Shocked and Appalled

Star Wars: The Old Republic launched about a month ago (motto: "What Would WoW Do?"). There is much that can be said about the game, like EA's general jackassery, the fact that it is simultaneously the fastest-selling MMO and failing to meet sales projections, whether or not a game of that scale is sustainable, how successfully Bioware integrated their "fourth pillar" of story, or myriads of other topics. Many others are talking about such things, and perhaps I will weigh in later. But for now, I wanted to focus on one particularly shocking and appalling aspect of the game.

The artists at Bioware decided, it seems, to give one of the six Star Wars movies particular attention. One scene from one of the six movies. One costume choice from one scene from one of the six movies (I think you see where this is going).

Slave Leia costume, seen modeled here by the Murloc's cosplay friend Christy Marie.

Apparently, Bioware thinks that this costume comprised fully three quarters of the Star Wars films, despite the fact that the costume only has a combined 150 seconds of screen time, "including facial closeups and shots of stunt doubles and visual effect images," according to Wookieepedia. Every planet in the game has at least one scuzzy dive populated by alien slave girls doing erotic dances while wearing this costume.

So shocked and appalled by this blatant objectification of women, er, aliens, er, females, that I decided to bring this shocking and appalling art choice of the game to your, and hopefully national, attention. And to properly convey the shockfulness and appallation of this singular-minded part of the game, I had to, for the greater good, record the shocking dancers doing their appalling stripteases, then go through, frame by frame, to find the most shocking and appalling segments, which I have saved to animated images, so you to can be made aware of how shocking and appalling this game is.

Shocking and appalling images after the jump.
(Maaaaaaybe NSFW, unless you work at a strip club.)

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Please Do Not Plant Bombs in the City

So the Murloc and I have been playing Star Wars: The Old Republic. For those of you not in the know, it's  the Star Wars version of WoW. I may talk about it in more depth later, but for now, there's a particular quest that caught my attention and I had to highlight it.

Here's the quest text:

"Dear New Yorkers. Al Qaeda has left several bombs in Times Square. We think we got them all, but if you happen across any, could you please pick them up and drop it off in one of the handy bomb-disposal bins we've left around the city?"

The mission requires that you locate four bombs stuck to walls, lamp posts, and other features of the city and take them to a bomb disposal unit, which deactivates them with the sound of a garbage compactor.

I swear, every time I picked up one of these, I heard Yakety Sax

 Once you've removed the bomb from its place, a one minute timer starts, after which it will explode, damaging you for about half health. The bomb disposal unit is centrally located, a quick jog away, but shares a 5-10 second cooldown with all other players in the game. That means that once one player has activate it, no other players can use it for about 5-10 seconds.

Some days, you just can't get rid of a bomb.

This must have been a fun quest to do immediately after launch, when a dozen other players are trying to get the quest done. I imagine a queue of players standing at the bomb disposal unit trying to get rid of them, and all waiting for it to refresh. Sort of like a game of hot potato with explosive consequences.

Dying of Laughter

Star Wars as an allegory of Vatican II.

Here's the part where I had tears in my eyes:

The heroes involved with saving the Church from the Culture of Death, i.e. rescuing Leia from the Death Star, was Paul VI, John Paul II, and the faithful Catholic laity … that is, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Luke Skywalker, and Han Solo. 

The way to destroy of the Culture of Death is, paradoxically, by means of more life … that is, by sex, impregnation … and so forth. At the battle of Yavin, the rebels intend to symbolically do just that … namely (hear me out on this one) … have sex with the Death Star. Oh, man, I’ve really lost it haven’t I? The rebel starfighters attempt to shoot proton torpedos (which vaguely look like sperm) into a small exhaust port (which, I’ll just say it, represents the vaginal opening). Furthermore, the rebel’s ships are called X-Wings and Y-Wings … which are, of course, represent X Chromosomes and Y Chromosomes (i.e. the sex-determining structures of DNA involved in reproduction). Moreover, imperial TIE Fighters, which represent contraception (i.e. TIEing one’s tubes … and later on TIE “Interceptors” which sound like “Contraceptors”), try to destroy them to prevent this symbolic act of impregnation.

While Luke is narrowing in on the target with his targeting computer, Obi-Wan mystically tells him to “let go” and just “use the force,” as the computer is destined to fail. In other words, Obi-Wan is encouraging a natural method for this act rather than an artificial one. Luke obeys him, and it works. This, of course, parallels how Paul VI advocated natural sex as opposed to artificial birth control, and John Paul II followed his predecessor in this. John Paul II thus helped to blow up of the Culture of Death with his … yes, that’s right …Theology of the Body (his pivotal work explaining to the modern mind the correct view one should have with regard to human sexuality).

(H/T Mike Flynn)

Nothingness, I Embrace You!

Best comment on YouTube: "This ideological propaganda for the bourgeois is disgraceful. Gene Roddenberry's collaboration with Camus had fundamental authenticity, subtle but evocative artistry, and phasers."

(H/T Mike Flynn who H/T's Mark Shea)

Cosplay Twenty-Ten

A look at some of The Creative Murloc's costumes from the last year.


So the Murloc's cosplay year began in April, with Ye Olde Renaissance Faire. Not being pregnant this year, she wore the same (rented) costume that she wore two years previous. Let's compare her pre-and post-pregnancy:

She certainly fills out the dress a bit more. Not that I'm complaining, mind.

The bodice must be tighter the second time around.

As usual, she got her hair done.

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Come to the Dark Side. We Have Cake.

Dark chocolate cake, no less.

Babby Vs. Death Star.

See, this is what happens when they allow just anyone to have a green screen. Or a video camera. Or a baby. You end up with things like this:

El. Oh. Freaking. El.

A Day in the Life.



Outside my window...is a pitched battle as my massive Imperial Fleet crushes the pitiful Rebellion once and for all.

I am thinking...this Skywalker kid has a lot of chutzpa walking in here and talking about my weaknesses.

I am thankful for...planet-destroying Super-lasers and the ability to shoot lightning out of my fingertips. That just never gets old. Fire at will, Commander!

From the kitchen...I can smell the fried Mon Calamari with a side of Bantha wafting up from the bottomless pit. Who's idea was it to put that thing there anyways, with minimal guard rails? I'm going to have to have a talk with the chief architect. The thing's an accident waiting to happen.

I am creating...aside from the Death Star itself, a feeling of hatred and anger in Young Skywalker. Soon his journey towards the Dark Side will be complete!

I am going...to crush this insignificant Rebellion like an insect! Then I'll turn Skywalker to the Dark Side, let him and his dad, Mr. Whiney-pants, duke it out and take the victor as my apprentice.

I am wearing...a dark black robe. Damn, I look badass in this thing. I mean, I normally look badass, but when I pull on the hood? REALLY badass.

I am reading...The Evil Overlord's list. Great advice for today's ubervillain.

I am hoping...we can finish up this whole battle before 4. I don't want to miss my tee time on the Endor greens. They give you a complementary Ewok with each club membership.

I am hearing...Vader taunt this Skywalker kid. Vader sure does have a sexy taunting voice. But can he cackle like yours truly? Hell, no.

Around the house...I think my Royal Guard are using the downtime to practice Rock Band for the All Death Star Rock Band competition. As if their puny band can defeat The Siths. I mean, Vader can five-star "Green Grass and High Tides" on expert, playing both Guitar and Bass at the same time. And when you throw in my awesome singing voice and epic drum skills, those guys don't stand a chance. Not like winning would do them any good anyways, because Vader would just freak out and Force-strangle them anyways.

One of my favorite things...aside from killing Ewoks, is to crush my enemies, see them driven before me, and hearing the lamentation of their women.

A few plans for the rest of the week...Well, once I finish the Death Star and crush the Rebellion, there won't be much left to do except fly around in this awesome thing terrorizing the galaxy. That and doing glitterstim lines off the belly of some hot Twi'lek chicks.

Here is a picture thought I am sharing for you...



It never gets old.

(With apologies to Mrs. Pickles. ;-p)

Infrequently Used Units of Measurement.

Millihelen: the amount of beauty required to launch one ship. Superceded in 1983 when ANSI introduced the 10-point "Hot or Not" units of measurement. The conversion from Millihelens to Hot-or-Not is given by the following equation:

Hotness=ln(Mh+h₁) + h₂

Where h₁ and h₂ are the hotness conversions constants,
h₁ ≈ 0.045402 and
h₂ ≈ 3.0922

Under the new standard, one Millihelen is approximately equal to 3.1366 on the Standard Hotness scale.

Kilobreadbox: Unit of volume approximately equivalent to 670 bushels. Used when attempting to deduce an unknown object by its size.

e.g. Is it bigger than a kilobreadbox?

Yea: unit of length. Initially conceived in 1910 as an alternative to the cubit, the yea increases in length by several centiyeas annually and is currently approximately 3.8 feet in length. Most commonly used by fisherman when estimating the size of a catch.

I caught a fish yea long.

Parsec:
1) Unit of distance. 1 Parsec is the distance a hypothetical object would have to be from the earth to create a parallax angle of one arcsecond. Approximately equal to 3.2616 ly.
e.g. Alpha Centauri has a parallax of .77233 arcseconds, meaning it is 1.295 parsecs from Earth.

2) Unit of scientific knowledge of a director/writer. Indicates how much of a grasp on scientific terminology a filmmaker has. Inverse grade in that higher positive numbers indicate less grasp, and lower, negative numbers indicate more understanding.
e.g. George Lucas knows about 12 parsecs worth of science.

3) Unit of fan rationalization. Indicates the willingness of a fan to explain away obvious scientific errors with complex after-the-fact explanations.
e.g. See, the Kessel Run isn't a set course or distance. You actually have to navigate a twisting path through a region of space filled with black holes. The closer you get to the black holes, the straighter your path, and the shorter the distance. So when Han Solo said that he made the Kessel Run in under 12 parsecs, he meant that he navigated a very short (comparatively) distance, indicating he was a very skilled pilot. See? It all makes perfect sense. Kevin J. Anderson explained it in the Jedi Academy Trilogy.

Star Wars, in a Nutshell.



"Don't talk back to Darth Vader, or he'll getcha"

A touching moment between father and son