I Need Naught but to Partake of Thine Magick Fire

Tidings to you, fair reeve of this place, from whence metal beasts take unto the skies, and within them convey those souls who seek to sojourn to strange lands and alien provinces. I greet you with the esteem and homage that is requisite one that surrender's his life to safeguarding those who, without thine help, would be hapless victims of the doom appointed them by evil men.

"What am I doing?" ask ye? Verily, I simply partake of the magick fire that flows forth from the aperture embedded upon this parapet, on which I rest mine weary back. Truthfully I tell thee that mine arithmetic counting machine, that zenith of new-fangled scientific learning, is nigh to the darkened death that befalls such contraptions, when sundered from a spring of magick fire for a dog's age.

"That is not allowed?" say ye? I must query the nature of such a law, for it is not born from God. I tell you, the worth of such magick fire as is consumed by mine machine of electronic wizardry is but a tuppence! It is of inconsequential cost to the denizens and taxpayers of this fair shire, in which I am forced to tarry until such time as the metal beast within which I shall be born yonder is prepared for the great odyssey of a thousand thousand paces to land of mine abode.

I only ask that I might but partake of thine magick fire for the time that I am forced to linger in this place. It seems an eternity has transpired, and were it not for mine machine of bewitchment with which I might be beguiled and enthralled, I would be compelled to madness by the tedium and stagnation.

But what of the lanterns that burn brightly in the rooftop through the bright of day and dark of night, providing those that dwell herein with guiding light, such that we do not stumble and falter as we would in the dark and disarray? Surely the worth of the magick fire put forth by said lamps is not inconsequential? Must I also surrender my ducats for the benefits bestowed by them? Then tell me, why prohibit me from partaking of the magick fire for other purposes?

Fie, I say! A pox on thee and thy kin! No more shall I travel to this shire, or allow mine earnings to profit those who would put forth a law not discernable through rationale, and not equitable by the laws of God or man.

Area Man Refuses to Worship Telephone Overlords

LONG BEACH, CA - According to sources close to him, Area Man Joe Belland refuses to bow down and worship our great Telephone Overlords, to whom all praise and attention is due.

According to an anonymous witness, who shall only be identified by the pseudonym Shmristine Shmacosta, "Joe has a serious problem about not devoting the proper attention to our great Telephone Overlords. After calling him approximately 483 times in a 10-minute interval, he stopped answering the phone! What's up with that? Does he not know that the Telephone Overlords are the most important appliances in our lives, and deserve our total and undivided attention? How could he possibly let a Telephone Overlord ring and not answer it immediately?"

Belland's wench, who will only be referred to by the pseudonym Shmanne Marie, also shared similar disgust, stating "I know he was simultaneously trying to cook dinner, watch TV, and cure cancer, but come on here! Priorities! The Telephone Overlords deserve nothing less than every moment of our waking lives! He should always answer it immediately, even when I call to tell him every time I pass a mileage marker, underpass, another car, or reflector in the road!"

Belland, who is obviously evil for allowing a Telephone Overlord to go un-answered, was quoted as saying "Come brethren, let us usher in a new era for the Answering Machine. Together, with this novel technology, we can throw off the yokes placed on us by the Evil Telephones and live in a time of peace, prosperity, and disconnection."

People From New Jersey "F-ing Slow"

OFFICE 1136 - According to the new loud, annoying Jerk in office 1136, people from New Jersey are "f-ing slow." Sources close to the Jerk, who was not identified by name, report that he conducted a phone interview with a person from New Jersey and concluded that he was "f-ing slow and should not try to hustle me because you're not quick."

In the official report released by the Jerk, he continued that, "we in Newport Beach drive fast cars and live in expensive houses because we're quick. You are f-ing slow, and as such, should not try to f-ing hustle me because it will not work."

This report follows closely on the heals of the Jerk's recent "I F-ing Fired You Because You Moved To San Diego" and "You Were Supposed To Set Up The F-ing Computers Here, But F-ing Outlook Doesn't Even Work; What Am I F-ing Paying You For?" reports. The Dow, which dropped 300 point after the previous two reports, climbed slightly to 10,630 on the report that people from New Jersey are "f-ing slow."

6 Files Suit Against 7
Cites 7's cannibalization of 9

Z⁺, R - The number 6 filed a class-action suit in set N superior court this morning, asking for $10 million in damages from the number 7 for "mental and emotional trauma resulting from when 7 ate 9."

The number 6's lawyer, Newton Standerwick of Standerwick and Schontz, issued the following statement: "for years, my client has been living in fear, affraid to participate in any equations or proofs, for fear that he may end up the next victim of the number 7, the brutal killer responsible for the death of our dear friend the number 9." The statement continues to say that 6 has spent many years and thousands of dollars on therapy, trying to overcome the grief and fear he has felt. "Only after he spent his life savings has my client been able to overcome his fears and take the right course of action; seeking damages against the nefarious number 7."

Other numbers have been quick to jump on the bandwagon. So far, 5, 10, 64, and 9's entire extended family {3*n, n ε Z⁺} have joined in the suit. Said the number 10, "9 was a very dear friend of mine. The only integer as close to me as he was is the number 11. I was so filled with sadness at his demise. I'm so proud that some number has finally had the courage to punish 7 for his wrongdoings."

7's lawyer, Wilton Shontz of Schontz and Standerwick, said at a press release, "my client was never found guilty of any alleged murder charges. This whole suit is a trumped up attempt to get even with 7. Everyone has known for years that both 6 and 9 were jealous of 7's standing as a prime number." When asked about the rumors that 7 killed 9, because he was jealous of 9's standing as a perfect square of a prime number, 7 burst out, saying "that [expletive] jerk! He had it coming! I should have [expletive] killed that [expletive] 6 along with 9!" After taking a moment to compose himself, 7 then said "Well, no number's perfect."

"Sesame Street," a program that has received a large sponsorship from the number 7, has stated that for the duration of the suit, they shall not accept any support, verbal, monetary, or otherwise, from the number 7. Said Children's Television Workshop spokeswoman Sanora Ruffini, "while we are not expressing any opinion or taking sides, we believe it is in our best interests to remain neutral until the matter can be resolved." The number 2 is expected to fill in for the number 7, although some are questioning whether 2 is over-extending himself, since he is also the base of the entire computer number system.

Cpl Adams Deploys to Iraq
Wonders if he left the iron on

Cpl Adams, Supreme Allied Commander for 3rd Squad, 3rd Platoon, Kilo Co 3/25, deployed to Iraq in March after months of urban and field training. A critical component in the war on terrorism, Cpl Adams is prepared for every possible scenario. Except he can’t remember if he left the iron on back in Florida.

Cpl Adams is part of a detachment tasked with seeking out possible insurgents in built up areas surrounding the northern city of Mosul, and he has made frequent contact with insurgents. Yesterday, Cpl Adams led a house to house search which resulted in sporadic gunfire leaving one insurgent dead and five taken into custody. “It’s all part of trying to gain intelligence in these regions” Adams told us. “That way we try to reduce the number of attacks on the locals and possibly gain that one critical piece of intelligence that might let us know if I let my iron on or not.”

Many Marines like Adams have been unable to contact family back home to let them know how they are doing. Adams himself has only once spoken with his wife since February. “She sounded good. She told me her family was doing well. But when I tried to ask her about the iron, the connection started getting all messed up. Sounded like ‘ooo …on’t …oose… rons ..om.’ I wish I knew because it makes it really hard to concentrate since I can’t think of anything else.”

Adams admits that in a fire-fight earlier that day he hesitated to give a command. Taking heavy fire from a bombed out school house to their right, Adams tried to take his squad around the block to a more advantageous position. Before crossing an open street, Adams hesitated to give an order to throw smoke grenades to obscure and confuse the enemy. “I couldn’t remember if my iron was on or off. It was driving me nuts.” That moment of hesitation cost Lcpl Moore dearly as he was shot in buttocks during the pause in the command. “I don’t blame Adams. We are all concerned about his iron. Besides Doc’ll have me patched up in no time and I’ll get back into the fight.”

I'd feel better discussing this with a Drill Instructor, but since Senator Kerry seems to find time lying heavily on his hands . . .

Dear Senator Kerry,

I am confused about Christian formation.

It states in the Kolbe Academy Policy Handbook that, in light of truths enumerated by the Pope in Familiaris Consortio, and in accordance with methodology developed by Saint Ignatius of Loyola, " . . . education is about formation, not information: formation of the child's will and assistance with the discernment of vocation." The handbook goes on to say, "Any educational effort that fails to form the will fails the student."

I recently received a letter from Trinity School which announced, "The development of character and Christian piety is not part of the mission of Trinity Schools."

So, what's up with that?


Please hurry,
Confused Mom

+++++++++++++
Respect Life



Dear Recruit,

Are we writing a letter during class? Holy fornicating monkey poop! Have you lost your friggin mind?! Do you need my help finding it!? Who on this Dog Gamn rat poop heap you call your home planet are you writing to? We are writing a letter to our senator? Senior Drill Instructor is going to love your caboose. Excuse me sir, I have a recruit here who wants to write his senator. Would you like me to read it out loud to our company commander? Very well.

“I'd feel better discussing this with a Drill Instructor” Oh don’t worry about that yoo-hoos. GO AHEAD AND LOSE YOUR BEARING IN FRONT OF ME TOO! You’re about as jacked up as a football bat, you nasty thing.

Come here college. You think you can write letters in class because you’re smarter than every other recruit. You went to college, didn’t you? “I”!?! “I”!?! How about ‘this recruit’. Or did they not teach that in college? Did they teach phys-ed in your college? Talk to me like you're my girlfriend too, nasty. Shut your suck. Start pushin. You will push until I am tired. Begin.

Where was I, Senior? Oh yes. “I am confused about Christian formation.” Recruit, do you believe in the Blessed Virgin Mary? You’d better get up and tell the platoon that you Dog Gamn do love the Blessed Virgin Mary! Get back on your face.

“In light of truths emniated by the Pope in Family Concert, and in accordion with methogdy developed by Saint Igneous of …” Some kind of nastiness. Recruit, are you some kind of butt crack nasty rocket surgeon? OH I KNOW YOU DID NOT JUST TALK TO ME ON YOUR FACE!!!

Get up! Shut your suck. You have 5 seconds to get to the other side of the room. Go, 5, 4, 1. Get back! 5, 1. No, get back! 5, 2, 3, 1. Get Back. Oh we want to get tired. Very well, we can play games instead. Mountain climbers, begin.

“Blah blah blah, I am huge monkey fornicating myself with a football who recently received a letter from Trinity School which announced, ‘The development of character and Christian pies is not part of the mission of Trinity Schools.’ So, what's up with that?”… “So what’s up with that?” Senior did you hear that? We must be back on the block with our boys. Apparently we haven’t learned a single thing from our Senior Drill Instructor all the time we’ve been here. We must be back on training day one. You must be trying to embarrass him in front of the company commander. Because of your nastiness I have to purge the entire platoon before you start to spread like a fungus. From now on you are all back on training day one. Platoon, say 'thank you'.

Allow me to answer your question in words that most of us understand: YOUR FIRST MISSION IS TO DO WHATEVER I TELL YOU! After that you next mission is to unfornicate yourself.

"Respect Life"? You're a killer! You will not respect life, you will rip the heart of your enemy with your bare teeth and you will like it. Do you like to kill? You'd better give me a war cry or you will be doing mountain climbers on every drill deck I can find in North America.

Get up. I swear to God, thing, every time I look at you I hear circus music. What foreign government sent you here to pollute my Marine Corps?

“This recruit don’t know, sir.” Wow, you’re as sharp as a fartsack full of doorknobs. See that rock over there. Pick it up. Put it in you left breast pocket because that is now your new ID card, bright one. Now get out of my sight before I claw my eyes out to relieve the pain.

Obituary: Anne Marie Belland
Wife of F.U. News Founder Lost to "World of WarCraft"

Anne Marie Belland, area wench and wife of F.U. News Founder Joe Belland, has been lost to World of WarCraft, a virus created by Irvine based software company Blizzard Entertainment. She is among 300,000 people who have been diagnosed with or lost to the disease in the last two weeks.

"I know I'll really miss her, but in my heart I know she's gone on to a better place," said Joe Belland. "Now her spirit can roam freely amongst the Elven forests of Teldrassil or the Dwarven mountains of Loch Modan. I only hope that one day soon, I too will be able to join her."

According to Loretta Kuntz at the Center for Disease Prevention and Control, WoW, as it is being called, is the fastest-spreading MMO epidemic as yet, with 240,000 becoming infected on opening day, and as many as 7,000 at its originating point, a Fry's Electronics in Fountain Valley, CA. "We knew that WoW was coming and that we had to prepare for it, but we had no idea that it would be such a huge epidemic," said Kuntz. "It has caught us completely off guard, and as such, many of our treatment centers are too over-crowded to deal with all the reported cases."

Also overburdened by the influx of cases is Widows of WoW, a support group for those who have lost their loved ones to WoW. Said Judy Caruso of WOWoW, "In the last week alone, we've received 56,000 calls from people whose husbands or boyfriends or sons have become swallowed up by this hideous disease. 90% of the victims of the disease are male. Joe is one of the few men who have lost their female counterparts to WoW."

"The most important thing for Belland is not to become a victim himself," continued Caruso. "Many widows and widowers are tempted to expose themselves to the disease, hoping that they'll be able to meet their loved ones again. In most cases this just leads to further spread of the infection. He needs to keep himself occupied with things like work and family."

"Besides," continued Caruso, "if he does become infected, he may lose his job, and the $15 per month subscription isn't going to pay itself."

F.U. News Co-Founder Missing
Whereabouts of Tom Adams Unknown; Assets Siezed, Re-distributed to Remaining Owners

Area dirt-bag and F.U. News co-founder Tom Adams was reported missing earlier. Despite repeated attempts to contact him at his Google e-mail address, his whereabouts remain unknown. Upon his disappearance, his stock profits from F.U. News have been divided between the two remaining F.U. News Co-founders.

"I heard something about him moving to Florida," said Joe Belland, F.U. News Founder and recipient of half of Adams' wealth, estimated at several Quiggly-Jiggly-illion dollars. "But that was right before the hurricanes hit. He probably got sucked up in to one of them. What do I care?" The interview ended abruptly, as Belland drove off in his Lamborghini Murcielago.

"Oh, yeah, Tom," said David Belland, F.U. News' other co-founder, who was interviewed by video-phone from his private space ship. "Yeah, I heard he shot his commanding officer and was thrown out of the Marines. He's probably in jail, or something. Could you hold on? We're about to orbit the far side of the moon and will be out of contact for several minutes."

While attempting to contact J. Belland for a follow-up interview, it was learned that he had been hospitalized for a concussion and a neck injury. "You know how in 'Duck Tales' Scrooge McDuck would always dive into his vault of gold and swim around in it? Well, it turns out that real gold is a lot harder than that."

What I deserve for Christmas: How you should spend your money on me

First let’s define some terminology.

\Some\ (s[u^]m), a. [OE. som, sum. See Same, a., and cf. -some.] 1. Consisting of a greater or less portion or sum; composed of a quantity or number which is not stated; -- used to express an indefinite quantity or number; as, some wine; some water; some persons. Used also pronominally; as, I have some.

\Ter`mi*nol"o*gy\, n. [L. terminus meaning place of boarding in an Airport term + -logy: cf. F. terminologie.] 1. The doctrine of terms; a theory of terms or appellations; a treatise on terms.

Okay, now lets define deserve according to Webster.

\De*serve"\ (d[-e]*z[~e]rv"), v. t. [imp. & p. p. Deserved; p. pr. & vb. n. Deserving.] [OF. deservir, desservir, to merit, L. deservire to serve zealously, be devoted to; de- + servire to serve. See Serve.] 1. To earn Star Wars Widescreen DVD Box Set by service; to be worthy of (something due, either good or evil); to merit a Star Wars Widescreen DVD Box Set; to be entitled to a Star Wars Widescreen DVD Box Set; as, the laborer deserves his Star Wars Widescreen DVD Box Set; a work of value deserves a Star Wars Widescreen DVD Box Set.

Now that we understand each other, I deserve a box set copy of Star Wars Widescreen Super Duper Edition DVD with such awesome features as

• Never before seen "Luke snoring" and "Darth Vader twiddling his thumbs" scenes
  
• "My obsession makes more sense than your obsession - A look at how stupid Star Trek is in comparison" Documentary
  
• “Learn to Act” Special feature starring Mark Hamill
  
• “Make your own stupid special effect regardless of what it does to the plot line” interactive PC feature
  
• "My DVD Box Set can beat up your stupid DVD Box Set" feature with boxing gloves and boxing ring for your Box Set
  
• And exclusive sneak peak at Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith floor tiling

The Box Set if you buy it for me now, like you know you should, because I deserve it, comes with two (2) free Star Wars drink coasters. You cooooould use them for any drink, but I think that is sacriledge. You should only use the official Star Wars power drink “Wookie-Ade” on your official Star Wars drink coasters. You can’t get these drink coasters anywhere else and it is only for a limited time, so you have to hurry up and buy me this Box Set NOW!

But don’t take my word about the obvious coolness of the Box Set, when you could take the word of Bib Fortuna, Jabba’s right hand man. “Izioto? Zi katzi umootsi. Lay jada zogootsi. Lok cha!”

Don’t let naysayers tell you otherwise. Most of them haven’t found true happiness in life and only want to spread their misery. Besides, my wife has only been in the family for like 2 years where I have been in for like 21 or something. A Star Wars Widescreen DVD Box Set is an irreplaceable part of every boys happiness. Whereas Ileana can be replaced.

So if you take anything away from the true meaning of Christmas, it should be the pride and joy of knowing you bought me Star Wars Widescreen DVD Box Set. No seriously. Joking aside. Buy me a Star Wars Widescreen DVD Box Set. If you are still reading this, then you are not buying it for me now. Why? Get off your bottom and go buy it. For me…. NOW!

Ask John Kerry

Dear John,

This has really been bugging me. Yesterday on the radio Dave Ramsey said that as soon as you have a baby you should start saving $166 a month for College, which works out to about $2,000 a year. I figure that after 18 years I would save about $36,000 plus some interest. Experience has shown me that the net effect of this strategy would be to raise the cost of college for my kid by about $36,000. So, what's the point?

Middle Class Parent


Dear Middle Class Parent from the great state of Idaho,

Before I answer your question I want you to know how grateful I am that you are asking me your question, and I know that you have been hit hard job layoffs like your sister states Michigan and Illinois. You should know that the country and I have you in our thoughts.

About your question, I have a plan. It’s like the old saying “You can’t have your cake and save money for college too.” President Bush has had four years to close the tuition gap, but what has his administration done in that time? They have outsourced our student positions to Big Foreign Student Exchange.

When I was in Vietnam, we had to save money too if we wanted to return to college for a masters degree. I actually was against college before attending Yale. The way I see it, the American public has two choices this election, marry into wealth to provide for college expenses or …. (wait for laughter)… (no laughter. wait for nervous chuckles to subside)… Or follow the plan I’ve laid out on my web site. In my plan we will roll back irresponsible tax cuts to the upper income earners in this country making more than two-thousand dollars.

Every child in America has a right to quality higher-education, and I have a plan that will do just that. I also have a plan to create education liability laws to protect our children’s education. I have had one consistent position on your child’s college money since I was in Vietnam, and that is that you have managed your child’s college funding poorly and that my wife can provide for your child’s college better.