So Sorry, But You Can't Graduate Until You Take A Pointless Elective.
By Wilfred Belinsky, Dean of Students, California State University of Fullerton

Dear Student,

In preperation for our commencement ceremonies next month, we have been reviewing our students' transcripts to ensure that each and every one has fulfilled CSUF's rigorous academic program and have become well-rounded, educated citizens able to use the critical thinking skills required by today's society. After all, CSUF cannot allow one student to graduate without having met its important qualifications, as this would reflect poorly on CSUF's reputation as a serious institution of higher learning.

I regret to inform you that while reviewing your academic transcript, it has come to our attention that you are short of the requirements by one class. Apparently, a class that you had taken at your previous school did not transfer towards your academic requirement here in Fullerton, despite the fact that we told you it had.

Unfortunately, this means that you will not be receiving your Bachelor's degree at the end of the Spring 2005 semester as planned. I do have good news, however. The class you are lacking is from the "pointless electives" category and you will be able to make up the difference during the summer semester. Cal State Fullerton offers a wide array of pointless and trivial electives that you can use to satisfy your requirements. I suggest picking up a course catalog for the summer semester. Inside, you will find many idiotic courses to choose from that will develop your mind and help you to become a better citizen.

One class I might suggest is our special topics health class "Alcohol Intervention". Over the course of the 4-week mini session, you will learn all about different alcoholic drinks, how to mix them, and their effects on the human body. You will also learn how to recognize the signs of alcoholism in a friend and how to treat someone who is in danger of dying from alcohol poisoning.

I see that you are a History major. Then perhaps you would enjoy HST 335: "History of Rock and Roll". This is a popular History elective, enjoyed by young and old alike. You will be taken from the earliest days of Rock and Roll all the way through the '80s hair metal to the current style of inoffensive pop/rock. Extra credit is awarded for listening to the radio outside of class.

If you're looking for something outside of your major, to broaden your horizons, might I suggest Surfing 218: "Surf Board Styles and Riding Techniques"? This is another class that is popular with our California youth culture. In the course you will be instructed about different styles of surfboards, their origins, and how they are ridden. The midterm project is to spend a day surfing at the beach.

In addition to these fine classes, you will find many other equally pointless electives, such as ENG 191: "Classic Automobiles", House and Home 412: "Underwater Basket Weaving", and Sociology 380: "Women's Studies".

I hope you will not be frustrated about your inability to graduate and instead look on this as an opporunity to further your education. You must understand that we cannot make exceptions to our graduation requirements. Imagine the loss of reputation Cal State Fullerton would receive if word got out that it was graduating students who had not completely met the requirements for time-wasting and ultimately trivial classes. Employers around the country would cease to accept CSUF's degrees, knowing that students had not taken their quota of mind-numbing and degrading courses. This is unacceptable.

I close by offering you good luck on your next semester, not that you will need it. The pointless electives require the brain power of a cockroach to pass, so you should have no trouble at all.

Sincerely,

Wilfred Belinsky
Dean of Students
California State University, Fullerton

Idiot of the Day/Week/Month

http://boxofficemojo.com/reviews/?id=1815&p=.htm

Ok, BoxOfficeMojo.com is great for tracking the quiggly-jiggly-illions of dollars that movies make, but that's about it. The guy who runs it also posts his movie reviews, and to this date, I don't think I've seen one that I agree with.

Anyways, the part of this review that lowers it from "who the hell cares what you think" to "ha ha, that's so stupid, you moron" is the line: Venerable names like Vader are assigned cursory origins, more like perfunctory backpedaling than progressive plotting. When a shiny Nazi-like helmet—a lacquered icon for evil—locks on Vader's wounded head, it is an afterthought, selected by no one for no apparent reason other than that it matches his black cape.

Y'know, that's just what ROTS needed, a montage sequence of Darths Sidious and Vader going to Helmets "R" Us at the Coruscant shopping mall and trying on all sorts of different funny looking hats, until Vader, about to leave dejected and unable to find the one he wants, spies the infamous Vader mask in the back corner. This scene should be cut to Eric Clapton's "Wonderful Tonight".

Also the scene where Darth Sidious says in his creepy, uber-deep and sinister voice, "Henceforth you shall be known as 'Darth... Vader'" should also be changed. He should try out a few other names first. Y'know, like "Darth Harpo", then "Darth Snooky-Wookums". Until he finally finds one that Anakin likes.

The reviewer also makes the claim that "there is not one memorable scene." I was going to counter this by making a list of my favorite memorable scenes, but then realized that would just be the entire movie. But anyways, Anakin bursting into flames is pretty memorable (it's seered, seered into my memory, as John Kerry might say), but my favorite scene is probably the one in the trailer where Anakin and Palpatine are at the weird concert thing, and Palpatine says "The dark side of the force is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be 'sploitz." To which Anakin responds, "Is it possible to use these abilities to Power Level?" Palpatine puts further division between Anakin and the Jedi by saying "The Jedi are lame. They won't let you PL." Well, the scene went something like that. I've only seen it 3 times so my memory's a bit hazy. (Hazy like the moores of Scotland? Yes, Exactly!)

Anyways, following are my fan-boy comments on that scene from the movie (huge spoilers; don't read unless you have seen the movie or want to hate yourself; highlight to read). The debate that will be raging for years to come on Star Wars message boards from this scene is who is Anakin's father really? I hold that (twist of twists) Palpatine is Anakin's father. When he starts telling the tale of Darth Plagus the Wise, Palpatine mentions that Plagus was so powerful he could influence the midichlorians to create a life, obviously hinting that Plagus may have created Anakin. As he goes on and talks about Plagus' death, he mentions that unfortunately, he taught his apprentice everything he knew (implying that his apprentice may have also learned to influence midichlorians). At the end of the tale, when Palpatine is recounting that Plagus' apprentice killed him in his sleep, and it was ironic that Plagus could save the ones he cared about but not himself, it seems that Palpatine is almost reminiscing- remembering even- how he killed his former master. I guess George Lucas wanted to keep it more subtle than Palpatine saying, "Anakin, I am your father." That's been done before.

Anyways, if you haven't seen the movie GO SEE IT! Unless you're in Iraq. In that case, the best you can do is wait for your friends to buy a pirated DVD off the street and mail it to you. Or download it off Kazaa.

Revenge of the Sith.

Okay, I've seen Episode III twice so far. After a 26-hour camp-out at the AMC, I saw the midnight show there. Then Rie and I went to see it again at the Edwards IMAX in Irvine today at 3:00pm. I thought I should share my thoughts on it.

So, where do I start? I have a hard time writing about the movie, as I'm still in shock about it. This is probably the darkest movie I've ever seen. It makes Empire Strikes Back look like a Shirley Temple movie. I was listening to the Michael Medved show while waiting in line on Wednesday, and the guest host said that no one under 10 years of age should see this movie. My reaction to that was "Oh come on, how bad can it be? It's a Star Wars movie!" I ended up eating my words about 12 hours later, as we all saw just how dark it could be.

I don't want to give anything away, but there was one particularly dark scene that sent everyone in the theater into shock. For a moment, you suspect what might be about to happen but think, no there's no way it could go that far. Then it does. You could hear the collective gasp from the audience, then a thud as everyone's jaw hit the floor in disbelief. Audra and Christine were sitting a couple seats down from me, and I could hear them both start to cry, sort of a muffled whimper. Everyone, and I mean everyone, left the theater with teary eyes. Even Jimmy, one of the toughest, most macho guys I know, said he had misty eyes towards the end. One of Rie's friends from the Orange County Star Wars Society, a middle-aged gentleman, said that he needed a hug afterwards.

But after all that, this is still probably the best Star Wars movie ever, IMHO. The opening action sequence puts the Battle of Endor from Return of the Jedi to shame. The climactic saber battle between Anakin and Obi-Wan makes it look like Darth Maul was playing patty-cake with Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon, by comparison. I thought the acting was much better in this film, especially the scenes between Anakin and Padmé (but then again, what do I know? I liked Episode II). And Lucas obviously listened to the fans, as Jar-Jar has maybe 10 seconds of screen time, and not a single spoken line. It is a spectacularly good film.

But despite that, I do have to urge extreme caution before viewing it. It is the only Star Wars movie to earn a PG-13, and it's for a very good reason. If you are at all sensitive to violence (Mom), you may not like it. But you should still see it anyways, as it's extraordinarily good, and wraps up the Star Wars saga once and for all. They even tie up every loose thread: where Obi-Wan gets Anakin's saber to give to Luke; why C-3PO doesn't remember plot-critical details, and others.

This last time I watched it, I was remarking just how Tolkien-esque the movie is. The Silmarillion is filled with tales of tragic love, and the romance between Anakin and Padmé could just as easily be between two elves of the Noldorin race. In particular (spoiler alert, but it's not like we didn't know they were coming; highlight to read), Padmé's funeral scene, in the procession, her body is holding the trinket Anaking made for her in Episode I. When I saw that, I thought it could have been taken right out of Tolkien. And indeed, even the way Padmé dies, from pure grief, is the way Tinuviel the elf died, after her love, Beren, was mortally wounded. Additionally, the whole romance reminds me of Maeglin's forbidden love of his cousin, Idril, which eventually led to his downfall and the doom of Gondolin (the last hold-out of the Elves of Beleriand).

You may have heard that Episode III is an anti-Bush movie. They were saying such on the Michael Medved show, and in some newspaper articles I read. This is complete hogwash. While George Lucas has indicated, without naming names, that the movie can be compared to present times, the comparison of Bush to the Emperor is so ludicrous as to be laughable. The two lines that seemed to cause the most offense, Padmé saying "So this is how Liberty dies: to thunderous applause", and when Obi-Wan responds to Anakin's line "You are either with me or you are my enemy", by saying "Only a Sith would think in absolutes" fit in so well with the story and what's going on in the movie that they in no way led me to believe they're talking about current events. I would never have even thought it was supposed to be a stab at Bush but for the fact that Lucas hinted at it.

There was a site that tracked the severed limbs of Star Wars. They essentially rated each movie based off of how many hands got cut off. Empire was the best, with an arm and a hand (Wampa's arm, Luke's hand), and Phantom Menace was the worst, with no lost hands (only a body cut in half). By that reckoning, this is the best movie, with no fewer than four severed hands two severed legs, and a severed head, although I think might have spied two more heads the second time I saw it.

As with the previous two chapters, I listened to the soundtrack before seeing the movie. I always like to do this, because without having seen the movie, the music stands on its own. You have no images attached to particular cues or motiffs, so you're free to let your imagination run wild to fit the music. When I listened to this soundtrack, as with Episode II, I was slightly disappointed. It felt like Williams had "phoned it in", so to speak. Whereas with Episode I, there was a plethora of new and exciting action music, for Episode II, Williams re-used much of the action music from Episode I. The entire final battle, from where the Jedi arrive at the arena, is cut entirely to the final battle music from Episode I. I don't think they even bothered recording a different orchestration or arrangement of it. Episode III is the same way. Except for the absolutely spectacular "Battle of the Heroes" track (which makes Duel of the Fates sound like Twinkle Twinkle Little Star), the rest of the soundtrack has little in the way of new, exciting action music. But watching the film, it's entirely different. The portions of the Episode I soundtrack they did use fit extremely well. During the climax, Duel of the Fates and Battle of the Heroes are cut together seamlessly and highlight the cuts between Anakin vs. Obi-Wan and Yoda vs. Darth Sidious. Also, the end credits track on the soundtrack was taken almost note-for-note from the finale of Episode IV. I felt a little cheated when I heard this, as each movie as yet had its own distinct end credit music that set it apart. Also, when listening to the music before seeing the movie, I thought it was too upbeat and should be darker considering how I thought the film would end. But after seeing the movie, I can see why the upbeat music was used. You need to be reminded that it all has a happy ending. In fact, the only way I could keep from despairing after walking out of the theater was by reminding myself that it all comes out right in the end: Anakin will redeem himself, and the Emperor will be destroyed.

I bought tickets for three different showings of Revenge of the Sith before it came out (the midnight on Thursday, the IMAX showing I saw today, and a digital showing on Sunday). Whereas I saw Phantom Menace 12 times in the theaters, I don't know that I'll see this one again after Sunday. It is hard to sit through at times. This movie also clearly illustrates the difference between a great movie and a likable movie. Whenever I'm asked to rate the Star Wars films from best to worst, I always make sure to make a distinction between a good movie and my favorite movie. By the former scale, I'd say I rank the saga, from best to worst, as III, V, VI, II, IV, I, but by the latter, I have to rank them from my most favorite to least favorite as VI, I, II, IV, III, V.

--EDIT--

Now that I've seen it 3 times, it's getting easier to take. When you know you're about to get socked in the jaw, it's less painful than when you don't see it coming.

Anyways, I've talked with Rie and we both agree that this is the best Star Wars movie, and at least for me, I think I've figured out why.

Over the last few years, I've found that my taste in movies has changed somewhat. I find myself thinking, "to make a good movie better, kill off the main character." There's something about heroic self-sacrifice that I find essential to a great, inspirational, and ultimately objectively-valued story. This all comes from 'The Greatest Story Ever Told', that of Our Lord's incarnation, death, and resurrection, through which man was redeemed. For a movie to mimic this great story somehow elevates it to a higher level of inherent value. This is why I love Lord of the Rings, Gladiator, and Ladder 49. I'm even the only person who liked Star Trek: Nemesis and Matrix Revolutions, and that's due largely to the fact that they kill off Data in the former and both Neo and Trinity in the latter. (On a side note, Data's death in ST:Nemesis is particularly moving because through the entire series, he was trying to become 'more human', and in the end, he finally does come as close as a robot can by commiting a noble, selfless act; something that sets man apart from beast (or machine). )

So anyways, the original Star Wars (IV: A New Hope), did have a little bit of the heroic self-sacrifice (Obi-Wan's death), but for the most part it was escapist fantasy. It had a certain Disnified "and they lived happily ever after" feel to it. As Scott Holleran, reviewer at BoxOfficeMojo.com points out, this is perhaps somewhat necessary, given the other movies of the '70s. In an era of depressing cinema (and world news, for that matter), you need an uplifting, optimistic movie to keep your spirits high.

With Star Wars VI: Return of the Jedi, the saga is elevated slightly more, with Vader sacrificing himself to save his son, and thus redeeming himself, (and the rest of the galaxy, from a certain point of view). But this never really felt complete (redeeming himself from what?) and as such, I never held the Star Wars Saga on the same level as stories such as Lord of the Rings.

With the prequels, culminating in Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith, the story of fall, sacrifice, and redemption has been completed. We finally see what Anakin is redeeming himself from through his self-sacrifice at the end of the saga. It's so simple. He was destined to save the galaxy from the evil of the Sith, he failed and joins the Sith, but through the help and love of his son, he turns from evil and fulfills his destiny. It's a monumentally great story.

Another thing about ROTS (also another reason I love it), it's a tragedy, in the most classical sense. Think about it: when was the last time you saw a tragedy? I mean, aside from Shakespeare. What was the last good modern tragedy you saw? For me, that would be Citizen Kane (that's recent). They're not frequently made anymore, understandably so. If you're going to spend $100m on a movie, you're not going to want your audience to walk away hating life.

Once a while ago, when I asked Mom about Shakespeare's Othello, she told me that a characteristic of Shakespeare's tragedies is that the main character is always brought down by his own personal faults. He might otherwise be a very good person, save for one character flaw that turns out to be his undoing. In the case of Othello, it's his jealousy. ROTS, is much the same way. Anakin, at the beginning of the movie, is a good, noble Jedi. Gone (for the most part) is the arrogant, brash youth of Attack of the Clones. But his character flaw, his selfish love of Padmé, turns out to be his undoing. He quickly turns dark, because of this flaw, this fear of losing her, but of course ends up losing her because of his fears. So tragic. So heart-breaking. Such a good movie.

Oh, one more thing, I particularly liked the scene where Anakin is talking to Yoda about his dreams and the fear of losing someone he cares about, and essentially Yoda tells him he needs to practice material detachment. One more way the Jedi are like priests (it can be inferred from AOTC that they take vows of poverty, celebacy, and obedience).

Long Beach is So Exciting

abc7.com: High Speed Pursuit Ends In Gunfire

That ended less than 3 blocks from our apartment. Rie and I were wondering why the stretch of Anaheim that runs by our complex was closed.

Idiot of the Day/Week/Month

Being a die-hard Star Wars fan, this type of "fan" has been bothering me for a while. He seems to think that he's soooo smart and clever because he found an inconsitency in Star Wars, when in reality, he only found a detail that isn't expressly spelled-out in the movies because 1) it would be boring to launch into a half-hour speech in the middle of the movie to explain that droids have their memory wiped, and 2) Lucas expects you to have half a brain and figure these things out for yourself.

Claimed inconsitency #1: Obi-Wan doesn't know of the existence of Leia in Episode V, yet knows of her birth in Episode III.

Rebuttal: This is a stretch. It's based enitrely on Obi-Wan's line "that boy is our only hope" as Luke is taking off from Degobah. But never does Obi-Wan say, or even imply that Luke is Vader's only child. To say that line implies he did not know of Leia's existence would be like saying that if I say "my car is my only way to get home from work" means I don't know of the existence of any other cars. It's just ridiculous. Of course Obi-Wan knew about Leia. He just also believed that she wasn't likely to overthrow Vader and the Emperor. Maybe he's sexist and thinks it's a man's job. Who knows.

Claimed inconsitency #2: C-3PO does not recognize Vader as his maker in Episode V, or Luke as his maker's son.
Claimed inconsitency #3: C-3PO does not seem to remember Obi-Wan Kenobi in Episode IV.

Rebuttal: If you go to the Expanded Universe, memory-wipes are a frequent procedure in droids. There's no reason one couldn't have been performed between Episodes III and IV, and in fact it seems quite likely. Anyone who's dealt with computers knows the importance of a reformat and re-install every so often to combat "OS rot".

But EU and memory wipes aside, can you point to a specific line or moment in Episodes IV-VI where it is stated or implied that C-3PO doesn't recognize Vader? Even still, I haven't seen Episode III yet, so I don't know for a fact that C-3PO even knows Vader is Anakin. Concerning C-3PO not recognizing Luke as his maker's son, I presume this is in reference to the fact they're both named "Skywalker". But if you buy your house from someone named Smith, then years later, you sell your house to another person named Smith, is your assumption "Oh my gosh, you must be his son!" And they do re-use last names in Star Wars. So far in the movies, there have been at least 3 unrelated people with the last name "Antilles".

Some of you might point out the scene in Episode IV, where Obi-Wan explains how Vader murdered Anakin and hunted down and killed the Jedi. Technically, C-3PO is present, but if you remember, he's already turned off.

Concerning C-3PO not remembering Obi-Wan Kenobi, point out to me where in Episode I or II the two of them meet.

Claimed inconsitency #4: In Episode IV, Owen and Beru Lars don't remember C-3PO, despite the fact that they owned him in Episode II.

Rebuttal: This one is really lame. Okay, suppose Honda has a good year and sells approximately 6 trillion Honda Civics this year, and you are one of the lucky owners of a silver one. Now, twenty years down the line, you're looking for a car and you come across a used gold Honda Civic. Is your reaction "Hey, that's my old Civic! I know that, despite the fact that they're all virtually identical and this one is a different color!" Or is it more likely "Oh yeah, I owned one of these once. Silver if I recall." That's what I thought. Remember C-3PO isn't unique. We see no fewer than two identical models in Episodes IV-VI (one right behind him on the Tantive IV at the beginning of Episode IV, and another in Cloud City in Episode V).

Claimed inconsitency #5: (This one comes from a pre-review I read of Episode III) Leia remembers Padme, but Luke doesn't, despite the fact they were seperated from her at the same time.

Rebuttal: Take two adults and ask them how much they remember from when they were 6 months old. I'd be amazed if either of them remembered anything. In this case, I think it's more likely that neither Luke nor Leia would remember Padme, rather than both of them. Just because two people were infants in the same place doesn't mean that they'll both remember the same thing when they're grown up.

You may or may not believe this...

So Disney's 50th Anniversary celebration kicked off on Thursday. Anne Marie got up at 3:30am to be the first one there.

I got there after work, sometime around 5:00pm. By that time everyone and his radio talk-show host was there. By that I mean...



Yes, my Hugh Hewitt index is now at 1. Everyone reading this can claim a Hugh index of 2.

So Long and Thanks for All the Fish

I dare you to listen to this song and not get it stuck in your head.

--BREAKING NEWS--
On the heels of some guy getting elected Pope, Al Gore, former US Vice President and Presidential candidate in the 2000 election, calls for a Papal election recount. "The secrets of the College of Cardianls needs to be revealed to the public... Exactly how many votes for John Kerry were really counted?... We feel that minorities and non-Catholics were disenfranchised."
Father Edward A. Malloy of Notre Dame responded with "We must make every attempt to reundisenfranchise non-Catholic Papal voters and minorities"

More as news develops...

Study: Diet, Exercise Provide No Long-Term Health Benefits

A new study, to be published in the Journal of the American Medical Association, has concluded that diet and exercise have no long-term contribution to health.

The study, conducted over 100 years by several different international organizations, examined the lives of more than 5380 people across the globe. The final conclusion was arrived at after noting that no matter what foods people ate or what activities, if any, they partake in, they all sooner or later end up dead.

Dr. Herman Zwellville of the American Medical Research Institute stated that, "the results were quite fascinating and unexpected. Many of us started out thinking that by eating right and keeping physically fit, that would help people stay healthy. But in the end, everybody who participated in this study died, regardless of their diet or exercise regimens."

At the 70 year mark of the study, some of the researchers believed that their suspicions had been confirmed. Stated Zwellville, "after that amount of time, the vast majority of those who were already dead were from the group that had what is generally considered to be a poor diet, and little to know exercise. We began to believe that yes, in fact we were right and a proper diet and exercise would keep one healthy. But this was quickly overturned, as within the next 30 years each and every one of the 'healthy' people died as well."

The study, which spanned several research generations and had no fewer than 6 head researchers, has serious implications for many health industries. "For years, people have been going to gyms, buying foods that are low in fat, and going on fad diets in the hopes of having some effect on their health," said Dr. Irwin Skagerberg, a health and fitness expert with Harvard Medical School. "This throws everything upside down. The idea that I can eat whatever I want and sit around all day, and in the end I will end up just as dead as the guy who runs 5 miles a day and eats nothing but bran muffins and rice cakes is simply out of this world."

Some More Stinkin' Hello's from Iraq

Paul Harold, how the heck are you and the wife? Ain't there a kid on the way? What is goin on? Thanks for writing me. Send me pics of what's you two are doing and tell Pat I said hi too! Talk to you later Sugar Lips!

Tony Braun, thanks for writing me! How's life in the Air Force? What's goin on in your life? You are an officer, right? What do you do? You haven't been deployed yet have you? Let me know what's goin on and keep conquering through love, Animal.

Jason Jones, no problem about the job reference. If you are ever thinking of moving out of freezing cold Michigan and moving down to the gulf side of Florida and drinking rum on the beach all day while you dream up algorithms... feel free to let me know and I'll mention your name again. I'm sure Tim would be more than happy to have you on the team. Will keep an eye out for the news reporters. You can see my hand on a regular basis covering CNN cameras every night. Not that we do anything... wrong... Anyhow, keep prayin for me and thanks for writing!

Annie, Mary, Chrissy, Kelli, Cari, Jay, Wade, Jim, Mrs and Mr and a million house pets
This is mainly for Annie and Mary cause the send me things, so thbt. (That is how you spell the sound of you spitting your tongue out and blowing the bronx cheer). I miss all you guys a lot. Except the pets. Okay, I miss Foxy too. But that's it, I draw the line there.
Chrissy, what was wrong with Ed? Any man that says "The owner of your company is a client of mine, so you'd better treat me right" to a waitress who makes soooo much money is a keeper! Or did you not learn that in Dating 101. It means he has facets and pizzazz or something.
Cari, I really wish I could be there for your wedding. You have to dance twice with Joe Belland now. I told him he had to dance once with you for me. I know, put you life on hold for me. That's a great idea. No marriages till I get back! Quick, call Cardinal Ratzinger, tell him I said so!
I hope you guys said Hi to Jay for me. Sorry his school sucks, but I could have told you that. That's true of all military schools. Who is Sherri? The love of his life? Dang, I must be behind the times.
Sorry about Terri. Wish I had been there to at least pray with you guys. As it was, God is probably looking at his prayer bill thinking "A call about Terri Schiavo in Iraq? Who the heaven in Iraq wanted to talk to me about Terri Schiavo?" My Dad was there with you guys in case you didn't know. Hopefully she's in heaven by now. She had more prayer support than most get, and she couldn't be in better company than with John Paul II.
How, did Kelli do on her SATs. I know she made me proud. Or we are breaking up. I'm excited for her to be going to college. I hope I'll be able to visit her there, or is she gonna be clear across the country? I can never remeber these things. Mike Kein is a dead man I tell you! Stay away from my girl! Other girl! Okay, friend! Tell him he'd better be good. Or... Or I'll tell Kelli to kick his arse.
By the way, I got the photos Annie and Mary sent me. Thanks so much! Is that Chrissy or Annie on the beach with the doll? And is that Jay on the beach with Mary and Annie? I haven't seen him in forever. I like the photo of all you girls together, now I just got to make sure I can hold onto it and it not disappear into a mob of Marines. All you girls look fantastically awesome and the guys can't make up their mind over which one they want, so I had to tell the sad truth about one of you getting married, and two of you just a little under their age group. With a slight possibilty for Mary. We do have a 19 year old mormon. This one is gonna be a little tough.
My other Mom talked to Mel Gibson! That is so cool! Mrs Carpenter rocks.
Mary got asked to prom twice. Yeah. You truly are the awesomest Carpenter. It must have been the Santa Baby that did it. Good luck on the driving. If your parents are paying any attention to you, there is a grey 89 Toyota Camry sitting at my house. Just type "hot wire Toyota Camry 89" into google and away you go! Good mouse story... I bet I would have fed them to the snake though. Jim and Wade, you guys rock. You got more guts than I do for keeping a snake. Where might you start doing drama? I'm interested to know so I can sit in the front row, eat popcorn and heckle... I mean admire your work. I'd be happy to teach you how to dance when I get back. I've got a whole slew of Strong Bad Teaches Dancing videos and we could learn them together -- you know classics like "The Leaf Blower", "The Up Down Up Down", "The Whoa, I Can't Stand On My Two Feet" and the ever impressive, ladies-can't-resist "I Don't Hygene Boogie". Well biggest fan ever, keep on keepin on and keep sending me cool stuff. Cause I earned it. Miss you Mary. Keep praying for me too.
Annie, I can't believe you have 4 other hubbys and 20 children and can't some how find a way to squeeze me in. I mean, come on you should be used to the drill by now. What's another husband and 12 kids between friends... or something. Schnoodleheimer or whatever his name is, is good. He thinks about you constantly.. Actually its getting kinda creepy. He just keeps writing Annie Carpenter with a knife into his arm. I'm starting to reconsider him as your husband. Post cards by the way are running thin over here. The only one I could find was one that had a picture of a dolphin on it and said something about the army. I'm not in the army. We don't have dolphins here. Actually you have dolphins where you are, so why would I send you a picture of what's in your back yard? You have to take me to the Strawberry Festival next summer. I had no idea you guys did pig races. That is funny. By the way, we will have to compare farmers tans when I get back. Did you say you had mass at your house? How did you manage that? I'm calling your bluff on the on the phone for 90 billion hours. By my calculations *pushing glasses back up nose* you should be still on the phone until another ice age comes through. Wow, that was a pretty full account of your entire weekend, down to the altar boy you are having five kids with. All I can say is wow.
I'm surprised you and Mary didn't burn the house down when you two were alone back in January. How was Sam's stay at your house? Tell Chrissy happy birthday from me and Ileana and I are getting her sloppy drunk when I get back. By sloppy drunk I mean, until I can't stand anymore. By me not standing anymore, I mean two beers. By two beers I mean, if Ileana lets me. And no, I have no idea how to use a comma. Congrats on only half of you getting sick while deep see fishing. My parents went to the inauguration (I couldn't spell that if you didn't already) by the way. They enjoyed it tons. I still ahevn't head the new strong bad emails cause I need to use headphones to do so. I keep forgetting to bring them to this computer though. And I LIVE Serious Sam. Serious Tom. No really I carry ridiculously large amounts of ammo on me and I say cheesy one-liners like "yeah, get some!" Send me a postcard of something interesting so I can send it back to you and say that I sent you a postcard. When you take over the world, let me know so I can come home and take my place at your side like Darth Vader or something. By the way, I won't tell your parents that you should have been doing school work instead of writing me. he he he... now I've got blackmail material. Thanks Annie, miss you and keep praying for me. Cause I said so.
Can you tell I like Carpenters? I mean they send me stuff!

Steph Puglia, Congratu-frickin-lations! (That's marine talk for I'm extremely happy for you!) Steph Puglia, an Italian princess from Texas (coolest state probably) who is definitley the hottest Business major in all of Michigan, is engaged! I'm extremely happy for you and am calling dibs on dancing with you at your wedding. Can't wait to see you again at the world's coolest BBQ at my place when I get back. Let me know how you are doing and send me pics. I want pics of the ring too. Keep praying for me and thanks so much for writing.

Ildi, I'm in Iraq in case you forgot from my last email, but when Ileana and I go back to DC we will take you up on your offer to stay with you. Let me offer to take you out to the most expensive restaraunt ever too! Like Applebees or Denny's. Sorry to hear about the admin and parent part of your jorb. I probably could have told you it'd suck. Kids are cool, grown ups bad. Good luck Scott on the Hill Police job. I hope that works well for you. Would love to come with you guys to the Virgin Islands but, alas, I am here. Ask Ileana if she wants to go 740 424 0238. She has my blessing, and all my money too. Miss you guys. Too bad we can't sit in classes and pass notes back and forth, cause now its probably your jorb to break that stuff up. If some little pale boy sitting in some math class of yours happens to be passing notes to a really hot little girl sitting next to him, let him off the hook, for me. I know how it is. Would love to get pics from you guys on what you guys are up to. Call Ileana for my mailing addy cause I sure as heck fire don't know what it is. Great hearing from you Ildi, keep prayin for me cause I need it.

And Kelsay from Ms. Croteau's class, thanks so much for the letter and the prayers. You are a good drawer... artist... whatever you call people that can draw well. You're good at it, and I think you should keep it up. Keep praying for me and my friends over here and hopefully I can see you and the whole class when I get back.