Hey, It's That Guy!
24, Day 7, 8:00am-9:00am edition
Ok, so while watching the season premiere of 24, I experienced the biggest case of "Hey, it's that guy" syndrome I had since watching The Storyteller. You know, where you seem to recognize all the actors, even though you can't name any of them.
Of course "Hey, it's that guy"-ness is very subjective, so my accounts of near-recognition of actors may differ from yours, but following is a synopsis of the season premiere of 24.
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We open with Dr. Phlox from Star Trek Enterprise driving his daughter to school. This is 24, so by contractual requirement, he is ABDUCTED BY TERRORISTS.
Meanwhile, Jack Bauer, the MOST BADASS MAN ALIVE, is sitting before the Senate Committee for Wasting Taxpayer Dollars, and being questioned by the dad from That 70's Show, who you may also remember is the President of the Federation. Jack Bauer argues that THE ENDS JUSTIFY THE MEANS, and that he can do what he wants because he is so badass (which he is, as are all heroes named "Jack").
The committee is interrupted by an FBI agent who arrives with a subpoena to bring in Jack. This is on Fox, so by contractual requirement, she is hot. Also, her first credited role was a bit part on Enterprise. Jack is taken without a reason given, but the senator/dad/president/guy who messes up the timeline tells Jack that he must be back by tomorrow morning, just 24 hours later. Jack quips "haha, the season will be over by then" before leaving.
Meanwhile, at the FBI office, a woman who road a motorcycle off a space-station into a Tyrannosaur-infested volcano (and is also a decent bowler) explains, for the benefit of the audience, that, in what must be the MOST IDIOTIC I.T. DECISION EVER, Dr. Phlox wrote the firewall used for every government network in existence. All computer geeks watching the show simultaneously suffer PLOT-STUPIDITY-INDUCED BRAIN ANEURYSMS.
Cut to the bad guys, who have a severly-beaten Dr. Phlox. He has, in the FIFTEEN MINUTES SINCE THEY ABDUCTED HIM, managed to construct a device that will DISRUPT ANY GOVERNMENT COMPUTER IN EXISTENCE. We see that the head henchman is the guy who captured Vin Diesel and took him to that awesome planet.
Back at the FBI, the hot FBI agent explains to Jack that Tony Almeida is STILL ALIVE, and that while Jack is dying, Tony will be STILL ALIVE, and that when Jack is dead, he will be STILL ALIVE. Jack does not believe it, mostly because as a badass named "Jack", he cannot be killed.
Cut back to the bad guys, and we see that Tony is, in fact, STILL ALIVE. He threatens Dr. Phlox when the disgronificator does not work properly.
Now, we meet the President of the US who, as it turns out, is Matt Damon's con-artist mother. She also got to investigate Crop Circles with Mel Gibson, and run a Village with William Hurt. She is considering the potentially unpopular action of sending troops in to the fictional AFRICAN COUNTRY OF FICTIONALISTAN, which is being terrorized by a warlord who threatened San Francisco with VX nerve gas, only to be thwarted by Sean Connery and Nicolas Cage (although he has done many, many other things including leading a feared race of Jaffa, saving Alyx Vance, been Worf's younger brother, turned Voyager's holodeck into a hunting game, and killed himself as an old man, so his father, Benjamin Sisko, would return to the time he was zapped by the warp core (that last one is obscure; don't even pretend you get it)). Since she is a woman, probably a Hillary allegory, the producers are allowed to portray a potentially unpopular conflict without a sneer at PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH. Her husband is the Lord Marshal of the Necromonger armies, who was also the president of the colonies before they were wiped out by the Cylons.
Back to the Bad Guys, Dr. Phlox fixes his doohickey and Tony, who is doing science and STILL ALIVE, uses it to take control of the FAA systems and GIVE BAD DIRECTIONS TO PILOTS. We see the reaction from the FAA, which is run by Tim Allen's brother.
Back to the president, she is informed by SSgt. William "Wild Bill" Guarnere, who you may also remember as the ex-husband of Sharona Fleming, Mr. Monk's former assistant, what is going on at the FAA. She ponders if it may be related to her forthcoming decision to wage war on a Klingon-Jaffa who took over Alcatraz.
Meanwhile Jack Bauer, who is a badass because his name is "Jack", is helping the FBI by looking through files, and notices the name of a contact of his and Tony's. He convinces the hot agent to go with him to check out the lead, who is CONVENIENTLY IN WASHINGTON DC, within 5 minutes of the FBI, during rushhour traffic. They arrive at the contact's apartment. It turnes out that the contact is none other than Cicero, General Maximus' servant, whose plight of having his bride abducted on their wedding night, you may remember, inspired Mel Gibson to declare war on the King of England.
Jack and Hot Agent talk with Cicero. Jack is able to restrain himself for THIRTY WHOLE SECONDS before resorting to violence. Cicero is about to talk when he is shot by a sniper. Tony calls Cicero's phone, Jack answers, and hear's Tony's voice on the other end, saying that he's STILL ALIVE, STILL ALIVE, STILL—ok, I'm done with that joke.
At this point the author STOPPED PAYING ATTENTION, and FORGOT WHY HE PERIODICALLY TYPES ENTIRE PHRASES IN CAPITAL LETTERS, but NOW SEEMS LIKE A GOOD TIME TO DO IT, ANYWAYS.
