AND NOW!
Testing... Testing... 1, 2, 3. Is this thing working? Oh, Okay. Hello all from the Euphrates river. Can't tell you where on it or anything cause supposedly I'm a top secret item. Its probably cause I'm so darned dangerous. I just thought its neat that I'm next to the "fertal crescent" and it looks anything but fertal. In fact its more likely that life might spring forth from me than it will from the ground here. Why this has been the most fought over plot of land in the world only adds awe to the depths of man's ignorance.

In case you are curious what I do here, I kill people and break things. Its my job. To be more specific, I've been designated the "Broken Arrow" Marine who in the event that our lone outpost on the edge of the galaxy is overrun will detonate the large 500lbs. nuclear device strapped to my back. That'll learn 'em.

I'm trying to take pictures of historical sites for you to see. Before I blow them up. Mother, remember how you were uneasy with me and matches? I just carried 20lbs of C4 explosives yesterday. How does that make you feel?

Camp is fun. We play games. The counselors are sometimes mean to me though. If it stops raining they say we'll fly kites.

My back is sore, my feet are sore and I'm gettin about 4 hours of sleep at the current rate. But beyond that, I'm actually pretty good. And Don Rumsfeld has fit us out with plenty of armor. Seriously. I need to get some sleep so I can be wide awake on post soon (3 hrs) so I'll leave you with the following

Anywho, if anyone wants to send me cool stuff here are some thoughts

1) Coordinate with other people you think might send me sumthin soz I don't end up with 10 tons of babywipes and nuthin else. Please?

2) Things I need are
-white socks (longer than ankle length but not up to the knees either) -sun tan lotion 48+ SPF
-a disposable camera every so often
-an envelope large enough to ship the camera back in
-scrap metal to up armor our humvees (just kidding)
-lysol spray
-deoderant gel stick
-AA and AAA batteries (AA more so)
-bug spray and raid (for flying bugs)
-1 roll of duct tape a months maybe
-qtips
-chap stick
-baby wipes
-toothpaste, actually those things that you can put on your finger to brush your teeth with and then dispose of (little blue things?) would be better

3) Items I want and 1-time items
-A drawing sketch pad book thingy. Something I can draw in. And some pencils (no not the artsy fartsy type. Just a couple number 2s)
-ANything Rush Limbaugh. I already have "The way things ought to be". SO please send me any other books, etc.
-1 hot pot (you know the kind that plugs into the wall and heats up your ramen noodles)
-ramen noodles (bet you didn't see that comin)
-PICTURES! Pictures of anything you are doing as long as you are not in the middle east! I don't care if its a picture of dad reading the paper on the john! ANYTHING!
-Jerky (I guess pork items aren't allowed to be mailed? Try turkey,deer,jackelope jerky to be safe)
-cookies, chips, power bars
-easy mac(aroni and cheese. There. Happy, mom?). I NEED this stuff. Please
-Winchester® 30-120 x 60 mm Spotting Kit at www.sportsmansguide.com. This could actually save my life

That about wrapps it up for the mooch list. Call my lovely assistant Ileana at 740 424 0238 for a mailing address and stuff. I miss you all and I can't wait for you to buy me things. I mean I can't wait to see you all again. Love, Cpl "the human shield" Adams

Supreme Court Denies Death Penalty for Minors Aged 40 Weeks to 18 Years

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Last week, in a 5-4 decision, the United States Supreme Court decided that the death penalty was unconstitutional for children of approximately 40 weeks of age until their 18th birthday.

Citing international consensus, the majority opinion stated that the death penalty as applied to minors aged 40 weeks to 18 years violated the 8th Amendment's prohibition of "cruel and unusual" punishments. The opinion goes on to state that "the overwhelming weight of international opinion requires that the US forbid the death penalty to minors aged 40 weeks to 18 years, since we want to be exactly like other countries. We recognize that the normal method of amending the Constitution from its original meaning would be to get a 2/3rds majority of Congress, and 3/4ths of the state legislatures to approve a change, but that takes too long. Instead, we are just stating that the new meaning of the 8th Amendment prohibits the death penalty to minors aged 40 weeks to 18 years, to bring the US in line with Europe."

15 years ago, the Supreme Court upheld the death penalty for minors below 40 weeks and above 16 years. The Supreme Courts latest decision does not expressly reverse their previous opinion, but just recognizes that "the constitution, as a living, breathing document (read: means whatever the hell we want it to) has changed in the last 15 years to become more European."

In other news, Florida Circuit Court Judge George Greer has allowed the death penalty for middle-aged women with brain damage who have not been convicted by any jury.

Bill Would Hold Auto Manufacturers Accountable for Drivers' Actions

Washington, D.C. - A bill before the U.S. House of Representatives would hold the manufacturers and sellers of automobiles liable for any driving infractions committed or accidents caused by the drivers of their cars.

Supporters of the bill, like Will Henson of the Washington Police Department say that people who get into cars and see the speedometer goes to 120 mph are inclined to test it to see if the car can really go that fast.

"If you drive a car over and over again, you become desensitized to speed and you eventually come to think that it's OK to drive really fast and break traffic laws," says Henson. He argues that putting powerful engines with more than 60hp in cars only encourages people to use that power and commit crimes. "Auto manufacturers need to be held accountable for the flagrant way in which they allow people to easily break laws with their products."

Opponents of the bill argue that the whole thing is utter nonsense. Louis McMurray, of the American Automobile Manufacturers Association said "the whole idea is ridiculous. It's almost as stupid as, say, holding video game manufacturers responsible if kids commit crimes."

EA To Stop Publishing Games
Will Siphon Money Directly From Gamers' Pockets Instead.

REDWOOD CITY, CA - In the wake of their exclusive partnerships with the NFL, AFL, and ESPN, EA has announced that they will stop publishing sports games entirely, and instead will simply siphon money directly out of the pockets of potential customers.

According to the press release, all retailers that sell video games will have vacuum pumps installed at the doors. Anyone who enters the store and, therefore, may potentially buy a game from EA will have to allow store employees to siphon any money, credit cards, or spare change from their pockets or purses.

Larry Probst, EA CEO, said they came up with the idea during a brainstorming session for ideas for the next year's Madden game. "We realized, that with those infidels at Konami thoroughly crushed and unable to write any professional football games, or even publish under the 'ESPN' brand name they had previously been using, we didn't need to make a whole lot of improvements to the Madden line of football games. Simply updating the rosters with the players for the next season would be enough to get people to shell out the $50, since where else are they going to buy a football game now?" Probst continued that "eventually we realized that even updating the roster seemed like a lot of work. That's when we decided on the siphoning option."

Probst said they expect gamers not to notice any difference. "We've only been making a half-assed attempts at writing good games since acquiring licensing rights for Lord of the Rings, James Bond, Star Wars, and other major properties. You get to the point when you realize people will just send you money simply because there's a box on the shelf that has a pretty picture and some words they like on it. You tend to lose all motivation to try at that point."

EA announced that, while they would not be writing games, the potential customers would be forced to watch several hours of unskipable company logo animations while their pockets are siphoned. "We'll start with the EA logo, move to the company that might have developed the game, if we cared, then move on to the retail distributor, the logo for the employee who is siphoning your pockets, then throw in a bunch of random ones, just to take up time. Y'know, for old times sake."

When asked if there were any other genres that EA was going to stop trying to make good games in, Probst responded "we had plans to slack off in Massively Multiplayer Online games, but we realized Sony beat us to it."

Crisis in the Men's Room - Day 16
UN Deploys Peacekeepers

NEWPORT BEACH, CA - The UN has deployed peacekeeping forces to the 11th floor Men's Room at the MacArthur Court office complex in response to the rioting and civil revolt that has erupted there.

The trouble began on January 31st, when users of the Men's Room noticed that the soap dispenser on one of the sinks was empty. According to witnesses, authorities were notified, but no action was taken to remedy the situation. Within a week, the tension had escalated to outright hostility as gunfire erupted through the halls. 5 people were reported killed or seriously injured in the initial fighting, most of them from the Regus staff, the company that sub-leases the offices on the 11th floor.

The second week of the crisis was marked by sporadic gun battles and fighting in the hallways, as rebel soap fighters organized into resistance cells. On February 10th, they even staged a raid on the Women's Room to try and obtain some of their soap, but they were beaten back by a joint Regus/Irvine Company coalition. So far 82 people have been killed and hundreds more injured in the chaos and anarchy following the breakdown of Regus' rule of the floor.

The Regus company claims that the Soap Insurgents are little more than terrorists who have slaughtered innocent office workers and taken hostages and threatened to kill them if their demands for soap in the men's room aren't met. Meanwhile the "Simple Officeworkers' Army of Payback" or SOAP, as they are calling themselves, claim that they are just freedom fighters, trying to claim what is theirs by divine right: soap in the Men's Room.

It is unclear why the soap dispenser was allowed to run dry, and why the custodial staff did nothing to replace the soap. What is clear is that no one is willing to accept responsibility for the incident that has brought on the rebellion. Neat 'N' Tidy cleaning company, the custodial company hired by the Irvine Company to clean the MacArthur Court office complex, claims that they have not received sufficient funding to supply soap to the men's room from Regus and accused Regus officials of embezzling the money. Regus, by contrast claims that they have given Neat 'N' Tidy more than enough funding, but the janitor's have been smuggling the soap out to sell on the black market. With soap prices soaring to almost $50 a barrel, there has been a large increase in demand for low-cost, black market soap.

It is hoped that the UN peacekeepers will be able to quell the bloodshed temporarily while diplomats can negotiate a settlement between the warring factions and allow for a US airdrop of soap.

--Further bulletins as events warrant--

Idiot of the Day/Week/Month

Haven't had one of these in a while.
http://www.shutdownthis.com/

I'm having trouble counting the number of logical fallicies, bad arguments, or improbable generalizations in that one paragraph. I can see about 7 at first glance.

Hi from 29 Palms!
Everything here is an acronym. In fact everything is an acronym with computers too. I must be cursed. Dad and Joe Belland have to know my problem. I'll give you an example of how these darn worlds collide.

Acronym: EGA
For the USMC it means Eagle Globe and Anchor
For the computer world it means Extended Gfx Adapter 16 Color Video

Acronym: BMP
For the USMC it means some kind of enemy vehicle
For the computer world it means A Bitmap, A Picture

It gets worse too. Some times the USMC is dislexic (no, I have no idea hot to spell lisdexic). Take BAH - Basic Housing Allowance. How did they mess that up and why has no one fixed it yet? And then there are the really jacked up ones like ANPEQA2. Not a clue. But it can lead to some fun with Privates and PFC's (Private 1st Class). You can send them to admin to request an eye-dee-ten-tea form which when you spell it out is id10t. Or send them to supply for a bee-A-eleven hundred-en or a ba1100n. SSgt (Staff Sergeant) Gray has been known to take a rubber glove, blow it up, tie off the opening and hand it to the stupefied private. The worst one requires a little setup:

I'm a Cpl (Corporal) or an E4 which means I'm enlisted and at a pay grade 4. If someone said, "I need an E4" in a room of mixed service members (Army, Navy, Air force, and/or Marines in one room) I might stand and volunteer for whatever. The highest enlisted pay grade in our company is an E9, a 1st Sgt. We have a sophisticated field radio called an AN/PRC-119, which we simply say prik-119 when we are talking about it. So any way, it's fun to send a private up to admin to ask, "Do you have a prik-E9?" Poor kid has no idea what hell is about to be unleashed.

Note: Please no one send packages until I arrive at whatever firm base in Iraq. I'll let you know some time mid to late March when I get there. But everyone please do send pics. Would like to know what the heck I'm fighting for. Not to mention I am now the official Marine Corps Dating-Marriage Service. I'm on a mission to weed out the bad ones and hook up my sister-in-law up with the best, most morally and spiritually acceptable Marine. So whoever wants to date-marry a Marine, who I might add is defending your right to be single and lonely (just kidding), send pics and an address where he can write you back. Keep in mind it might take me a little while to find GOOD marines. Guys, if you want to send pics too, we have some Navy docs here whom I'm sure would love to date you.

Now for individual and group messages:
The Carpenters: Miss you guys. How's Jay doing in the academy? Hope the computer/internet hasn't crapped out (or how are you reading this?) I don't think my CO (Commanding Officer) would understand If I had to go to Florida to fix a computer. If anything broke, I swear it wasn't me. If the Yellow Dart and My Other Girlfriend want Marine dates, Please send pics with the understanding it may take months to fund a guy whose good enough to date you.

Carie: How's the wedding plans? Please don't stress Carie. I know most brides do, but just remember with the exception of you, Sam and the priest, everything else is window dressing. Don't get locked into the "must be perfect" mind set. It should be perfect, but it might not be. Nothing no matter how imperfect should be allowed to stress you or put you down on what is unavoidably going to be the happiest day, week, month, and year of your life. Wish I could be there. Please send me pics when you get back from your honeymoon.

Joe, Anne Marie, Dave, and all the Bellands: As I write this, I'm only a couple of hours away from you. 29 Palms, Ca is somewhere near the NV border. Marines here talk about wanting to go to Vegas. I don't think we'll actually get a chance to leave or have people visit at all. That is the current word. Too bad, would have loved to have seen you all. Dave, you working with Gulf Coast? How's that coming? Hope to see you when I get back. You are all welcome to the house in Florida. Oh yeah, where's my coke? And nobody here believes the accuracy you, Joe, had with an air gun . . . 100 Ft . . . moving target . . . behind cover and concealment . . . right to my neck . . . you suck. I'll try and replicate that shot when I'm in Iraq.

CTL Guys: Out here conquering. Keep me in your prayers and pray especially that I never be asked to demonstrate the greatest act of love. I'm talking with a Marine who is just now having a conversion. Keep him in your prayers and pray I can help him 'till we get a gosh-darn Catholic Priest here. Lutheran chaplains are all we got at the moment

SOL Gals: You gals are all freaking gorgeous. Miss you all. Someone let Emily (formerly Foster), Gretchen Wagner, Bethany Croteau, Suzanne Valier, and Lee know about this because this is for them as well. Emily, is Nick out of the USMC? How are you two doing? Lee, how are you and John? Gretchen, Bethany, and Suzanne, I'm praying for all five of you when I do my rosaries. I know someone wants to date a Marine. Send a picture, but it may take a while to find a Marine that looks even half as good as I do. I make these cammies look pimp'in.

Todd Hartlieb: Gosh-dang it man, how do you spell that last name? It was easier when all I had to know to spell your name was how to spell my own. How's working at Disney? I hope to make regular visits to see you when I get back. What's your contact info? I'll send you turbans or something.

Mandy Lengyel: Mess with my wife in class? It's on now blondie! (Is it still blond? I don't know, I can't keep up.) You may be taller, but somewhere out there is a ladder I'm gonna climb and knock that smile off your pretty little face. Miss ya. Hey do me a favor and say high to Dr. Kovach, Dr. Burton, and Dr. Coleman. Also, make sure Ileana's always at class and not too down while I'm away.

Steph Puglia: Thanks again for that dinner. Maybe I'll see you again either in TX or in MI. Let me know how you are doing and when you move if ever while I'm here.

Emily Litson: Hey what's up? Remember your gonna show up here in Iraq and make a docudrama: Tom Adams - A Marine In Touch With His Feelings. I can even make pointless special effects to destroy and plot messages you try to convey. You like video hardware, you would love some of our secret gear. How's Jerry? Still crying at night? How about the baby? JUST KIDDING!!! I think I'm hysterical. Don't believe me? Ask my mom.

Chuck Wheeler: How the hell are you, sir? Are you a 1st Lt yet? How's Jessica and the kid? Still in Japan or have you been to the Mid East yet? Let me know. Would like to see you again, preferably under non-official circumstances. Right now I have a lot of different hats. Fire team leader, acting Squad leader at times, armory custodian, and Blue Force Tracker operator. Good stuff.

Josh and Mary: Thanks for that dinner before I left. It was delicious. I LOVE Alfredo sauce. Take care of Ileana when I'm gone, okay?

Jessie and Georden: Be a good boy! No giving your mom any sas. Are you even reading this? Anyhow, take care Jessie. Let me know how you're doing, especially after Sam's bro visits.

Penny Calmbacher and Dave Gresko: How are things going? I'll bring you back a sample of the combat ready laptops. These things won't break. Bet you I could find a Franciscan student who could. HA! I crack me up. Oh yeah, you're fired!

Tim, Mike, and the Gulf Coast Gang: I'm working on a concept to integrate journal data with video on an M16 mounted on a tripod. Every NO SALE for instance would result in an instant shooting. We could start with extremities and move to vital organs for repeat offenders. Hey if you want, I could still handle tech support. Tell Marla to mail me. Oh yeah, she'll have to send a picture too. HA HA HA! . . . tearing up . . . No really, I crack me up. Look forward to seeing you guys again.

Slash, Eddie, and Angus: If you guys are reading this, you guys rock and are keeping me sane. Why are you reading this? (These guys are members of Velvet Revolver)

Don Rumsfeld: Less armor! Less! This flak is freaking heavy! I have no mobility. Don't listen to complaining National Guardsman. Besides, that is our job, killing and complaining. If we are not complaining it means we are up to something.

Cindy Crawford: Sorry, but I love my wife.

Anybody I forgot: Sorry. Please mail me though. I'll try to write back. My next letter might not be for a long time.

End Transmission
*Posted by Ileana Adams on his behalf*

:-) (c)1982 Scott Fahlman

Thought this was interesting. The emoticon has a birthdate!

Smiley Lore :-)

Cross Sums

A little while ago, I realized something was missing in my life. There was a hole in my heart that was crying out to be filled. None of the things I tried to fill it with (drugs, alcohol, sex, family, religion...) seemed to help. Then one day, I realized what I was missing: Cross Sums.

For those of you (if any exist who read this blog) who are unfamiliar with Cross Sums, they are essentially Cross Word puzzles, but filled with numbers and the clues represent the sums of the numbers that fill in the squares in the row or column. They are in Dell puzzle magazines, and were a staple of my bathroom time until I moved out of the house and went to college. In college, mom would xerox (verbing weirds language) them and send them to me, but as there were no tables in the stalls in Marian Hall, I tended not to do them. But recently, I've found myself longing for their logical intrigue, especially since I have long, boring periods of downtime at work.

Being a cheap b------, I decided I didn't actually want to pay money for a Dell puzzle magazine subscription, and Dell refused my offers to sell them my wife for a life time subscription, so I remained Cross Sum-less. Then one day, I had a thought, as if a bolt of lightning struck my brain. Yeah, they tend to hurt. "Hey, I'm a CS major," I thought. "I could just write a computer algorithm to randomly generate a Cross Sum." An intriguing idea, my split personality agreed. So thus the work began. I rolled up my sleeves and dove into Visual Basic head first, after the initial struggles of coming up with how to generate a grid symmetrical to a point and guarantee that no runs are shorter than 2 or longer than 9, then getting my head round the recursive algorithm I was using to generate the random numbers to populate the grid, I had myself a bonifide, electrifide, genuine Cross Sum. What's it called? Cross Sum! One more time! Cross Sum. (< /simpsons >)

So, with great anticipation, I jumped into the puzzle and began solving it, only to discover that Dell puzzle magazine doesn't just throw together Cross Sums. Apparently, it requires actual work. The problem I immediately encountered with my random-number Cross Sum was that it was, well, random. There was no unique solution. You could pretty much put whatever numbers you wanted into the grid and get it to work out in the end. This somehow diminished the fun and logical challenge. Disappointed, I put down the Cross Sum and was ready to give up. This made the kittens cry.

Then while discussing the problem with Dave, he suggested an idea that might help make it possible. When I randomly generated a number for the grid, I made several checks on that number to make sure it would validly fit in the grid. How about if one of the checks was a unique solution? Before it could accept a particular placement of numbers in the grid, it would have to first check that the placement was unique. This shouldn't be hard at all! All I'd have to do is check to see if there are two solutions and, if so, change the numbers somehow to get rid of one of them. Solving the Cross Sum in an algorithm shouldn't be hard at all. In fact, it would be a very similar algorithm to generating. So with a renewed sense of eagerness, I dove back into VB, and began writing the algorithm to solve the Cross Sum I'd just generated to see if there are different solutions.

That's where the real problem comes. Technically this is entirely possible to do. Basically, to find out if there's only one solution, I have to test all possible combinations of the 9 digits in each square, do various tests to weed out the invalid digits, and make sure they add up properly. Put this in another recursive function and voila, I have my solving algorithm. The problem: each square has 9 possible digits, each of which I have to test for. The default grid size is 20x20 (400 squares). So that's 9^400 possible combinations, or 4.977 x 10^381. Assuming one clock cycle per digit, (when in reality it takes several hundred), it would take a 3.0 Ghz machine about 5.261 x 10^364 years to iterate through all possible combinations. Not good.

There are ways to simplify it. I can immediately rule out some digits (a 9 can't go in a 2-digit combination that adds up to 3, for example), so I can reduce the possibilities some there. Also, I'm not really solving for 400 squares. Minus the border and the internal blocks, it's really only about 250-300 squares. Assuming an average of 4.5 possible digits for each square, this bring down the number of combinations to no more than 2.010 x 10^163, which is solvable in a mere 6.373 x 10^155 years. Doing a little better. If I lower the grid size to 10x10, and assume about 30 internal blocks, for a total of around 50 squares, I have a paltry 4.577 x 10^32, solvable in only 14.52 septillion years (14.52 x 10^24). Just the blink of an eye.

Essentially, the problem is the number of combinations is an exponential function of the grid size, so the solving algorithm runs in exponential time, based on the size of the grid (or O(n) = (9-c1)^(n-c2) where c1 represents the average number of unusable digits, c2 is the number of blocks, and n is the size of the grid, for those of you interested in Big O notation). Is there a way to simplify it? Well, no one knows. Essentially, it runs in what is referred to as "Non-deterministic Polynomial Time", and as such this algorithm is a member of the set NP (the set of all algorithms solvable in Non-deterministic Polynomial Time). It's called this because each iteration of the loop runs in Polynomial time (which is faster), so if we arbitrarily choose (non-determinism) one iteration of the loop, we can run that in Polynomial time. But the larger the grid, the more (exponentially) iterations of the loop.

By contrast, an algorithm that increases more steadily as the independant variable increases is said to run in "Polynomial time". In our case, if we had a Polynomial time algorithm, the run time would be something more like O(n) = c*n^x. As n increases, the computational time increases at a more manageable rate. The set of these desirable, fast algorithms - those that can be solved in Polynomial time - is referred to as P. So in essence, to get a suitably quick Cross Sum generator with guaranteed unique solutions, I have to solve the problem of P=NP, one of the great unsolved problems in mathematics: is the set of algorithms that can be solved in Non-deterministic Polynomial time equal to the set of algorithms that can be solved in Polynomial time. Basically, can you convert an exponential-time algorithm into a faster polynomial-time algorithm? Most mathematicians believe the answer is no, but no one has ever been able to prove this definitely.

So now, the stakes for the Cross Sums generator are much higher. If I can write a quick program, not only do I fill a whole in my heart, but I also get the Nobel prize in Mathematics, millions of dollars, and a place in history as a great mathematician. Oh, and hot babes. All brilliant mathematicians had loads of hot babes.

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I'm ashamed to admit it.