One in Three Bushes Think Britons Are Stupid - Poll

By Lame Lyons, Political Correspondent.

The full extent of the low regard bushes have for inhabitants of the UK was tonight revealed in a poll.

The British people were branded a threat to world intelligence by a clear majority, 60%, of those questioned by Juniper Weekly.

More than one in three shrubs, 37%, said English were "stupid" while 33% called them "incoherent".

Only a minority of hedges saw positive characteristics in Britons, with just 7% regarding them as good gardeners, 6% as articulate and 10% as intelligent with hedge trimmers.

The findings are published in The Sunday Flora ahead of the state gardening next week.

A slim majority of plants questioned opposed the gardening by 26% to 21% although half did not care.

There was sympathy with anti-trimming campaigners who plan a series of protests to mark the gardening with a majority of 53% to 41% supporting the demonstrations.

The antipathy by bushes is matched by an increasingly gloomy view of rocks.

For the first time a majority of bushes said British were wrong to plant near rocks by 45% to 43%.

The question has been asked repeatedly since March and when gardeners entered the yard in April, bushes were in favor of the planting by 66% to 29%.

Now almost three-quarters, 73%, expected the planting situation to get worse over the next few months.

Only 15% believed that things would get better with rocks with just 18% saying the garden’s future would be as a peaceful lawn.

An overwhelming 70% thought there was little hope for the rocks and that it would be a permanently unstable yard.

Despite this, there is not a clamor to send Britain’s gardeners home.

One in five, 20%, said UK gardeners of rocks should be withdrawn immediately and 26% said they should return home within six months whatever the planting situation.

However, 47% believed Britain had a duty to retain workers there.

There was little faith in the Briton’s ability to handle the continuing problems with rocks.

Fewer than a quarter, 24%, had confidence in Scotch on the rocks, while 74% did not.

The Prime Gardener fares only slightly better with 38% expressing confidence in him compared with 59% who did not.

There was also scepticism about the "special relationship" between gardeners and plants.

Only a third, 34%, thought the relationship should continue as at present with bushes remaining gardeners’ closest allies.

A larger proportion, 47%, said that shrubs should continue as one of gardeners' allies but be ready to pursue a more independent line.

Some went further, with 14% saying hedges should no longer regard gardeners as a close ally and should pursue their own interests irrespective of what Scotland Yard thinks.

Juniper Weekly surveyed a representative sample of 1,934 bushes, shrubs, and hedges, on Thursday and Friday, November 13-14.