Book Reviews
Monday, May 11, 2009
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
The Summer Blockbuster Final Tally.
Now that this mad, mad, mad, mad summer of big movies is finally winding down, we can take a step back to analyze, objectively, which one was the best. Noticing a void and filling it in his best manner, Dave put together a Reviewinator program in Visual Basic that provides a method of rating movies, taking into account that different movies are good for different reasons. The Reviewinator allows you to define categories for a movie, and weight them according to what is most important. For instance, "ability to make you cry," "touchy-feely-ness," and "David Duchovny's suaveness" might be important categories for Return to Me but not for Commando. The Reviewinator then takes a weighted average to determine the objective score for a movie. Note that a category can have a negative weighting, which indicates that it's important that a movie does not have that quality (for instance, "touchy-feely-ness" in Commando), but in all cases, higher category values are better (for instance, a category weighted -5, with a value of 10 indicates that it's important the movie not contain any of that, and it didn't).
So without further adieu, I present the final, objective, and completely inarguable scores for the summer's top blockbusters.
Review for Spider-Man 3
Overall rating: 8.56
Content summary:
Web-slinging action (weight 5): 9
Intense, character-driven story (weight 5): 10
Evil, freak-show villains (weight 5): 10
Ability to stay on a single plot line for more than 30 seconds (weight 3): 3
Review for Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End
Overall rating: 8.24
Content summary:
Pirates (weight 5): 10
Ninja (weight -5): 10
Swords (weight 5): 10
Boats (weight 5): 10
Coherent Plot (weight 1): 6
Scene in which it is revealed that after 10 years, if the Dutchman's Captain's love remains true to him, he is released from his service and a new captain is found, otherwise, he is bound for an eternity, which explains that Calypso's betrayal of Davey Jones doomed him to an eternity as captain of the Dutchman, and gives the movie a satisfying ending, wherein Elizabeth, by being true to Will, gets him back after 10 years (weight 4): 0
Review for Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
Overall rating: 7.50
Content summary:
Superheroes (weight 5): 8
Supervillains (weight 5): 7
Action (weight 5): 7
Extreme lameness, like the first one (weight -5): 8
Review for Ocean's 13
Overall rating: 8.22
Content summary:
General Confusion about what's going on (weight 4): 8
George Clooney's suaveness (weight 3): 10
Brad Pitt's ability to make any woman swoon (weight 3): 6
Matt Damon's boyish good looks (weight 3): 8
Al Pacino's eeeeevilness (weight 3): 10
Julia Roberts' mouth the size of New Hampshire (weight -1): 10
Witty Repartee (weight 5): 7
Vegas, baby (weight 1): 10
Review for Transformers
Overall rating: 9.00
Content summary:
Awesomeness (weight 5): 10
Extreme Explosions (weight 5): 9
Crap-your-pants Action (weight 5): 10
One-liners (weight 3): 7
Ability to be appreciated by anyone outside of the 18-35 male demographic (weight 1): 5
Review for Ratatouille
Overall rating: 9.47
Content summary:
Animation (weight 5): 10
Humor (weight 5): 9
Sweetness (weight 4): 10
Pixar's Magic (weight 5): 9
Review for Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix, in IMAX 3D
Overall rating: 10.00
Content summary:
Witchcraft (weight 5): 10
Wizardry (weight 5): 10
Story (weight 5): 10
Shootout in the Ministry of Magic, in 3D (weight 5): 12
Quidditch (weight 1): 0
Review for The Simpsons Movie
Overall rating: 7.95
Content summary:
D'oh! (weight 5): 10
Why you little! (weight 5): 10
Aye Carumba! (weight 3): 8
*sneers* Excellent (weight 3): 7
Humor (weight 5): 8
Bart's penis, which I really just did not need to see (weight -1): -10
And there you have it, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix easily walks away as the best movie of the summer. Remember, if you disagree you are not just wrong, you are educated stupid and evil.
Also, I haven't yet seen Live Free or Die Hard or The Bourne Ultimatum so if you have, please feel free to send me a pithy and arbitrary review.
-----EDIT-----
Finally saw Bourne Ultimatum and Die Hard 4 so here are the indisputable reviews.
Review for Bourne Ultimatum
Overall rating: 8.39
Content summary:
Suspense (weight 5): 10
Action (weight 5): 10
Suspenseful foot chases (weight 4): 10
Action-ful car chases (weight 5): 10
Matt Damon's boyish good looks (weight 3): 10
Hot chick, saved by Matt Damon's boyish good looks (weight 4): 10
OMFG WOULD YOU HOLD THAT GORRAM CAMERA STILL FOR JUST ONE FRAKKING SECOND! (weight 5): 0
Hehe. I used swear words from both Serenity AND BS Galactica in that previous category (weight 0): 10
Review for Live Free or Die Hard
Overall rating: 7.76
Content summary:
Compelling villain, portrayed by either Alan Rickman or Jeremy Irons (weight 4): 0
Explosions (weight 5): 10
"I'm a Mac" guy (weight -1): -5
More explosions (weight 4): 10
Bruce Willis progressively getting the crap kicked out of him (weight 5): 10
Even more explosions (weight 3): 10
Improbable means of killing bad guys (weight 3): 5
Destroying a helicopter by jumping a car into it (weight 4): 10
Hot asian ninja chick (weight 3): 10
Hot asian ninja chick getting her butt kicked by a non-ninja punch to the face (weight 3): 10
Plot where, in the end, it does in fact end up being a bank robbery (weight 1): 7
Beethoven's Ninth (weight 1): 0
Brilliantly Written by
Joe
at
9:50 AM
11
Witless Retort(s)