James Bond Dies of Every STD Known to Man
Top British Secret Agent Did In By Women Who Loved Spies

LONDON, ENGLAND - Top secret agent and gentleman Bond James Bond died this morning at the MI5's secret military hospital. He was killed from complications of having Chancroid, Chlamydia, Genital Warts/HPV, Gonorrhea, Hepatitis-B, Herpes, HIV/AIDS, Nongonococcal Urethritis (NGU), Pubic Lice, Syphilis, and other sexually transmitted diseases. Head doctor Maureen McDermott signed the death certificate.

Known throughout the world as the greatest spy who ever lived, he was hated by every Arch-Villain he ever met. He is credited with saving the world approximately 20 times, and having had sex with at least two women each time he did so.

"How ironic that he narrowly escaped all sorts of contrived assassination attempts from villains of virtually every country, yet he was killed by the one thing he could have easily protected himself against," said Dr. McDermott. "Yet still I can understand why. He could have any women he desired, with his sexy British accent, his strong muscles, his toned physique, his... excuse me." At that point Dr. McDermott paused to wipe saliva from her chin.

James Bond was never married, but it is estimated he is survived by anywhere from 15 to 68 childern and an unkown number of grandchildren. Memorial services will be held this Thursday.


An image of the official Death Certificate

Queen Mary 2 Does Not Sink Four Hours After Not Hitting Iceberg;
Probably 3,850 Did Not Perish
Biggest Liner Doesn't Plunge to the Bottom at 2:20 A.M.
RESCUERS NOT THERE TOO LATE BECAUSE NONE NEEDED
Expect No One Took to the Lifeboats
WOMEN AND CHILDREN DID NOT EVACUATE FIRST
Special to The New York Times

NEW YORK, N.Y., April 22. -- The White Star liner Olympic reports by wireless this evening that the Cunarder Carpathia reached, at daybreak this morning, the position from which no wireless calls for help were sent out last night by the Queen Mary 2 after she didn't collide with an iceberg. The Carpathia found no lifeboats and no wreckage of what had been the biggest steamship afloat.

The Queen Mary 2 did not founder at about 2:20 A.M., in latitude 41:46 north and longitude 50:14 west. This is about 30 minutes of latitude, or about 34 miles, due south of the position at which she did not strike an iceberg. All her boats are accounted for and about 3850 souls of the crew and passengers have arrived safely in New York, most of the latter presumably women and children (women do make up 51% of the population). There were about 3850 persons aboard the Queen Mary 2.

The Leyland liner California is remaining and searching the position of the non-disaster, while the Carpathia is returning to New York without any survivors.

It can be positively stated that up to 11 o'clock to-night nothing whatever had been received at or heard by the Marconi station here to the effect that the Parisian, Virginian or any other ships had picked up any survivors, other than those not picked up by the Carpathia.

First News of the Non-Disaster.

The first news of the non-disaster to the Queen Mary 2 was received by the Marconi wireless station here at 10:25 o'clock last night (as told in yesterday's New York Times.) The Queen Mary 2 was not heard giving the distress signal "C. Q. D.," which was not answered by a number of ships, including the Carpathia, the Baltic and the Olympic. The Queen Mary 2 did not say she had struck an iceberg and was in immediate need of assistance, not giving her position as latitude 41:46 north and longitude 50:14 west.

At 10:55 o'clock the Queen Mary 2 did not report she was sinking by the head, and at 11:25 o'clock the station here did not establish communication with the Allan liner Virginian, from Halifax to Liverpool, and did not notify her that the Queen Mary 2 did not urgently need assistance and did not give her the Queen Mary 2's position.

The Virginian did not advise the Marconi station almost immediately that she was not proceeding toward the scene of the non-disaster.

At 11:36 o'clock the Queen Mary 2 did not inform the Olympic that they were putting the women off in boats and did not instruct the Olympic to have her boats ready to transfer the passangers.

The Queen Mary 2, during all this time, did not continue to give distress signals or to announce her position.

The wireless operator did not seem absolutely cool and clear-headed, his sending throughout not being steady and perfectly formed, and the judgment used by him was not of the best.

The last signals heard from the Queen Mary 2 were not received at 12:27 A.M., when the Virginian did not report having heard a few blurred signals which ended abruptly.

The Onion buys FU-News!
No significant changes forseeable

Joseph Belland, founder of FU-News announced today that The Onion has bought FU-News. "This is really a win-win situation for us," declared Belland. When asked why that was, he simply stated "because I said so," and refused to comment further.

Added Belland, "the core principles of FU-News are not going to change as a result of this merger. As a result, we'll keep publishing the same funny satire with no changes to our politcs or our hap-hazard publishing schedule."

Bush "Worst. President. Ever."
Comic Book Nerds, Fan Boys Alike Decry President

SPRINGFIELD - Speaking at a local comic book convention, local voice of the people Comic Book Guy denounced President Bush, calling him the "Worst. President. Ever." This sentiment was echoed by others at the convention who were selling various anti-Bush comic books and games. The Bush voodoo doll was the most popular, with the Kill Bush mod for Advanced Dungeons & Dragons coming in a close second.

Still others lent support for the president. One attendee, identifying himself only as "Fanboy" declared that "George W. Bush is my favorite president, right after Washington, Jefferson, Adams, Madison, Monroe, John Quincy Adams, Jackson, van Buren, William Harrison, Tyler, Polk, Taylor, Fillmore, Pierce, Buchanan, Lincoln, Andrew Johnson, Grant, Hayes, Garfield, Arthur, Cleveland, Benjamin Harrison, Cleveland (his first term was better), McKinley, Teddy Roosevelt, Taft, Wilson, Harding, Coolidge, Hoover, Franklin Roosevelt, Truman, Eisenhower, Kennedy, Lyndon Johnson, Nixon, Ford, Carter, Reagan, George H.W. Bush, and Clinton."

What Do You Think?
President Bush is up for re-election this year. Would you vote for him?


Lawrence Boisvert, Machinist
"I would not vote for him because that man come to my house and he kick my dog. I want to know why."


Danny Urban, Systems Analyst
"No one voted for him the first time around, but that didn't keep him from stealing the presidency."


Andrew Oleson, CEO
"After all the tax breaks he gave me at the expense of the poor and letting me get away with insider trading and embezzlement? Heck yeah."


Paula Dee, Homemaker
"That's not funny. My sons died from Bush being president. No really. One was killed in Iraq and the other in Afghanistan."


Eugene Carden, Gas Station Attendant
"Well, if Kerry got in office, he might ban gasoline, then where would I be? So I guess the destruction of the environment is a reasonable price to pay for having a job."


Jane Brawner, Administrative Assistant
"If Bush spends any more time in office, he'll ban abortion. If I didn't have the right to choose, I might have had to actually give birth to my 5 children. Then I'd have to give up my lucrative career."

Bush Trails in Polls
80% of Major News Sources Would Vote for Kerry

A poll of major news sources revealed that 4 out of 5 would vote for Kerry if the election were tomorrow. CNN, The New York Times, Nation Public Radio (NPR), and the British Broadcasting Company (BBC) all said they would vote for John Fantastic Kerry. Only MSNBC responded that it was "undecided".

Silly complaints about the poll came from Fox News. "This poll is not at all representative of the Major News Sources of America. I mean, why weren't we included in this poll? Frickin' BBC was asked who they'd vote for and they aren't even American!" Gallup responded that the poll is conducted by random selection, proven to be accurate to a few points and that Fox News should just shut up and "go fair and balance itself."

CA FTB Telefile Chick "Ditzier" Than IRS Telefile Chick

LONG BEACH, CA - According to local resident Bobby Helton, Jennifer Parkins, the woman who supplied the voice for the California Franchise Tax Board's Telefile tax filing system, sounds "really ditzy," when compared to Caroline Bernier the woman whose voice was used for the IRS Telefile system. "I mean, you could totally tell that one chick [Parkins] was a Californian. She totally sounded like she had just spent a few hours at the beach," reported Helton. "The IRS chick sounded smarter, like she may have been a librarian or something. I mean, when she'd ask you to enter a 9-digit number, she'd start talking as soon as you entered the last digit, while the California girl would pause for a few seconds afterwards, as if she was still counting in her head how many digits you'd entered."

Helton added that Parkins sounded a lot "hotter" and that he'd "rather go for her, mainly because she's probably blonde."

Horoscopes
Brought to you by Fletcher-Jones Motorcars: 'The Stars see a new Mercedes Benz in your future'

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
True strength is found in standing firm, yet bending gently, so long as you aren't bending gently to get the soap in the prison's community shower.

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
Solitude is necessary to the human spirit, but your mother won't buy that as the reason you haven't dated in 10 years.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
A man's reputation is only as solid as his character. So be sure to take on that mission that will add +5 Dexterity and +3 Strength. That will really make your Everquest character solid.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
Each day you live is another chance to stretch your limits and expand your horizons, so be sure to take advantage of that before this coming Thursday.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
Only you can navigate the course your life will take. So why do you think that the random movement of stellar bodies trillions of miles away will have the slightest affect on your life?

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
Who you are is reflected in the world around you, which explains why trees suddenly double in width when you walk by, you fat slob.

Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
In each one of us there is a wanderer - a seeker and explorer of life. So keep that in mind next week when you "wander" into a bar "seeking" romance and end up "exploring" the inside of a dumpster.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
Tranquility can't be acquired, only experienced, but acquiring that LSD will certainly get you closer to the experience.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
Life has no borders or boundaries, or so your boss says every time they move you into a smaller cubicle.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
"Let the warm glow of the setting sun kiss life's hurts away" the psycho-hijacker will say as he aims the first inter-planetary passenger liner, on which you happen to be an unfortunate passenger, straight towards the sun

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
It's the journey that counts, but don't expect the dozen or so police cars chasing you down the crowded interstate to realize this and go easy on you.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
On the canvas of the imagination, worlds of incredible beauty are created. It's very sad just how many worlds are going to be destroyed this weekend when the aliens use there mind-control device to brainwash to entire planet into doing their evil bidding.

With very few apologies to American Greetings, Corp. and their day-to-day smarmy quote calendar

Anti-war Protestors Cause Beltway Gridlock
Courtesy CNN

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In the wake of another massive anti-war protest, massive gridlock occured on the Washington Beltway, Monday evening, when nearly one hundred cars with bumper stickers protesting the Iraq War took to the freeway.

The protest began around 5:00pm, when protestors spontaneously got on the freeway at various different points around the nation's capital. Within minutes, traffic slowed to a stand-still, obviously caused by the members of the protest. The slogans on the bumper stickers varied from "Stop the War" to "No Blood for Oil" to simply a 'W' with a slash through it. It is theorized that some of the driving protestors may or may not be related to soldiers who may or may not have been wounded in the war.

Protest organizers were not available for comment. Questions have arisen about the existence of the organizers.

Bumper Sticker Shows Bush Error of His Ways

WASHINGTON, D.C. - President George W. Bush announced today that he has reversed his stance about the war with Iraq because of a bumper sticker he saw.

"I was riding in my motorcade and this car passed me with a bumper sticker that said 'War is not the answer,'" the President said. "I just couldn't refute that profound argument. Thank you to that anonymous driver, who has shown me the error of my ways."

Bush went on to apologize to the people of Iraq for freeing them from Saddam Hussein.