Horoscopes
Brought to you by Fletcher-Jones Motorcars: 'The Stars see a new Mercedes Benz in your future'

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
True strength is found in standing firm, yet bending gently, so long as you aren't bending gently to get the soap in the prison's community shower.

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
Solitude is necessary to the human spirit, but your mother won't buy that as the reason you haven't dated in 10 years.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
A man's reputation is only as solid as his character. So be sure to take on that mission that will add +5 Dexterity and +3 Strength. That will really make your Everquest character solid.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
Each day you live is another chance to stretch your limits and expand your horizons, so be sure to take advantage of that before this coming Thursday.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
Only you can navigate the course your life will take. So why do you think that the random movement of stellar bodies trillions of miles away will have the slightest affect on your life?

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
Who you are is reflected in the world around you, which explains why trees suddenly double in width when you walk by, you fat slob.

Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
In each one of us there is a wanderer - a seeker and explorer of life. So keep that in mind next week when you "wander" into a bar "seeking" romance and end up "exploring" the inside of a dumpster.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
Tranquility can't be acquired, only experienced, but acquiring that LSD will certainly get you closer to the experience.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
Life has no borders or boundaries, or so your boss says every time they move you into a smaller cubicle.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
"Let the warm glow of the setting sun kiss life's hurts away" the psycho-hijacker will say as he aims the first inter-planetary passenger liner, on which you happen to be an unfortunate passenger, straight towards the sun

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
It's the journey that counts, but don't expect the dozen or so police cars chasing you down the crowded interstate to realize this and go easy on you.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
On the canvas of the imagination, worlds of incredible beauty are created. It's very sad just how many worlds are going to be destroyed this weekend when the aliens use there mind-control device to brainwash to entire planet into doing their evil bidding.

With very few apologies to American Greetings, Corp. and their day-to-day smarmy quote calendar

Anti-war Protestors Cause Beltway Gridlock
Courtesy CNN

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In the wake of another massive anti-war protest, massive gridlock occured on the Washington Beltway, Monday evening, when nearly one hundred cars with bumper stickers protesting the Iraq War took to the freeway.

The protest began around 5:00pm, when protestors spontaneously got on the freeway at various different points around the nation's capital. Within minutes, traffic slowed to a stand-still, obviously caused by the members of the protest. The slogans on the bumper stickers varied from "Stop the War" to "No Blood for Oil" to simply a 'W' with a slash through it. It is theorized that some of the driving protestors may or may not be related to soldiers who may or may not have been wounded in the war.

Protest organizers were not available for comment. Questions have arisen about the existence of the organizers.

Bumper Sticker Shows Bush Error of His Ways

WASHINGTON, D.C. - President George W. Bush announced today that he has reversed his stance about the war with Iraq because of a bumper sticker he saw.

"I was riding in my motorcade and this car passed me with a bumper sticker that said 'War is not the answer,'" the President said. "I just couldn't refute that profound argument. Thank you to that anonymous driver, who has shown me the error of my ways."

Bush went on to apologize to the people of Iraq for freeing them from Saddam Hussein.

The Restroom Rostrum
By John T. Crapper

Hello, fellow commode dwellers! In this issue of The Restroom Rostrum, we take a closer look at three restrooms from the fine city of Wichita Falls, Texas. I had the great pleasure of being able to visit this town during my recent trip to the 2004 Toilet Symposium.

On our way from the airport, we had stopped at a Burger King for a quick lunch, when I realized I needed to take a dump. Now, normally I cringe at the idea of having to use a fast food restaurant's bathroom. The quality of the upkeep is usually less than desirable. The phrase "hit and miss" refers both to the likelihood that they'll have soap and the previous users' accuracy. But I was desperate to drop my load and johns make better toilets then John's pants, as I like to say. I was pleasantly surprised to find this restroom in a state of good upkeep and cleanliness. The restroom was a one-user room, with no interior stall. The floor had obviously been recently mopped and was free from any stickiness. There was very little dirt or crud, as can frequently be found on even the cleanest tile floors. The dispenser had toilet paper-aplenty, so much so that even Marlon Brando could have wiped to his heart's content and left a still nearly full dispenser. The sink had both hot and cold water available from the same handle for easy temperature adjustment. Hot water flowed immediately, with no warm-up time, but this could be because some one had used the bathroom shortly before I did. The restroom was supplied with both a hand blow dryer and paper towels, so it's guarenteed to meet the preferences of everyone. I usually prefer a combo of the two, using a paper towl to catch the drips and get my hands mostly dry, then the warm refreshing dryer to finish them off. I was a bit disappointed upon closer inspection of the dryer. It was a '93 GE model, which are notorious for blowing to slowly and taking ages to warm up. This one was no different. All in all, the restroom was quite nice, and much more than I expected. Only the flickering flourescent light and the lack of a urinal detracted from one of the better fast food restaurant restrooms I've used. I give this one a 3-ply tissue (out of 4).

Work in progress

A moment of silence for the dearly departed

From a LucasArts press release.
LucasArts has decided to stop production on Sam & Max
"After careful evaluation of current market place realities and underlying economic considerations, we've decided that this was not the appropriate time to launch a graphic adventure on the PC" says Mike Nelson, Acting General Manager and VP of Finance and Operations. There is currently no plan to reduce staff.

I agree with these people.

Scientists Discover Lines Actually Same Length
20-year government-funded study discovers shocking truth about arrows


GAITHERSBURG, MD - Scientists from the National Institute of Standards and Technology's Physics Laboratory have released the 3000-page findings of a 20-year, $42 million study that shows that the two lines pictured above are actually the same length.

The lines were measured with the most advanced equipment and it was found that the lengths were the same, down to the nanometer. For comparison, a human hair is between 50,000 and 70,000 nanometers. "We were shocked," said Dr. Vickie Braxton of the NIST. "After our initial measurements, we knew they were close to the same length, but we had no idea how close."

Dr. Braxton admitted that before the Institute began its study, there was widespread debate about the lengths. "Some scientists argued that the line on the right is longer, because it looks longer. Others claimed that it was an optical illusion to hide the fact the one on the left is longer. Still others claimed that the artist intended to draw each line as the same length, but due to imperfections in the technique and medium, there would be a variance of a few microns. I don't think anyone expected the results we got."

The implications of this are staggering, according to the NIST report. "The idea that two lines could be accurately rendered to be so close in length flies in the face of 200 years of line-measurement." The report concludes with a petition to congress for an additional $50 million to develop a more accurate line-measuring tool that can determine the lines length down to another order of magnitude, to see if any discrepancy in length can be found.

Weapon of Mass Destruction found in IROC

And another Janet Jackson post

Families Cover Childrens' Eyes During Half-Time Show
Move by Timberlake only impure blight in an otherwise family-friendly 3 hours

Catherine Moorer, mother of four and spokeswoman for Families Against Pornography berated Janet Jackson, Justin Timberlake, and MTV in a statement earlier today, calling the now-infamous costume-rip a "black mark on an otherwise clean 3 hours."

Moorer went on to say "My family was having a fun time watching the festivities and I had just asked my 8-year-old daughter if she wanted to learn to dance like the S&M side dancers when, out of the blue, they pull this stunt. I was outraged!" Moorer went on to praise the rest of the Super-Bowl programming as "good old fashioned family fun." "We laughed at the flatulent horse, blushed at the swearing children, and wrote down the name of the erectie dysfunction medication (for my husband). Next Halloween, my 6-year-old son wants to go as rapper 'Nelly' and glue his hand to his crotch. Imagine my 11-year-old daughter's disappointment when I told her she couldn't go trick-or-treating in Janet Jackson's black leather Gladiator outfit because of this stunt."

What a Surprise, MTV Does Something Shocking
Nation rolls eyes in amazement that Janet Jackson might do something indecent

The nation was "quite" shocked during the Super-Bowl halftime show when Justin Timberlake tore off part of Janet Jackson's costume, exposing her breast. Timberlake later issued a statement "apologizing" for the incident, calling it a "um... wardrobe malfunction. Yeah, that's it."

Lakisha Stanko, spokeswench for Decency In The Media (Like That's Going To Happen) read a statement denouncing Jackson and Timberlake for this "immoral and entirely predictable" half-time show. Said Stanko, "This is just another in a long line of outrages that have come from MTV, like we didn't see them coming." Stanko admitted that the statement had been prepared by DITM(LTGTH) 2 months ago, when they first heard that MTV was producing the half-time show.

Before I Kill You, Allow Me To Give You a Tour of My Secret Base and Explain My Entire Evil Plot in Detail.
By Xagnor, Arch-Villain

Oh, bravo, excellent attempt at capturing me, my old friend. But as you can see I was prepared. You walked right into my trap, and now you are caught in a cage that not even you can escape. Shortly, I will take you to the Death Chamber, prepared especially for you, and as you scream in agony, I shall look on, cackling at your painful demise. But before I kill you, please allow me to give you a tour of my secret base and explain my entire evil plot in detail. Please follow me.

Watch your step getting into the elevator. This place was built in a hurry and secret installations aren't cheap, so corners had to be cut. I'm sure this place wouldn't pass any safety code. Ah, here we are in my control room, where hundreds of my soul-less minions toil away at their control panels. None of the buttons do anything of course, except these three, which have fingerprint detectors installed and can only by operated by my hand. This button will hack the stock market's computer system and cause the stock for MegaCorp. to soar.

You see, it was I who caused the MegaCorp. stock scandal because I knew it would distract you by thinking I had ties to that useless company. And while you were busy infiltrating them, I used this second button to plant fake evidence of illegal activities into their computer systems, so you would have no choice but to arrest their CEO. It was a shame he tried to escape and you had to kill him. I would have liked to kill my former partner in crime myself. Yes, it was he and I who were behind the plot to steal all the wine from France and dump it into the water tower in Wyville, Wisconsin, and from their it would have spread to all the world, had you not stopped us. With everyone drunk from French wine, we were going to take over the world, in the ensuing chaos. You see you have already ruined one of my plots. I won't let it happen again. After that failed plot, my former partner blamed me for your interference and left to create MegaCorp. From then on he blocked my every attempt at world domination. But with your help, he has now been eliminated and no longer poses a threat.

This third button, you ask? Oh that's just the self-destruct button. I'm not sure why it's there, really. The contractor said it was part of some super-villain-secret-base regulation or something. Oh well, only my hand can activate it and that isn't going to happen.

So where was I? Oh yes, with my former partner gone, and you sufficiently side-tracked, I was then free to send out my fleet of flying saucers to steal the world's supply of sheep. I knew that once the flying saucers were involved, the Bureau of Extra-Terrestrial Invasions would take over the case and you would just be their puppet in their dead-end investigations. With you unable to really look into the issue you would never be able to connect the missing sheep with the raids at the Arm and Hammer baking soda factory and the Wesson Vinegar factory.

These here? Oh this is my desctructo-ray, this is my highly-explosive thermo-nuclear Krelvin device, and this is the coffee machine. Care for some? Maybe some tea? Earl Grey? Just one moment. Here you are. Enjoy.

So on with the tour. Now that I have all the sheep in the world and a lifetime supply of baking soda and vinegar, I shall create an army of exploding sheep which I shall unleash upon the world! None shall escape their wrath!

And on your right is the troop barracks, next to the armory. If you will look to your left, you will see the hangar and vehicle bay. And coming up here is one of my favorite attractions: my luxury bathroom, complete with gold plated toilet seat. Oh yes, go right on in. I know tea will do that to you.

Out so soon? You should have taken your time, because the next stop is YOUR DOOM! Muwahahahaha! And now, my friend, please step in to the Death Chamber and prepare to die a most painful death! I shall be watching from my luxury box seats. But before we seal you in, I must say, goodbye my friend, and would you care for a complementary T-shirt? It has the official "Xagnor's Secret Base" logo on the front and the catchy phrase "I was brutally killed in the Death Chamber and all I got was this stupid T-shirt". Yes, I thought it was quite funny too. Now guards! Seal him in!

Ah, yes I shall watch with utmost glee at your bloody slaughter. And now, I shall throw the switch, activating the Death Grinders!

What's that? He's used the complementary T-shirt to jam the gears of the grinder! And now he's using the staple from the tea bag to pick the lock of the chamber! He can't do that! Guards stop him! No, you fools, shoot him! He's coming this way! ARGH! You cut off my hand! With my own gold-plated Gilette Mach-3 razor. You must have stolen it from my bathroom! What are you doing with my severed hand? No don't push that button! You've activated the self-destruct mechanism! You fool! Nooooooo!