My Greatest Parking Job Ever.



Front:



Back:


I was within 6 inches of the curb and only had to back and fill 6 or 7 times.

Anti-virus Software Now Classified as Virus According to New Standard.
McAfee, Norton Subject to Criminal Prosecution.

According to a new definition of computer viruses released by the FCC, many anti-virus software applications are now considered computer viruses themselves and the companies responsible for developing them are liable to criminal prosecution.

The new standard defines a computer virus as "any software application which installs itself without the computer user's permission, or makes it difficult for the user to remove, short of extreme measures such as re-formatting (excluding operating systems), and also severly limits the functionality of the computer or other software applications already running on the computer." According to FCC officials, many commercial products, such as AOL and AIM, now qualify as viruses. But most ironically is the inclusion of McAfee VirusScan and Norton Anti-Virus on the list of viruses.

"What qualifies McAfee VirusScan as a virus is the manner in which it makes it next to impossible for the user to shut it off once it has been loaded onto a computer and also how it prevents most other applications from working properly once it has been installed," said Dr. Dean Villalpando of the FCC's computer virus investigation unit. "For instance with most programs, to exit, all you need to do is click the 'X' button, or the menu option. With VirusScan, the user must not only click the 'Disable' menu option and also close the software, but he must then press Ctrl+Alt+Del to open the task manager and shut down all processes associated with VirusScan to completely close it."

McAfee does also violate the installation without user's permission clause of the virus definition, according to Dr. Villalpando. "No matter how many times the user deletes or moves the Start Menu Program Group icons, whenever the user installs an update to the software, the icons are replaced. It's very difficult to equate 'Update my virus definitions' with 'Install icons in my Start Menu.'"

As for damaged or destroyed functionality of the computer or other applications, "the list goes on and on" says Dr. Villalpando. "From the way that the auto-update feature prevents the Windows Scheduled Tasks from running to the way the out-bound e-mail scanning prevents large e-mail attachments from being sent with Microsoft Outlook, to the way the inbound e-mail scanning prevents Outlook, Lotus, and other e-mail client programs from downloading e-mail, a computer running McAfee VirusScan has only about three quarters the functionality of any other computer."

Maurice Topete, a spokesman for McAfee said that the next version of VirusScan would add virus definition patterns for all the software that meets the new computer virus definition. "In McAfee VirusScan version 10, it will basically just scan for itself and delete itself. We expect users to notice no difference in functionality."

Ask the Annoying Jerk down the hall who yells into his phone all day.

Dear Annoying Jerk,
I am a receptionist in a law firm. There are times when I am very busy, but there are long stretches when there is nothing to do. Is it proper for me to read during the downtime? I feel awkward when my boss sees me reading. -- BORED ON THE JOB

Dear Blow Job
No, I missed your call. Yeah, I was out of the office last week. I had surgery. On my intestines. Yeah, it was pretty awful. I still feel bloated from it. Yeah, they stick this hose in you and pump your body full of air. Yeah, I felt like sh-- all week last week. No I still feel pretty f---ing bloated. Yeah, so I didn't get any of the messages you left.

He what? What's that SOB trying to do? J---- H. C-----, what's wrong with him? Hey Richard, check this out. I'm gonna conference you in on this. Hi, you still there? Yeah, I've got Richard on the line. Tell him what you just told me. Can you believe that? Can you f---ing believe that. That guy is such a sh--head. Yeah, we'll have to call him and have a nice long discussion with him. That guy is such a b------.
-----
Dear Annoying Jerk,
Is it just me, or has the world gone "tip crazy"? I find tip baskets on the counter at the local coffee house, the yogurt shop, the juice shop -- even near the cash register in the cafeteria in my office building. It seems that even though these people are paid to perform these particular services, they think they should be tipped on top of it. Where will it end? Should I expect tip canisters at the doctor's office, my car mechanic's or the post office? I can't afford to tip everyone I come in contact with. What is proper tip protocol now? -- ALL TIPPED OUT

Dear Trippy
Hello? Could you repeat that? I missed what you said. The people down the hall are slamming their doors. F---ing rude of them, if you ask me.

No, I don't drink milk. I think it's just wrong. It's really weird, drinking the milk of another animal. You know we're the only species that does that? Yeah, I just can't. It makes me sick just thinking about it. It's totally sick and wrong.
-----
Dear Annoying Jerk,
Like most people, I have a pet peeve. Mine is when people make fun of my name. I think it's really rude when somebody makes fun of anyone's name, no matter how weird it is. My name isn't particularly odd, but people still make fun of it! Sometimes I can't help but lash out at them when they do. Usually they get on my case for being rude, but I think they had it coming by insulting me. What do you think? -- Doug Mye

Dear Dumb Guy,
Hello? Hey, Doug. That's your real name? Doug? So, Doug, do you dig a lot? Do you wanna be a post hole digger? Is that your preferred profession?

So how was your labor day? Good, good. No, mine was rotten. It really sucked a--. It was the worst labor day in my life. Well, everything was wrong. Just everything was s---. Oh the traffic was only the beginning of it. Yeah, it was just f---ing awful.

What are you doing this weekend? Sounds like fun. Yeah, my friend an I are going down to a bar this weekend. Yeah, we're going to try and pick up some tail. Yeah, we'll see how that goes. Gonna ride the a-- coaster.
-----
Dear Annoying Jerk,
I seem to have the worst luck with office neighbors. Before, the office next to mine was inhabited by college-girl telemarketers and when they weren't giving their bogus sales pitch, they were talking about their sex lives. I couldn't stand them.

Well, they finally moved out, but now this annoying jerk named Jeff has moved in. He does nothing but swear on the phone all day. He'll turn on the speakerphone and yell into it, while I'm trying to work. It's really annoying. I'd close my office door (although I can still hear him; he's just not as loud), but I have other people continually coming in and out of my office all day. I think if he's going to be so rude and unprofessional as to curse and swear on the phone all day, he should at least close his door.

He also goes out for a smoke break seemingly every half hour and comes back wreaking of cigarette smoke. He tries to cover it up by emptying half a bottle of cheap cologne on himself, but that makes the stench worse. After he walks down the hallway, I try not leave my office for 10 minutes while the smell clears out. Once I was walking down the hallway and he came in the opposite direction and I nearly fell to my knees and gagged. I feel really sorry for the other people who work in the same office as him. Maybe there is a they leave the office door open!

So my question is, is it possible to kill someone by poisoning a cigarette? This is just a hypothetical question for a murder story I'm writing. -- Fed up with Jerks

Dear Joe,
Holy sh--! Did you feel that? You couldn't feel that? How could you not have? The whole building was swaying. We had an earthquake. That must have been f---ing huge. See, you can see the blinds swaying. That had to have been an 8 or 9. Man, I'm gonna get out of here before this whole f---ing building comes down like the Twin Towers.

Hey. I'm back. Yeah, I had a quick smoke, how could you tell? You mean my cheap, vile-smelling cologne didn't cover up the cigarette smoke? No? It should have, considering I dumped half the f---ing bottle on me.

Yeah, they said on the news it was like a magnitude 3 point something. Yeah, not as powerful as it felt. Only about a third the power that it felt like. Yeah, well they probably don't know sh-- on the news.

Election Coverage 2004
The debate so far

George Soros: Bush sucks!
Gephardt, Dean, Lieberman, Edwards, Sharpton, Kerry: I agree.
Bush: Kwicherbellyachin.
Kerry: Vote for me I served in Vietnam and all the vets love me!
John O'Neal: I served with John Kerry and he sucks.
Kerry: How dare you bring Vietnam into this! Stick to the issues. Bush! Make him stop.
Bush: While I think all 527s should stop, I can't do anything about it because to do so would violate McCain-Feingold.
Kerry: There's a cop-out if ever I heard one, bringing up some 'law'.
Dozens of other groups: Kerry sucks!
Kerry: This is just another thinly-veiled attempt by Bush to divert attention from his dismal record and the issues that really matter, like my Vietnam record.
Swift Boat Vets: But your Vietnam record sucks!
Kerry: There you go again! Trying to divert attention from the issues by bringing up Vietnam.

1997 John Kerry: The US can't count on France or Russia. We should pre-emptively invade Iraq without their support!
2002 Bush: Let's go to war with Iraq. It won't be easy.
2002 Kerry: OK!
2003 Bush: We need money for the troops.
Kerry: Ok. No.
2004 Kerry: Hey! This is hard! Why didn't you tell us?
Bush: I did.
Kerry: Well, why didn't you get France and Russia?
Bush: The invitation for them to join in was open.
Kerry: Well, we needed their help. This war is meaningless without international support.
Bush: What about Britain, Spain, Poland, Italy, Australia, Honduras, etc.
Kerry: They don't count because they aren't France, Germany, and Russia.
Bush: But you said we don't need them.
Kerry: No I didn't. They're our long-standing traditional allies, despite the fact that we've been at war with two of those three multiple times in the last century.
Bush: Whatever.
Kerry: Vote for me! I can bring legitimate nations to the table!
Bush: And I can't?
Kerry: Of course not. You've insulted them and they'll never trust you. You can only put together a coalition of the coerced.
Bush: Didn't you just insult several nations?
Kerry: Of course not.
Allawi: Iraq is making steady progress towards the elections in January.
Bush: They sure are.
Kerry: No they aren't. Iraq is a quagmire created by Bush and Allawi is a US stooge.
Allawi: *low growl*
Bush: Speaking of insulting world leaders....

Please Allow Me To Inflate My Intelligence At Your Expense Now That I Have Found Something You Don’t Know

Oh, you’re a programmer? CS major huh? Yeah, I could have done that. I majored in business. Yeah, I’m a big fan of Edwin Fleischman. You know, CEO of AmeriComputeCorp. I figured a CS major would’ve known who that was. He was really the inventor of streaming text over the Internet.

Oh, I can’t get into the specifics of it right now because I’m sure you know it’s such a complicated process. It involved some programming, but the real key to his success was his ability to watch market shares and to provide a turn-key solution that could interface with the scope of the project.

What programming language did he use? Well, you’re a programmer too, what would you have used? C++? Java? No, guys in my field use VB.NET. It provides a lot more power, trust me I know, I code. You haven’t used VB.NET yet? Whoa, you don’t know what you are missing. I wrote my first OS in VB.NET. It was pretty good, but I’m sure if I ported it to Javascript and ran it in the newest browser out now, Gojilla FlamingCat, it would put Microsoft out of business in a week.

Why, Gojilla FlamingCat? Well you should know the obvious advantages it has over every other major browser. Its ten-gig encryption plug-in provides more security. Also it runs on just about every OS. What do you mean that it doesn’t make any sense to say you can write an OS in JavaScript and run it in an application already running in an OS? I didn’t say that Gojilla actually had to load in an OS. It just runs in about any OS. They also have a bootable medium that you can start to run your JavaScript OS. Oh, never mind, you’ll just have to trust me on this one.

What do you think of the new peer-to-peer word processor they say is going to put Microsoft out in a month? Oh, you should know about this. Its code is currently labeled TOP SECRET but a buddy of mine got a copy and it takes HTML coding to a new level.

Hey I think that pencil is sharp enough by know, smart guy. What tha! Why did you stab me!?!?

The World Is Not Properly Aware of What Irks Me
By Hugh Jass, PHB

I admit I have a lot of pet peeves. Women, Democrats, women democrats to name a few. But you know what really bugs me most? When people don't know about the things that bug me.

I'll be talking with some stranger on the bus and I'll mention that the crying baby two seats back annoys me almost as much as Mexican drivers, and you know how much they annoy me. To which the guy responds, "No, I don't know how much they annoy you." Are you kidding me? Why are you so painfully unaware of every little thing that bugs me? So I gotta launch in to a rant about why Mexican drivers are the bain of human existence. It'll probably make me late for work too, hammering home every last detail about about the topic.

This is especially true about movies. For some reason, people don't seem to get that my opinion of movies is the gospel truth. If they disagree, they're not just wrong; they're stupid. Like when I was talking to my secratary about how the charts she printed up for the year-end meeting were rivalled only by Spielberg's A.I. she thought at first that I was giving her a compliment! Damn it, woman, you should know that not only is A.I. demonstrably one of the worst cimenatic disasters ever, but that good ol' Steven made it specifically and for no other reason than to get under my skin. I would've threatened to fire her for being so incompetently ignorant, but the higher-ups don't like it when I do that. I speak from experience on this one. That's another of my bothers: how I can't get rid of employees who disagree with me (and are therefore wrong and stupid).

Perhaps the worst violator of the always-know-what-irritates-me rule is my ex-wife. Whenever I go to pick up the kids for my one-weekend-a-month, she always gets them ice cream sundaes just before I come. That makes the little rugrats obnoxiously hyper by the time I get there. You'd think she'd know by now that it really annoys me, yet she keeps doing it. And she wonders why I left her for that 22-year-old blonde. Sheesh woman, get a clue.

Movie-a-minute Review: Hero
by Oliver Klosov, Movie Correspondant

*Spoiler Warning*

Ruthless Emperor: You killed the three greatest assassins? How?
Nameless Hero: Well, here's what happened.
Emperor: I think you lie. Here's what really happened.
Nameless: Not Quite. Here's what really happened... [hesitates].
Emperor: And...?
Nameless: Well, here's what really, really happened.
Emperor: So are you going to kill me?
Nameless: No. As cruel and evil as you are, it's more important that China be united under one evil dictator than split into several benevolent states. You hear that Taiwan?
Emperor: [Executes Nameless]
Audience: What just happened?

Sure is a good thing I lift weights
Cpl Vangoderhafersham
Earth Space Marine

Holy crap! My shotgun just ripped the head off that zombie-thing! Well, I better reload and get ready for something else. Hmmm… I’ll just reach down to my bandoleer of 97 shotgun shells. Now I only have 96. Jeez, this bandoleer sure has been getting heavy. I’ve carried this thing for the last two hours, and probably carried it at least 3 miles now. At least it wasn’t full when I started. I picked up most of the ammo as I went. Strange so much of it was just lying around. I guess I—

Oh crap! Die fowl demon scum! I better switch to my chain gun. That got him! Man I love the whir of that gun. Too bad I have to haul 500 rounds of ammo just to get 10 seconds of joy. Dang, I’m down to 264 rounds. Oh there’s some just lying on the ground next to some extra shotgun shells. Now where did I put that shotgun? Oh, here it is strapped to my back. Let me just, uh, well let me just strap the chain gun to my belt while I reload the shotgun.

Wow, a hidden area! What makes this area more hidden than any other area on this level – er I mean space installation? Well obviously that special little chime played when I walked in so it must be hidden. I’m sure someone somewhere is giving me extra points or something. A rocket launcher? Where the heck am I gonna put that? I wish I could find a hidden area with a super secret sack which I could stuff all my crap in and drag it behind me. Holy mother of all things beautiful in Cleveland! A box of 10 rocket rounds is heavier than --- well its pretty darn heavy.

It’s good thing I took that Space Marine sensitivity training or I probably would have sworn a second ago.

I think I see some badies coming. Let me just put this crap down. Now rocket launcher… gotta… get the ammo… out of the darn box… oh crap I just tore the packaging. Now they’re just rolling all over the place. Well, I’ll pick them up later after I fire the two nearest me. Wow! That’ll learn ‘em! Ain’t no power in hell apparently powerful enough to withstand a good RPG to the chest.

Now how am I gonna take all this stuff with me. It must weigh at least 400. My stupid body armor certainly weighs enough. Maybe I could ditch a couple of these first aid kits. How many wounds do I really think I can take? Besides that many shots of adrenaline would kill me if I took them all within the same 2 hour period.

Well it sure is a good thing I lift weights because I probably couldn’t even hold the chain gun if I didn’t. Well I guess I could hollow out the rib cage of that demon thing and stuff everything in it… I could drag it by the spinal cord? I dunno. Maybe I could find some rope and tie everything together and just drag it behind me? Too bad they don’t make more pockets for these pants or a bigger back pack. Oh fudge it. I’m gonna go play Boggle.

Point/Counter-point: Doom 3
Point: I Hate This Game!
By Fred Hicks, Doom 3 Player

COMPUTER ROOM, 3AM - Oh, crap did you hear that? I swear I heard something. Where was it? It sounded like it was coming from over there. Phew, there's nothing there. I could have sworn I heard something. There it is again. Did you hear it. It sounds like it's coming from... right behind me! There he is! Die you stupid zombie scum! Eat lead!!!

Oh sh--, that really freaked me out. Ok, I'm calm, I'm calm. Just have to press on. What was that? Did you see that? Up there. I could've sworn I saw something go crawling up that wall. There it is again over there! Eat lead! Oh, wait, that was just the shadow of something. Those boxes over there, I think. Those boxes and that mechanical arm, and that thing behind- oh crap! What the hell is that thing?! It's hideous! Die you SOB! Taste my shotgun! Weird, it disintegrated into ashes when it died. What the hell was that? It was hideous. It had, like, twelve eyes or something.

What's that noise? It sounds like someone talking. Is that one of the people I'm supposed to find? It's coming from this room over here filled... with... candles.... That's kinda weird. And there's some sort of symbol on the ground. It looks like a.... Oh sh--, it's a pentagram! What is that noise? It sounds like evil cacklinig! Oh, sh-- more of those things! Where'd they come from?! Die you mf-ing SOBs! Die! Die, die, die, die, die! Ok, I'm good now. Just need to reload all my guns. Ok, press on.

Something looks weird here. What's up with the atmosphere? It looks awfully thick and hazy. Ew, what's that guy covered in? It looks like... silk. Spider... silk. Of, f---, that's not haze, that's cobwebs! Oh sh--, oh sh--, oh shi--, oh shi--. Ok, stay calm. What was that? I thought I saw long spindly legs! Do you hear that, it sounds like it's coming from- all around me! Oh crap! Die, you spider scum, die! Say hello to Smith and f-ing Wesson! Go back to hell, you vile pieces of sh--!

That was seriously freaky. I hope I don't run into any more of those. Ok, where to next? Oh, wtf? What happened to the lights? Where are the lights? I can't see a thing. It's pitch black! Ok, stay calm. I have a flashlight. Oh, what the hell? Where's my gun? I can't have a gun and flashlight at the same time?! Oh, f---! Ok, I can deal. Keep moving.

OMG! What's with the f-ing evil cackling? Aaaa!! WTF are these things? They have two heads! Gotta use the shotgun! Ok, I've got my shotgun, just try to come near me. Crap, I can't see anything without the flashlight. What the-? I think I hear one. Die scum! Oh, crap, nothing there. Okay, where are you, you mf-er. Back to the flashlight- Oh, crap! There he is! Shotgun, shotgun, shotgun, where's my friggin' shotgun! Die you piece of sh--! Die! Die! Die!

Ah, sh--. I just crapped my pants. Third time tonight. This game sucks.

Counter-point: I Love This Brain- er- Game.
by Gurk, Zombie-Demon

UNION AEROSPACE CORPORATION, MARS RESEARCH FACILITY, 2145 - Grrrrruuuuughghghgh. Graaaarrrrggh! Grraaaaagh! Brains. Brains! Need human brains! Urrrg.

What you bid me, master? Who I should eat? Mrruuuugh! Human! Human brains! Delicious human brains! Come here, delcious human brains! *Rip, claw, shred, tear, eat eat*

Brrruuuuuugh. Brains good. Find more. Find more brains. Need more human flesh. Guuuurgh. Human! Come here human! Dark master wants you! I wants your brains. Your brains! Your delicious brains. *Rip, chew, claw, shred, eat, eat, eat*

Hhhgguuughgh. Must feed on flesh! Wait, Grok has flesh. Will eat Grok! Come Grok! Your flesh tasty! Grrraaargh! *Claw, claw, rip, tear, shred, chew, chew chew*

I Have Come To Soil Thine Toiletries

by Tom Adams

MARATHON GAS STATION (I80) - Weary am I and long have I traveled to thee, Tradesman of all things that smolder betwixt thine lips and Keeper of the Rasp towixt mine quest hath journeyed me. “Whence, now, bear ye thy hand in thine pants” say ye. As dost thine bobbish body lie betwixt the skies and those that dwell therein and the depths of the oceans and those that dwell therein, so upon my honor dost say I unto thee, I have come to soil thine toiletries.

Look not upon me now with brow turned down, O doughty costermonger. ‘Tis no loss unto thee that the passing of ducats for petrol take place not upon my arrival. ‘Tis plain that for mine quest mote I not have chanced upon thy fair petrol shoppe. Wouldst thee have reason to think me caddish then? Nay, deliver unto me the rasp for which I seek.

Alas I hath nothing to exchange for thy wittles. Harden not thy heart as mine bladder may burst asunder this very minute. Wilt thou not stand high and deliver unto me the rasp for which I seek? Let me go hither to the place of expulsion, for I fain will tell thee I bear not the boon thou askest me but paine beneath mine pants. Upon mine very soul, what hath thee better to do? What law dost deign thee not deliver thine rasp except to the procurer of petrol? I say unto thee that this law be not God’s Law, nor can I make it mine own. Hath I possessed the ducats to sip upon the milk of thine kine or sup upon thine wittles I would surely surrender them to thee. Speak now and pray show unto me that thine might of mind mote such answer bring as mine bladder dost seek.

Zounds! Wilt thou then gaze without caring upon me in mine unceasing paine? Alas, I doth peed upon mine pants. Fie! Fie upon thee and thy petrol shoppe! Ne’er againe shalt I journey to thy fluey gaole.