F.U. News in Brief.

BUENA PARK, CA -- Knott's Berry Farm has announced the closing of their Ninja of the Caribbean attraction, citing low attendance. The ride opened three months ago to empty queues and lack of interest. A spokesperson for Knott's Berry Farm said that the need to close the ride was "disappointing, but not unexpected." Market analysts believe the lack of interest stemmed from the well-known fact that Pirates are way cooler than Ninja.

IRVINE, CA -- Blizzard Entertainment and Legendary Pictures announced that they have chosen Uwe Boll to direct the forthcoming Warcraft motion picture. The Razzie-Award nominated director, best known for directing "Alone in the Dark" and "Bloodrayne" has been praised for his ability to turn awful games into even worse movies. Spokes-humans for Blizzard and Legendary explained the move, stating that "if he could make the movie Bloodrayne even worse than the game, then he must surely be able to make a great game like Warcraft into an even greater movie." Market analysts believe the reaction from the gaming community will be "Dear God, please kill me now."

PITKIN, CO -- Trilateral Commission and Bilderberg assassins successfully eliminated former Enron CEO Kenneth Lay Wednesday before he could divulge any information about the global energy conspiracy. Lay was about to land a book deal in which he would let known the details of the conspiracy, which involved President Bush, DNC Chairman Howard Dean, British PM Tony Blair, Steve Balmer, Steve Jobs, and the Walton family, among others. A spokes-thing for the Trilateral Commission stated that the assassination was necessary to protect the goals of the Illuminati and New World Order. Conspiracy theory analysts predicted that stocks would be rigged to rise slightly on the news.