Horoscopes
Brought to you by Fletcher-Jones Motorcars: 'The Stars see a new Mercedes Benz in your future'

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
True strength is found in standing firm, yet bending gently, so long as you aren't bending gently to get the soap in the prison's community shower.

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
Solitude is necessary to the human spirit, but your mother won't buy that as the reason you haven't dated in 10 years.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
A man's reputation is only as solid as his character. So be sure to take on that mission that will add +5 Dexterity and +3 Strength. That will really make your Everquest character solid.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
Each day you live is another chance to stretch your limits and expand your horizons, so be sure to take advantage of that before this coming Thursday.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
Only you can navigate the course your life will take. So why do you think that the random movement of stellar bodies trillions of miles away will have the slightest affect on your life?

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
Who you are is reflected in the world around you, which explains why trees suddenly double in width when you walk by, you fat slob.

Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
In each one of us there is a wanderer - a seeker and explorer of life. So keep that in mind next week when you "wander" into a bar "seeking" romance and end up "exploring" the inside of a dumpster.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
Tranquility can't be acquired, only experienced, but acquiring that LSD will certainly get you closer to the experience.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
Life has no borders or boundaries, or so your boss says every time they move you into a smaller cubicle.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
"Let the warm glow of the setting sun kiss life's hurts away" the psycho-hijacker will say as he aims the first inter-planetary passenger liner, on which you happen to be an unfortunate passenger, straight towards the sun

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
It's the journey that counts, but don't expect the dozen or so police cars chasing you down the crowded interstate to realize this and go easy on you.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
On the canvas of the imagination, worlds of incredible beauty are created. It's very sad just how many worlds are going to be destroyed this weekend when the aliens use there mind-control device to brainwash to entire planet into doing their evil bidding.

With very few apologies to American Greetings, Corp. and their day-to-day smarmy quote calendar

Anti-war Protestors Cause Beltway Gridlock
Courtesy CNN

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In the wake of another massive anti-war protest, massive gridlock occured on the Washington Beltway, Monday evening, when nearly one hundred cars with bumper stickers protesting the Iraq War took to the freeway.

The protest began around 5:00pm, when protestors spontaneously got on the freeway at various different points around the nation's capital. Within minutes, traffic slowed to a stand-still, obviously caused by the members of the protest. The slogans on the bumper stickers varied from "Stop the War" to "No Blood for Oil" to simply a 'W' with a slash through it. It is theorized that some of the driving protestors may or may not be related to soldiers who may or may not have been wounded in the war.

Protest organizers were not available for comment. Questions have arisen about the existence of the organizers.

Bumper Sticker Shows Bush Error of His Ways

WASHINGTON, D.C. - President George W. Bush announced today that he has reversed his stance about the war with Iraq because of a bumper sticker he saw.

"I was riding in my motorcade and this car passed me with a bumper sticker that said 'War is not the answer,'" the President said. "I just couldn't refute that profound argument. Thank you to that anonymous driver, who has shown me the error of my ways."

Bush went on to apologize to the people of Iraq for freeing them from Saddam Hussein.

The Restroom Rostrum
By John T. Crapper

Hello, fellow commode dwellers! In this issue of The Restroom Rostrum, we take a closer look at three restrooms from the fine city of Wichita Falls, Texas. I had the great pleasure of being able to visit this town during my recent trip to the 2004 Toilet Symposium.

On our way from the airport, we had stopped at a Burger King for a quick lunch, when I realized I needed to take a dump. Now, normally I cringe at the idea of having to use a fast food restaurant's bathroom. The quality of the upkeep is usually less than desirable. The phrase "hit and miss" refers both to the likelihood that they'll have soap and the previous users' accuracy. But I was desperate to drop my load and johns make better toilets then John's pants, as I like to say. I was pleasantly surprised to find this restroom in a state of good upkeep and cleanliness. The restroom was a one-user room, with no interior stall. The floor had obviously been recently mopped and was free from any stickiness. There was very little dirt or crud, as can frequently be found on even the cleanest tile floors. The dispenser had toilet paper-aplenty, so much so that even Marlon Brando could have wiped to his heart's content and left a still nearly full dispenser. The sink had both hot and cold water available from the same handle for easy temperature adjustment. Hot water flowed immediately, with no warm-up time, but this could be because some one had used the bathroom shortly before I did. The restroom was supplied with both a hand blow dryer and paper towels, so it's guarenteed to meet the preferences of everyone. I usually prefer a combo of the two, using a paper towl to catch the drips and get my hands mostly dry, then the warm refreshing dryer to finish them off. I was a bit disappointed upon closer inspection of the dryer. It was a '93 GE model, which are notorious for blowing to slowly and taking ages to warm up. This one was no different. All in all, the restroom was quite nice, and much more than I expected. Only the flickering flourescent light and the lack of a urinal detracted from one of the better fast food restaurant restrooms I've used. I give this one a 3-ply tissue (out of 4).

Work in progress

A moment of silence for the dearly departed

From a LucasArts press release.
LucasArts has decided to stop production on Sam & Max
"After careful evaluation of current market place realities and underlying economic considerations, we've decided that this was not the appropriate time to launch a graphic adventure on the PC" says Mike Nelson, Acting General Manager and VP of Finance and Operations. There is currently no plan to reduce staff.

I agree with these people.