The Restroom Rostrum
By John T. Crapper

Hello, fellow commode dwellers! In this issue of The Restroom Rostrum, we take a closer look at three restrooms from the fine city of Wichita Falls, Texas. I had the great pleasure of being able to visit this town during my recent trip to the 2004 Toilet Symposium.

On our way from the airport, we had stopped at a Burger King for a quick lunch, when I realized I needed to take a dump. Now, normally I cringe at the idea of having to use a fast food restaurant's bathroom. The quality of the upkeep is usually less than desirable. The phrase "hit and miss" refers both to the likelihood that they'll have soap and the previous users' accuracy. But I was desperate to drop my load and johns make better toilets then John's pants, as I like to say. I was pleasantly surprised to find this restroom in a state of good upkeep and cleanliness. The restroom was a one-user room, with no interior stall. The floor had obviously been recently mopped and was free from any stickiness. There was very little dirt or crud, as can frequently be found on even the cleanest tile floors. The dispenser had toilet paper-aplenty, so much so that even Marlon Brando could have wiped to his heart's content and left a still nearly full dispenser. The sink had both hot and cold water available from the same handle for easy temperature adjustment. Hot water flowed immediately, with no warm-up time, but this could be because some one had used the bathroom shortly before I did. The restroom was supplied with both a hand blow dryer and paper towels, so it's guarenteed to meet the preferences of everyone. I usually prefer a combo of the two, using a paper towl to catch the drips and get my hands mostly dry, then the warm refreshing dryer to finish them off. I was a bit disappointed upon closer inspection of the dryer. It was a '93 GE model, which are notorious for blowing to slowly and taking ages to warm up. This one was no different. All in all, the restroom was quite nice, and much more than I expected. Only the flickering flourescent light and the lack of a urinal detracted from one of the better fast food restaurant restrooms I've used. I give this one a 3-ply tissue (out of 4).

Work in progress

A moment of silence for the dearly departed

From a LucasArts press release.
LucasArts has decided to stop production on Sam & Max
"After careful evaluation of current market place realities and underlying economic considerations, we've decided that this was not the appropriate time to launch a graphic adventure on the PC" says Mike Nelson, Acting General Manager and VP of Finance and Operations. There is currently no plan to reduce staff.

I agree with these people.

Scientists Discover Lines Actually Same Length
20-year government-funded study discovers shocking truth about arrows


GAITHERSBURG, MD - Scientists from the National Institute of Standards and Technology's Physics Laboratory have released the 3000-page findings of a 20-year, $42 million study that shows that the two lines pictured above are actually the same length.

The lines were measured with the most advanced equipment and it was found that the lengths were the same, down to the nanometer. For comparison, a human hair is between 50,000 and 70,000 nanometers. "We were shocked," said Dr. Vickie Braxton of the NIST. "After our initial measurements, we knew they were close to the same length, but we had no idea how close."

Dr. Braxton admitted that before the Institute began its study, there was widespread debate about the lengths. "Some scientists argued that the line on the right is longer, because it looks longer. Others claimed that it was an optical illusion to hide the fact the one on the left is longer. Still others claimed that the artist intended to draw each line as the same length, but due to imperfections in the technique and medium, there would be a variance of a few microns. I don't think anyone expected the results we got."

The implications of this are staggering, according to the NIST report. "The idea that two lines could be accurately rendered to be so close in length flies in the face of 200 years of line-measurement." The report concludes with a petition to congress for an additional $50 million to develop a more accurate line-measuring tool that can determine the lines length down to another order of magnitude, to see if any discrepancy in length can be found.

Weapon of Mass Destruction found in IROC

And another Janet Jackson post

Families Cover Childrens' Eyes During Half-Time Show
Move by Timberlake only impure blight in an otherwise family-friendly 3 hours

Catherine Moorer, mother of four and spokeswoman for Families Against Pornography berated Janet Jackson, Justin Timberlake, and MTV in a statement earlier today, calling the now-infamous costume-rip a "black mark on an otherwise clean 3 hours."

Moorer went on to say "My family was having a fun time watching the festivities and I had just asked my 8-year-old daughter if she wanted to learn to dance like the S&M side dancers when, out of the blue, they pull this stunt. I was outraged!" Moorer went on to praise the rest of the Super-Bowl programming as "good old fashioned family fun." "We laughed at the flatulent horse, blushed at the swearing children, and wrote down the name of the erectie dysfunction medication (for my husband). Next Halloween, my 6-year-old son wants to go as rapper 'Nelly' and glue his hand to his crotch. Imagine my 11-year-old daughter's disappointment when I told her she couldn't go trick-or-treating in Janet Jackson's black leather Gladiator outfit because of this stunt."

What a Surprise, MTV Does Something Shocking
Nation rolls eyes in amazement that Janet Jackson might do something indecent

The nation was "quite" shocked during the Super-Bowl halftime show when Justin Timberlake tore off part of Janet Jackson's costume, exposing her breast. Timberlake later issued a statement "apologizing" for the incident, calling it a "um... wardrobe malfunction. Yeah, that's it."

Lakisha Stanko, spokeswench for Decency In The Media (Like That's Going To Happen) read a statement denouncing Jackson and Timberlake for this "immoral and entirely predictable" half-time show. Said Stanko, "This is just another in a long line of outrages that have come from MTV, like we didn't see them coming." Stanko admitted that the statement had been prepared by DITM(LTGTH) 2 months ago, when they first heard that MTV was producing the half-time show.

Before I Kill You, Allow Me To Give You a Tour of My Secret Base and Explain My Entire Evil Plot in Detail.
By Xagnor, Arch-Villain

Oh, bravo, excellent attempt at capturing me, my old friend. But as you can see I was prepared. You walked right into my trap, and now you are caught in a cage that not even you can escape. Shortly, I will take you to the Death Chamber, prepared especially for you, and as you scream in agony, I shall look on, cackling at your painful demise. But before I kill you, please allow me to give you a tour of my secret base and explain my entire evil plot in detail. Please follow me.

Watch your step getting into the elevator. This place was built in a hurry and secret installations aren't cheap, so corners had to be cut. I'm sure this place wouldn't pass any safety code. Ah, here we are in my control room, where hundreds of my soul-less minions toil away at their control panels. None of the buttons do anything of course, except these three, which have fingerprint detectors installed and can only by operated by my hand. This button will hack the stock market's computer system and cause the stock for MegaCorp. to soar.

You see, it was I who caused the MegaCorp. stock scandal because I knew it would distract you by thinking I had ties to that useless company. And while you were busy infiltrating them, I used this second button to plant fake evidence of illegal activities into their computer systems, so you would have no choice but to arrest their CEO. It was a shame he tried to escape and you had to kill him. I would have liked to kill my former partner in crime myself. Yes, it was he and I who were behind the plot to steal all the wine from France and dump it into the water tower in Wyville, Wisconsin, and from their it would have spread to all the world, had you not stopped us. With everyone drunk from French wine, we were going to take over the world, in the ensuing chaos. You see you have already ruined one of my plots. I won't let it happen again. After that failed plot, my former partner blamed me for your interference and left to create MegaCorp. From then on he blocked my every attempt at world domination. But with your help, he has now been eliminated and no longer poses a threat.

This third button, you ask? Oh that's just the self-destruct button. I'm not sure why it's there, really. The contractor said it was part of some super-villain-secret-base regulation or something. Oh well, only my hand can activate it and that isn't going to happen.

So where was I? Oh yes, with my former partner gone, and you sufficiently side-tracked, I was then free to send out my fleet of flying saucers to steal the world's supply of sheep. I knew that once the flying saucers were involved, the Bureau of Extra-Terrestrial Invasions would take over the case and you would just be their puppet in their dead-end investigations. With you unable to really look into the issue you would never be able to connect the missing sheep with the raids at the Arm and Hammer baking soda factory and the Wesson Vinegar factory.

These here? Oh this is my desctructo-ray, this is my highly-explosive thermo-nuclear Krelvin device, and this is the coffee machine. Care for some? Maybe some tea? Earl Grey? Just one moment. Here you are. Enjoy.

So on with the tour. Now that I have all the sheep in the world and a lifetime supply of baking soda and vinegar, I shall create an army of exploding sheep which I shall unleash upon the world! None shall escape their wrath!

And on your right is the troop barracks, next to the armory. If you will look to your left, you will see the hangar and vehicle bay. And coming up here is one of my favorite attractions: my luxury bathroom, complete with gold plated toilet seat. Oh yes, go right on in. I know tea will do that to you.

Out so soon? You should have taken your time, because the next stop is YOUR DOOM! Muwahahahaha! And now, my friend, please step in to the Death Chamber and prepare to die a most painful death! I shall be watching from my luxury box seats. But before we seal you in, I must say, goodbye my friend, and would you care for a complementary T-shirt? It has the official "Xagnor's Secret Base" logo on the front and the catchy phrase "I was brutally killed in the Death Chamber and all I got was this stupid T-shirt". Yes, I thought it was quite funny too. Now guards! Seal him in!

Ah, yes I shall watch with utmost glee at your bloody slaughter. And now, I shall throw the switch, activating the Death Grinders!

What's that? He's used the complementary T-shirt to jam the gears of the grinder! And now he's using the staple from the tea bag to pick the lock of the chamber! He can't do that! Guards stop him! No, you fools, shoot him! He's coming this way! ARGH! You cut off my hand! With my own gold-plated Gilette Mach-3 razor. You must have stolen it from my bathroom! What are you doing with my severed hand? No don't push that button! You've activated the self-destruct mechanism! You fool! Nooooooo!

Return of the King "Big Disappointment"
Lower-left corner not as interesting as those of previous "Rings" movies, critics say

Aaron Hardman, Lord of the Rings fan and critic proclaimed that the lower-left corner of Return of the King "couldn't hold a candle" to the corners of the previous two movies, Fellowship of the Ring and The Two Towers. Hardman, who decided to concentrate on watching just the corners of the films after seeing Fellowship for the 37th time, says he was greatly disappointed by the lower-left corner of King, especially after all the positive reviews the movie received, but he still has high hopes for the upper-right corner, which he will watch the next time he sees the film "in about five minutes."

Ask Mary Waterson from Debt Corp.

DEAR MARY: I have a son who is 33. He has four children and lives in another state. About a year ago, he asked me to co-sign on a house loan. I refused. Now he won't speak to me. He didn't even attend his grandmother's funeral. I don't know how to bridge this gap between us except by signing the note. I really can't afford it, but I miss my son and grandchildren. -- HURTING IN OHIO

DEAR HURTING: Having trouble paying off those loans? If your debts qualify for our program, we can settle your debts with your creditors in three years or less. We negotiate with your creditors on your behalf and will settle your debts for 40 cents on the dollar. Our fee is a flat 15%. That means if you owe $50,000, you'll only have to pay $27,500!

DEAR MARY: My brother and I are entrepreneurs and recently decided to go into business together. The problem is coming up with a name for our company. We've decided to use our last names, like "Hewlitt-Packard" but can't decide whose to put first. My brother thinks that his name should be first, because most of the ideas we're going to be marketing are his. I think my name should be first since I'm providing the start-up capital and will be managing the business aspect. Please help us settle on a company name before it breaks up our company and relationship. -- LAST NAME FIRST IN AZ.

DEAR LAME: Our company is called Debt Corp. That's Debt Corp. No, not "Death Corpse", it's DEBT CORP. D-E-B-T C-O-R-P. That's quite alright.

We're not a debt consolidation company. We're a debt settlement company. Beware of those debt consolidation companies. They claim to be non-profit, but in reality, they work for the creditors and are actually being sued by the Attorney General of Missouri. We work for you. If you go into debt consolidation, it will show up on your credit report as an R7, which means your debt was paid by a third party. An R8 is "filed for bankruptcy", so this is one step beneath that. It will ruin your credit. I knew one person who went through consolidation and ten years later, they still couldn't buy a car because of that R7.

Debt settlement doesn't show up on your credit report at all. That's part of our settlement. When you finish the program, it will say on your credit report "debt paid in full". It wouldn't be any different if you won the lottery and paid it all off tomorrow.

DEAR MARY: I live with my boyfriend "Jack" and our two-year-old daughter "Jill". Jack has a high-paying job and is financially well-off, so it gives me the opportunity to stay at home with Jill instead of working. Well Jack has decided he's tired of paying for me and the baby and wants to spend more money on himself. He says I have three days to get a job that will earn enough to pay my own way because he's going to stop paying our expenses. The problem is I never graduated college and I doubt I could get a job that pays that much ever, let alone in three days. I have a little bit of money in my savings account from when I used to work, but it won't last me more than 30 days. I very much love Jack and couldn't live without him, but he tends to have these selfish streaks that make it nearly impossible to live with him. What should I do? -- HONEY WON'T GIVE MONEY IN TALLAHASEE

DEAR FUNNY: Within three days of signing up for our program, we send a "Cease and Desist" letter to all your creditors. This basically tells them that you're a Debt Corp. client and that we'll be working with them on your behalf. If your creditors call you and try to get you to pay, just tell them that you're a Debt Corp. client and to have a nice day, then hang up the phone. If they continue to harass you, get the name and badge number of whoever calls you, then call us and tell us. We'll handle it.

After 30 days of being on the program, they can't call you anymore and will stop harassing you. If they do, tell us and we'll negotiate your debt at about 10 cents on the dollar.

DEAR MARY: I want to get this on the table right now. I hate telemarketers. They call me all the time, especially during dinner or while I'm watching the climax of a TV show. I'm never interested in what they have to sell, and wouldn't buy from them even if I was. Once I got a telemarketing call on my cell-phone (which isn't free, since the call uses up my minutes). When I answered it, it was just a recording, so I hung up. My phone rang again and I let the voice-mail get it. When I listened to the message, it was that same darned recording, but it started from where it was when I hung up on it! As if they couldn't figure out I wasn't interested the first time I hung up!

At my work, the situation isn't much better. My office is next to a group of telemarketers who are calling people all day. They always use the same sales pitch, so I've heard it so much I've memorized it and am beginning to dream about it. I feel like I could work for them. I'm afraid one of these days I'm going to explode in a fit of rage and go postal on them. What can I do to stop telemarketers from calling me, or better yet, what's the best way to kill a telemarketer? -- DEATH TO TELEMARKETERS IN CA

DEAR JOE: Oh, I'm sorry. You can't talk right now? Well when would be a better time. We can schedule an appointment for a time more convenient for you. Where are you? Oh, well I'm right next door! So 5:00 is good for you? Great.

Ok, thank you. You too. Goodbye.

Return of the King will Cure Cancer, Experts Say
Poverty, Hunger, among other afflictions eradicated by new movie

WELLINGTON, NEW ZEALAND - Thousands of poor and diseased people are lining up at theaters around the world awaiting the release of Return of the King, the final chapter of Peter Jackson's "The Lord of the Rings" trilogy, based on the works of J.R.R. Tolkien, after early reports about the movie's ability to heal afflictions of almost every kind.

"This movie will be the best thing to happen to planet earth," declared Dr. Russell Leatherwood, a professor of the Royal Organization of Health And Nature, who was fortunate enough to see a special preview screening of the movie as part of his institute's study. His colleague, Kevin Hedges, responded, "are you kidding? It will be even better than that!"

After a few preview screenings of the movie during the past month, rumors started floating around that the movie could cure diseases. One story surfaced of a man who was suffering from leukemia before he saw the movie at a screening for the Director's Guild of America. When he came out, he had been cured of the disease. Another report tells of a woman who had a broken leg going in to a preview screening. Upon coming out of the theater, she tore off her cast and danced with joy. When the rumors started to spread, a number of scientific and medical institutes began formal studies of the movie.

According to Dr. Bobby Mazza of the Southern Hemisphere Institute for REmedies, the healing properties of Return of the King go beyond major afflictions and beyond those who have seen the movie. He gave the example of a man whose grandmother was in the hospital, dying of pneumonia when he went in to see the movie. "When he came out of the theater, he received a phone call that his grandmother was fine and on her way home." The man's sister did not even see the movie because she was with her grandmother in the hospital. She knew the moment the movie was over, though, because her acne miraculously cleared up.

The benefits of the movie seem to go beyond even health and disease. Dr. Peter Mendiola of the Edinburg Laboratory of Volunteer English Scientists tells of a participant of their study. "Two days before he saw the movie, his landlord gave him notice of eviction because he couldn't pay the rent. When he got home from the theater, he turned on the television and found he had just won the lottery." Dr. Joseph Cofer, also assigned to the same study, tells that "after my patient walked out of the screening, his ex-girlfriend, who had just dumped him a week previously, called to tell him she wanted to marry him."

The beneficial properties of Lord of the Rings have been known for quite some time. "After I saw Fellowship of the Ring, I lost 30 lbs. and my husband's hair grew back," says Renee Ridge, a previous study patient of the Northern Utah Medicine, Environment, and Nature, ORganization. Still, others tell of things that happened before the movies even came out. "When I finished reading the books about 20 years ago," tells another study patient, Benjamin Cambell, "I was promoted to general manager of the company I worked at. I figure after I see Return of the King, I'll own the place."

Still, some are skeptical of the amazing results of Return of the King. Dr. Douglas Elizondo, a noted scientist of the Organization for Remedies and Cures stated "this is just the placebo effect in action. These people want Return to be the greatest movie ever, so of course in their minds it is. The 'great things' that are happening to them are clearly just mental illusions."

"He must be a Harry Potter fan," replied Cambell.