Which File Extension are You?

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Which File Extension are You?

Horoscopes
Brought to you by a bunch of dead guys. The stars foresee that you'll be joining them shortly, so best to become familiar with them.

Aries: (March 21-April 19)
Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us." But that won't fly with the cops when they ask why you're holding a gun and there are dead bodies in front and behind you.

Taurus: (April. 20-May 20)
Robert Louis Stevenson once said, "Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds you plant." What he means is "It's not how many bodies lie on the ground, but the type of ammo and gun you use."

Gemini: (May 21-June 21)
Impossible is a word to be found only in the dictionary of fools. And those fools said it was impossible to eat a 160 oz. steak in an hour without exploding. It turns out the fools were right.

Cancer: (June 22-July 22)
Churchill once said, "If you're going through hell, keep going." He woulda been great at Doom.

Leo: (July 23-Aug. 22)
According to Dr. Wayne W. Dyer, "The state of your life is nothing more than a reflection of your state of mind." So obviously your life is in denial.

Virgo: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Mark Twain said "Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great ones make you feel that you too, can become great," but even he would belittle your ambitions for world domination. That just goes to show that he's a small person. Squish him between your fingers.

Libra: (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)
"A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle," according to Erin Majors. But you, the holder of the candle, will lose 70% of your skin and all the hair on your body this Thursday when you fail to detect the natural gas leak.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
Bern Williams claims that "The day the Lord created hope was probably the same day he created Spring," but your boss still won't let you take March 21st off as "Hope Day".

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
"How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live," says Henry David Thoreau. He obviously didn't care much for paraplegic leg amputees.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
From Robert Vallett you know that "The human heart feels things the eyes cannot see, and knows what the mind cannot understand," but the doctor's will still turn you down when you ask for three heart transplants to be grafted on to your eyes and brain so you can know for sure whether the voices in your head are coming from unknowable, invisible aliens that follow you everywhere.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Deepak Chopra tells us that "In the Midst of movement and chaos, keep stillness inside of you," but to fully realize this, you'll need a sizable electric shock to stop your heart.

Pisces: (Feb. 19-March 20)
"When you reach for the stars, you may not quite get them, but you won't come up with a handful of mud either," said Leo Burnett. He obviously didn't share your unique problem of not knowing which way is up.

My Greatest Parking Job Ever
by Dave

Ask John Kerry

Dear John Kerry,
I've been seeing someone for about a week now, but my parent's don't think its a good idea. I met him in a Barnes & Nobles and he's fifteen years older than me but we share the same interests. My friends tell me that love knows no bounds and I want this to work. How can I convince my parents that I'm old enough to make this kind of decision myself.

In love with an older man, FL


Dear In love with an older man from the great state of Florida,

Before I answer you question I want you to know how grateful I am that you are asking me your question, and I know that you have been hit hard by these hurricanes. You should know that the country and I have you in our thoughts.

About your question, I think you hit the screw right on the head. When I was in Vietnam, I had the leadership skills to choose who to have relationships with. It doesn't matter if they are older or younger, black or white. What's important is that we are all Americans. Back where I come from we have a saying, home is where you like to be. If you are most at home with this older gentleman, then that's where your h-- that's where you like to be.

You need to convince your parents to get on board with this relationship so that you don't have to go it alone. Have quad-lateral talks between your parents and your boyfriend. This is the wrong relationship at the wrong time and in the wrong place, you have to stick through it because it's important that you make this relationship work. Try getting more parents on board to help shoulder the burden of this relationship.

I have had one position on this relationship since I was in Vietnam and that is that you have planned this relationship poorly and that I can handle this relationship better.

My Greatest Parking Job Ever
by Tom Adams

My Greatest Parking Job Ever.



Front:



Back:


I was within 6 inches of the curb and only had to back and fill 6 or 7 times.

Anti-virus Software Now Classified as Virus According to New Standard.
McAfee, Norton Subject to Criminal Prosecution.

According to a new definition of computer viruses released by the FCC, many anti-virus software applications are now considered computer viruses themselves and the companies responsible for developing them are liable to criminal prosecution.

The new standard defines a computer virus as "any software application which installs itself without the computer user's permission, or makes it difficult for the user to remove, short of extreme measures such as re-formatting (excluding operating systems), and also severly limits the functionality of the computer or other software applications already running on the computer." According to FCC officials, many commercial products, such as AOL and AIM, now qualify as viruses. But most ironically is the inclusion of McAfee VirusScan and Norton Anti-Virus on the list of viruses.

"What qualifies McAfee VirusScan as a virus is the manner in which it makes it next to impossible for the user to shut it off once it has been loaded onto a computer and also how it prevents most other applications from working properly once it has been installed," said Dr. Dean Villalpando of the FCC's computer virus investigation unit. "For instance with most programs, to exit, all you need to do is click the 'X' button, or the menu option. With VirusScan, the user must not only click the 'Disable' menu option and also close the software, but he must then press Ctrl+Alt+Del to open the task manager and shut down all processes associated with VirusScan to completely close it."

McAfee does also violate the installation without user's permission clause of the virus definition, according to Dr. Villalpando. "No matter how many times the user deletes or moves the Start Menu Program Group icons, whenever the user installs an update to the software, the icons are replaced. It's very difficult to equate 'Update my virus definitions' with 'Install icons in my Start Menu.'"

As for damaged or destroyed functionality of the computer or other applications, "the list goes on and on" says Dr. Villalpando. "From the way that the auto-update feature prevents the Windows Scheduled Tasks from running to the way the out-bound e-mail scanning prevents large e-mail attachments from being sent with Microsoft Outlook, to the way the inbound e-mail scanning prevents Outlook, Lotus, and other e-mail client programs from downloading e-mail, a computer running McAfee VirusScan has only about three quarters the functionality of any other computer."

Maurice Topete, a spokesman for McAfee said that the next version of VirusScan would add virus definition patterns for all the software that meets the new computer virus definition. "In McAfee VirusScan version 10, it will basically just scan for itself and delete itself. We expect users to notice no difference in functionality."

Ask the Annoying Jerk down the hall who yells into his phone all day.

Dear Annoying Jerk,
I am a receptionist in a law firm. There are times when I am very busy, but there are long stretches when there is nothing to do. Is it proper for me to read during the downtime? I feel awkward when my boss sees me reading. -- BORED ON THE JOB

Dear Blow Job
No, I missed your call. Yeah, I was out of the office last week. I had surgery. On my intestines. Yeah, it was pretty awful. I still feel bloated from it. Yeah, they stick this hose in you and pump your body full of air. Yeah, I felt like sh-- all week last week. No I still feel pretty f---ing bloated. Yeah, so I didn't get any of the messages you left.

He what? What's that SOB trying to do? J---- H. C-----, what's wrong with him? Hey Richard, check this out. I'm gonna conference you in on this. Hi, you still there? Yeah, I've got Richard on the line. Tell him what you just told me. Can you believe that? Can you f---ing believe that. That guy is such a sh--head. Yeah, we'll have to call him and have a nice long discussion with him. That guy is such a b------.
-----
Dear Annoying Jerk,
Is it just me, or has the world gone "tip crazy"? I find tip baskets on the counter at the local coffee house, the yogurt shop, the juice shop -- even near the cash register in the cafeteria in my office building. It seems that even though these people are paid to perform these particular services, they think they should be tipped on top of it. Where will it end? Should I expect tip canisters at the doctor's office, my car mechanic's or the post office? I can't afford to tip everyone I come in contact with. What is proper tip protocol now? -- ALL TIPPED OUT

Dear Trippy
Hello? Could you repeat that? I missed what you said. The people down the hall are slamming their doors. F---ing rude of them, if you ask me.

No, I don't drink milk. I think it's just wrong. It's really weird, drinking the milk of another animal. You know we're the only species that does that? Yeah, I just can't. It makes me sick just thinking about it. It's totally sick and wrong.
-----
Dear Annoying Jerk,
Like most people, I have a pet peeve. Mine is when people make fun of my name. I think it's really rude when somebody makes fun of anyone's name, no matter how weird it is. My name isn't particularly odd, but people still make fun of it! Sometimes I can't help but lash out at them when they do. Usually they get on my case for being rude, but I think they had it coming by insulting me. What do you think? -- Doug Mye

Dear Dumb Guy,
Hello? Hey, Doug. That's your real name? Doug? So, Doug, do you dig a lot? Do you wanna be a post hole digger? Is that your preferred profession?

So how was your labor day? Good, good. No, mine was rotten. It really sucked a--. It was the worst labor day in my life. Well, everything was wrong. Just everything was s---. Oh the traffic was only the beginning of it. Yeah, it was just f---ing awful.

What are you doing this weekend? Sounds like fun. Yeah, my friend an I are going down to a bar this weekend. Yeah, we're going to try and pick up some tail. Yeah, we'll see how that goes. Gonna ride the a-- coaster.
-----
Dear Annoying Jerk,
I seem to have the worst luck with office neighbors. Before, the office next to mine was inhabited by college-girl telemarketers and when they weren't giving their bogus sales pitch, they were talking about their sex lives. I couldn't stand them.

Well, they finally moved out, but now this annoying jerk named Jeff has moved in. He does nothing but swear on the phone all day. He'll turn on the speakerphone and yell into it, while I'm trying to work. It's really annoying. I'd close my office door (although I can still hear him; he's just not as loud), but I have other people continually coming in and out of my office all day. I think if he's going to be so rude and unprofessional as to curse and swear on the phone all day, he should at least close his door.

He also goes out for a smoke break seemingly every half hour and comes back wreaking of cigarette smoke. He tries to cover it up by emptying half a bottle of cheap cologne on himself, but that makes the stench worse. After he walks down the hallway, I try not leave my office for 10 minutes while the smell clears out. Once I was walking down the hallway and he came in the opposite direction and I nearly fell to my knees and gagged. I feel really sorry for the other people who work in the same office as him. Maybe there is a they leave the office door open!

So my question is, is it possible to kill someone by poisoning a cigarette? This is just a hypothetical question for a murder story I'm writing. -- Fed up with Jerks

Dear Joe,
Holy sh--! Did you feel that? You couldn't feel that? How could you not have? The whole building was swaying. We had an earthquake. That must have been f---ing huge. See, you can see the blinds swaying. That had to have been an 8 or 9. Man, I'm gonna get out of here before this whole f---ing building comes down like the Twin Towers.

Hey. I'm back. Yeah, I had a quick smoke, how could you tell? You mean my cheap, vile-smelling cologne didn't cover up the cigarette smoke? No? It should have, considering I dumped half the f---ing bottle on me.

Yeah, they said on the news it was like a magnitude 3 point something. Yeah, not as powerful as it felt. Only about a third the power that it felt like. Yeah, well they probably don't know sh-- on the news.

Election Coverage 2004
The debate so far

George Soros: Bush sucks!
Gephardt, Dean, Lieberman, Edwards, Sharpton, Kerry: I agree.
Bush: Kwicherbellyachin.
Kerry: Vote for me I served in Vietnam and all the vets love me!
John O'Neal: I served with John Kerry and he sucks.
Kerry: How dare you bring Vietnam into this! Stick to the issues. Bush! Make him stop.
Bush: While I think all 527s should stop, I can't do anything about it because to do so would violate McCain-Feingold.
Kerry: There's a cop-out if ever I heard one, bringing up some 'law'.
Dozens of other groups: Kerry sucks!
Kerry: This is just another thinly-veiled attempt by Bush to divert attention from his dismal record and the issues that really matter, like my Vietnam record.
Swift Boat Vets: But your Vietnam record sucks!
Kerry: There you go again! Trying to divert attention from the issues by bringing up Vietnam.

1997 John Kerry: The US can't count on France or Russia. We should pre-emptively invade Iraq without their support!
2002 Bush: Let's go to war with Iraq. It won't be easy.
2002 Kerry: OK!
2003 Bush: We need money for the troops.
Kerry: Ok. No.
2004 Kerry: Hey! This is hard! Why didn't you tell us?
Bush: I did.
Kerry: Well, why didn't you get France and Russia?
Bush: The invitation for them to join in was open.
Kerry: Well, we needed their help. This war is meaningless without international support.
Bush: What about Britain, Spain, Poland, Italy, Australia, Honduras, etc.
Kerry: They don't count because they aren't France, Germany, and Russia.
Bush: But you said we don't need them.
Kerry: No I didn't. They're our long-standing traditional allies, despite the fact that we've been at war with two of those three multiple times in the last century.
Bush: Whatever.
Kerry: Vote for me! I can bring legitimate nations to the table!
Bush: And I can't?
Kerry: Of course not. You've insulted them and they'll never trust you. You can only put together a coalition of the coerced.
Bush: Didn't you just insult several nations?
Kerry: Of course not.
Allawi: Iraq is making steady progress towards the elections in January.
Bush: They sure are.
Kerry: No they aren't. Iraq is a quagmire created by Bush and Allawi is a US stooge.
Allawi: *low growl*
Bush: Speaking of insulting world leaders....