Cuban Sky Getting Pinker by the minute.

I'll try to keep this post more civil so that I don't have to remove it.

Anyways, once you get used to Rie's mom, she's quite humorous. Not in the "laughing with her" meaning, but definitely in the "laughing at her" sense. For instance, this last Sunday, when we were eating lunch before going out house hunting, Rie's mom made some comment about "later, if God blesses you with a baby." I was immediately reminded of the Calvin and Hobbes cartoon where Calvin's dad tells Calvin they won't decorate the tree and will just leave it in the garage "Then on Christmas Day," his dad says "if you get a present...." "If I get a present?" Calvin responds, horrified. Anyways, I just had to laugh at the idea that "possibly" in a while Rie and I might have "a" baby.

But aside from that, things went quite well. After seeming somewhat averse initially to my insistance that $400,000 was too much and that we should start by looking at things closer to $250,000, she quickly opened up and showed us some 1 bed, 1 bath condos (all we need for now, really).

Idiot(s) of the Day/Week/Month
AKA More Best Parking Jobs Ever

Now, I've known some crazy female drivers (not naming names here... *cough*Cari*cough*), but NONE quite this bad. My favorite is the one with the boat. I mean, just imagine trying to get out of the car. Also imagine trying not to laugh while watching the person get out. This one was linked from JengaJam.

Here's one I saw on BBSpot a while back and am only just now getting around to ridiculing. It's a Gallery Of Bad Designs, the only problem is it's mostly a gallery of stupid people. I know, I shouldn't be so quick to judge, but consider this example:

From the site: "When I get gas for my car, I have to make an effort to read this gas pump display carefully or I confuse the dollar cost of the gas purchased with the amount of gas purchased. I need to know the dollar cost, not the number of gallons. It doesn't look like it would be confusing, but it is. The dollar cost should be more obvious. A person shouldn't have to make an effort to read a display like this." Now, I don't know about you, but the GIANT DOLLAR SIGN would have tipped me off. Here's another good one:
"They pulled the handles that opened the doors and went down the walkway. Upon reaching the other end they again pulled the handles, but the doors wouldn't budge. Assuming the doors were locked, they returned to the doors they originally opened to enter the walkway. But when they tried to pull open these doors, they wouldn't open either. They were trapped in the walkway between the two buildings!" It goes on to describe how they waved to the people inside and tried to get them to open the doors. They were trapped for several minutes until they finally pushed the doors open. Again, maybe it's just me, but whenever I run into a door like this, if opening it one way doesn't work, I immediately try opening it the other way insteading of assuming it's locked. If you read carefully, you'll notice that when they tried to go back out the way they came in, they didn't even try opening the doors the same way they had before. Gary Larson's famous "School for the Gifted" comic comes to mind.

To be fair, the point about the door's design is valid. Likewise for most of the items on the site. But a few of the complaints seem like people just couldn't figure out something really simple. Maybe it's my math genes (thanks Mom and Dad!) that lead me to consider all possible configurations before coming to a conclusion, but if you ever have the desire to feel mentally superior to strangers, visit this site.

I know, I shouldn't pretend to be so smart. After all, it took me three days to figure out Petals Around the Rose. Oops, sorry Joe.

True Story

Well, since Cari's writing about all her funny experiences in college, I figured I should share this story from my recent past.

One of my numerous jobs here at [company name deleted] is to conduct training in the use of our software. So the last training session I conducted before Australia was here in our offices this July. When I actually have to meet face to face with a client or potential client, I can't wear my usual jeans and T-Shirt to work, so I wear my "nice clothes": the now-6-year-old faded "blue"pants my mom bought me when I started at El Camino College, and one of two identical white long sleeve shirts. My co-workers, Jeremy and Amy, sat in on parts of the course that took place over three days. Well, at one point when I was in the training room and they were back in the office, Jeremy said to Amy, "this may sound bad, but we have got to get Joe new clothes". So before the training in Australia, Amy staged an intervention and offered to take me out to help me buy new clothes. You may not know it but Amy is getting married this Saturday. The poor girl, nine days before her wedding, when she's in the midst of final preperations, dealing with her future mother-in-law, and the stress caused by everything, takes a long lunch from work so she can take me to go clothes shopping.

So the day before I left, Amy and I went to Kohl's so I could get some nice clothes. How much of a guy am I that I need my co-worker to take me to buy clothes because I would be too helpless on my own? It is truely amazing watching a woman at work shopping, though. While I was walking amongst the endless racks of pants, I saw only three kinds: Black, Blue, and Gray. Amy, however, was able to see through these superficialities to the inner core of the pants and was somehow able to determine, through some kind of special feminine intuition, that some of these pants were better than others. She also mentioned some strange terminology like "pleats". I'm assuming this is some strange concept that only women can understand.

Also, I was amazed to learn that shirts now come in actual colors other than white. Not only that, but some of them even have patterns on them, such as pinstripes. What will modern technology come up with next?




That's it. That's all there is to the story. No, there's no punch-line, aside from "I'm a guy".

What? You're not satisfied with that? Ok, how about this: A priest, a rabbi, and a buddhist monk walk into a bar, sit at the end and start having some drinks. Two hours later, they come out with a better understanding of each other and a mutual respect, the beginnings of a friendship that lasts a lifetime.

Still not laughing, eh? Well how 'bout this one? What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Give up? The holocaust.

Sheesh, this room makes an igloo seem pleasant. Well, you better laugh at something. I've got enough material to go all night.

Foster's: Australian for Swill.

At least, that's what I've been told by every Australian I've ever asked about it.

Anyways, I failed to adequately determine the directional flow of toilet flushes in Australia, mainly because I forgot to look, but I did notice the water flowing down the drain of the shower went counter-clockwise. Apparently Coreolis effects don't register over a radius of a couple inches.

Anyways, the primary discovery of the trip is that there are a lot of crappy movies out there, and they're easily accessible. I watched many of these crappy movies, simply because I had nothing better to do. Crappy movies on the 15-hour plain ride on the way there, crappy movies in the hotel every night after training and every morning before (when you're jet-lagged, you tend to wake up at 4am, and since you don't have anything better to do, crappy movies fill that void), and crappy movies on the 14-hour plain ride back. Oh, and one crappy movie after I got back. No excuse for that one.

Anyways, following is a list of the crappy movies I watched over the last few days and some mockery of them. Sidebar will be updated.

1- Kingdom of Heaven: 7.0
Not actually that crappy. We're supposed to learn from this that there are good and bad people from every faith. Good Christians, bad Christians, good Muslims, bad... hey, where are the bad Muslims? I guess according to this movie, no one of the Islamic faith has ever commited an evil in the name of Allah. Fantastic battles scenes, Orlando Bloom carries his weight well, but the movie lost me when it tried to portray all religions as being equal.

2- Monster-In-Law: 3.0
I didn't know they'd made a movie about Rie's mom. Ha ha ha... ha ha... ha. Oh well. I do have to admit I did laugh at a couple things in the movie. I've forgotten what those things are, so obviously they couldn't have been that funny. The primary draw of the movie is we see that Jane Fonda truely is evil.

3- Criminal: 7.5?
Unfortunatley, I missed the first 20 minutes of this one, but it looked interesting. A movie about con-men, sort of like a modern-day "The Sting". It loses points for vulgarity though. It's also just plain boring in some parts.

4- The Incredibles: 10.0
Not a crappy movie by any stretch of the imagination. My favorite Pixar movies ever, and the movie that saved me from despairing in the sea of mediocrity.

5- Constantine: -1.0
Utter, utter drivel. The moderately attractive Rachel Weiss was the only thing in it that kept me from clawing out my eyes and swallowing them because the inside of my stomach would look better than this movie.

6- The Pacifier: 6.0
Mainly humorous because you get to see Vin Diesel make a fool of himself, but very silly and not always in a good way. You might like it if you liked Kindergarten Cop.

7- Bride and Prejudice: 7.0?
Not crappy, but unfortunately I missed the beginning, so I didn't always understand what was going on (who's marrying who now)? Definite chick-flick.

8- Madagascar: 5.0
Oh, it tried so hard to be funny. Shouldn't we give it bonus points for that? No.

9- Sin City: -5.0
Definitely, the worst movie I saw the entire trip. Not bad because of acting or writing, but bad because it is utterly, utterly depraved. Of course, what would you expect from the title?

10- Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: 9.0
So long and thanks for all the fish.
So sad that it should come to this.
We tried to warn you all but oh dear.

You may not share our intellect,
Which might explain your disrespect,
For all the natural wonders which grow around you

So long, so long, and thanks for all the fish.

You're world's about to be destroyed.
There's no point getting all annoyed.
Just lay back and let the planet dissolve around you.

Despite the nets and tuna fleets,
We thought that most of you were sweet,
Especially tiny tots and your pregnant women.

So long, so long, so long, so long, so long,
So long, so long, so long, so long, so long,
So long, so long, and thanks for all the fish.

There, now that I've passed it on YOU can start singing it and maybe I can get it out of my head.

11- Fever Pitch: 6.0
Not bad. Not good either. Except Drew Barrymore. I've seen her in enough things that I liked that she's avoided my black-list for the amazing crap that she's done as well.

12- Catwoman: 4.0
Not as bad as I had been lead to believe... which isn't saying much. 'Bright' spot was Alex Borstein (voice of Lois Griffin on "Family Guy"), but then again, a beagle seems bright in a sea of June Bugs. What I learned from this movie: women and cats like shiny objects.

---Edit---
Forgot one:
13- In Good Company: 7.0
Not half bad. Interesting take on a young man's life and the things that really should be important. Although, for once I wish someone in a movie would say "Oh, I can't sleep with you; we're not married."

Area Man Could Care Slightly Less About Network Availability Modeling.

MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA - According to sources close to him, area man Joe Belland gives "half a rat's ass" for network availability modeling. During a recent training session, Belland was reported to state "and as you can see, by defining a parts list to contain all the interchangeable interface cards in the parts library, we can easily swap out parts in a given slot with a similar one, to see how a more or less reliable component would affect the availability of the entire- y'know, this is really boring, but at least it's not reliability-centered maintenance"

Belland later stated that "after spending numerous hours going back and forth from watching a faucet drip and modeling network availability, the network availability rates as slightly more interesting."

Idiots of the Day/Week/Month.

Va. laptop sale turns into a stampede.

Good Gravy, people. It's just a bunch of old Macs. If you're going to riot, make it over something worthwhile, like Star Wars tickets.

NCAA Requiring Notre Dame to Change Mascot

SOUTH BEND, IN - In the wake of the National Collegiate Athletic Association ruling to prohibit American Indian names and mascots in postseason tournaments, the NCAA has issued another ruling requiring the University of Notre Dame to change their team name and mascot if they wish to participate in postseason play.

"After requiring the University of Illinois Fighting Illini and the University of North Dakota Fighting Sioux to change there names as 'hostile' and 'abusive' to Native Americans, we realized it would be racist if we didn't require the Notre Dame Fighting Irish to change their name, as abusive to Irish persons," said NCAA spokesman Jamaal Foney.

The ruling has come under immediate fire from Notre Dame administration, as well as from sports commentators around the nation. Said one dissenter to the name change, "even though I support the ruling about American Indian mascots, I don't think we should apply the same standard to other groups. The Native Americans have been so oppressed by this nation that I don't think we should say anything about them that may or may not be considered hostile. It's a different story with the Irish, though. I mean, it's not like anyone has ever oppressed them."

A University of Notre Dame spokesman said "while we do approve of the removal of stereotypes, particularly Native American stereotypes, from sports teams, I would like to point out that the Notre Dame's mascot is not a stereotype. While not all Indians wear feathers, throw tomahawks, and collect scalps, all Irishmen are short, wear green, drink beer, and get in bar fights."

Movie Review: Lawrence of Arabia

Ok, so I admit: maybe watching a patriotic Arab movie in the wake of global terrorist attacks wasn’t the best way to enjoy and do justice to the film Lawrence of Arabia. Still, aside from Peter O’Toole sporting a bleached ‘do similar to Brad Pitt’s latest catastrophe (minus the gag-inducing spikes) and running around like a madman just escaped from the psyche ward, the movie was at best…befuddling. In fact, my reaction of What the stinking heck? was probably one of the greatest tributes ever paid to that multi-Academy-Award-winning film.

So there I was, alone as if in a desert, watching the eight thousandth shot of a God-forsaken desert pass before my eyes, helplessly struggling to find meaning in the most plot-lacking plot I had ever encountered, and wondering when in the world I could see some green grass again—because we all know that in the desert the sand is always sandier on the other dune. I examined the characters. There was Lawrence, the British soldier fighting to…do what?, prancing around the desert like a self-worshipping god, blowing up trains, trying to be an Arab, then trying not to be an Arab, and overall feeling like a lowly pawn attempting to straddle the composite grandeur of all the mountains in the world—in short, a simple, average English boy. Ok, moving on. Then there was Prince Feizel (spelling up for grabs), played by the greatest actor in history, Sir Alec Guinness, who looked like his skin had been browned with wood stainer, and whose painfully fake Arabic accent sounded way too British for comfort. (However, his black goatee was, to use Paris Hilton lingo, hot!)

Aside from those two, Omar Sharif was…who the heck was he supposed to be? Some tribal Arab leader, I gathered, just thrown in the mix for his (successful) sex appeal, though I was convinced that even his screen presence would fail to entice women to view the flick. Claude Rains was established as a random evil genius-behind-the-scenes of some squeaky political deal (though what that deal was, only the flying pigs could say). An American reporter graced several scenes, and his true-to-life accent was a breath of fresh air; his main mission in life was to paint Lawrence as a hero so that America would go to war, and which war was dubious. Exactly. You fill in the missing puzzle.

I watched Lawrence off and on throughout the week while I folded laundry and did situps; it was the most sleepless week I’ve ever had. The fact that I did not understand the movie AT ALL kept me awake at night as I struggled to make some sense of everything. I was sincerely thrown into an existential crisis as I pondered whether or not I really exist, whether I was really a rational being, and whether my acute feelings of dehydration were at all related to the film, and if so, did that mean I existed?

The most pervasive mystery of all was the question of why this movie had garnered so many awards. The scenery was ok, if you like desert, or desert spotted with brown little Arabs, or desert flecked with awesome horses, or desert with a few palm trees, or—you get the point—but it wasn’t breathtaking. The acting was ok—a bit haywire, but with all those big names, someone was bound to deliver. But I couldn’t for the life of me understand the politics. All I knew was that Lawrence was an Englishman leading the Arabs to victory over the Turks. Why? When? Eventually, everything revolved around taking the city of Damascus, and when he accomplished this, Lawrence got to go home. The End.

The End. Those two words restored my faith in my own sanity. I had hit the end of the tape, and it hit me: I had watched the movie bass ackwards. Yes, I, the ultimate critic of other people’s intelligence, had put in the second tape first (it was in the first tape’s slot). I wept for joy.

So, I popped in the first tape second, and gradually the film started to make sense. Except for now, in the middle of the story, Lawrence was dead. That will do weird things to your brain. But it won’t do anything as weird as watching the movie backwards and not knowing it. I recommend this sort of sport for anyone who loves to play mind games. Just keep pointy objects at a safe distance.

Loud, Shrill Shriek Disrupts Southland.
Area woman causes traffic accidents, work stoppages, heart failures with ear-piercing noise.

El Segundo, CA - At precisely 1:04 pm PDT today, a loud, high-pitched squeal was heard by residents of Southern California. The noise, which could be heard as far away as Victorville and Santa Barbara, is being blamed for numerous disruptions, including traffic accidents, work stoppages, and 3 deaths. Additionally, initial damage estimates for cracked and shattered windows range between $900,000 and $3 million.

Several southland freeways experienced traffic congestion caused by accidents, as motorists slammed on their brakes when they heard the cry. Said one commuter from West Covina, "I heard this shrill screech and thought it might be my brakes failing. I slowed down to pull off the freeway, and was hit by the person behind me, who thought the noise was coming from his radio and was adjusting the volume."

Additionally, some hospitals are reporting a spike in the number of heart attacks treated. At least three people have died, including a 76-year-old man who grew up in London during the Blitz and thought the shriek was an air-raid siren. Witnesses reported that he started yelling that the Krauts were attacking, before keeling over. He was pronounced dead by paramedics on the scene.

Initial investigations have traced the screech to Anne Marie Belland, an Exectuve Assistant at the Raytheon facility in El Segundo. According to witnesses, a deafening screech was heard from her cubicle shortly before she emerged, screaming "I got the job! I got the job! Blizzard wants me!" She then ran out of the building and has not been seen since. Police have been dispatched to locate her, although no formal charges have been brought against her. Said ESPD Police Chief Jim Bravura, "we do not know Mrs. Belland's current whereabouts, but believe she may be heading to Big Bear, or some other colder climate, in search of this 'Blizzard' that she seems to believe has called to her. We are working closely with psychiatrists to try and guess what her next move will be."

The police chief also stated that Mrs. Belland would most likely not face criminal charges, since according to all witnesses she fled in a state of total mental hysteria and was not rational.

Another One Bites the Dust

S. Korean man dies after 50 hours of computer games - Yahoo! News

This is the second case I've heard of a South Korean keeling over from exhaustion. The other one was after 80 or so hours. There was also the case of a taiwanese man dying after only 30 hours.

They're all wimps. I bet I could do at least 100 hours.