F.U. News Co-Founder Missing
Whereabouts of Tom Adams Unknown; Assets Siezed, Re-distributed to Remaining Owners

Area dirt-bag and F.U. News co-founder Tom Adams was reported missing earlier. Despite repeated attempts to contact him at his Google e-mail address, his whereabouts remain unknown. Upon his disappearance, his stock profits from F.U. News have been divided between the two remaining F.U. News Co-founders.

"I heard something about him moving to Florida," said Joe Belland, F.U. News Founder and recipient of half of Adams' wealth, estimated at several Quiggly-Jiggly-illion dollars. "But that was right before the hurricanes hit. He probably got sucked up in to one of them. What do I care?" The interview ended abruptly, as Belland drove off in his Lamborghini Murcielago.

"Oh, yeah, Tom," said David Belland, F.U. News' other co-founder, who was interviewed by video-phone from his private space ship. "Yeah, I heard he shot his commanding officer and was thrown out of the Marines. He's probably in jail, or something. Could you hold on? We're about to orbit the far side of the moon and will be out of contact for several minutes."

While attempting to contact J. Belland for a follow-up interview, it was learned that he had been hospitalized for a concussion and a neck injury. "You know how in 'Duck Tales' Scrooge McDuck would always dive into his vault of gold and swim around in it? Well, it turns out that real gold is a lot harder than that."