Shopping for a Delli Sandwich

If buying a sandwich were like shopping for a computer from Dell.
(Inspired by Shamus Young: "PC Hardware is 'Toast'".)

INT. "The Delli"

"Hi, how can I help you?"

"I'd like a ham sandwich on rye with swiss cheese."

"I'm sorry, we don't sell sandwiches like that."

"What, you don't sell ham sandwiches? Or on rye bread?"

"No, we have ham sandwiches and rye bread, but we don't sell them in that manner."

"You mean custom made to order?"

"No, we have custom-made sandwiches but—lemme just explain. We've determined that to serve our customers better, it's most efficient if we offer different lines of sandwiches, each tailored for a particular customer demographic's needs."

"Ok... tell me about your sandwich lines."

"Well, we have the Latitude line of sandwiches for our business user who need best-in-class sandwich reliability. Our Vostro line is popular with small business eaters who need a filling sandwich for not too much money. Our Inspiron sandwiches are great for home and home office eaters who need style and satisfaction from their lunches. And our Alienware line is best for power-eaters who want top-of-the-line sandwich performance."

"That... means nothing to me. Do any of them have ham on rye with swiss?"

"You can get that with just about any of our sandwich lines."

"Ok. Then—I don't know—I guess I need a Vostro ham sandwich? On rye with swiss?"

"Well, we have several different Vostro sandwich models to choose from."

"What's the difference between them?"

"Well, mainly bread size and the amount of meat."

"Ok, I see on your menu that you offer a Vostro V130 on two slices of rye. Can I get that?"

"Sure, but the V130 line doesn't have a cheese option. If you want cheese, you'll need to get either the Vostro 3300 or the Vostro 1014, but keep in mind the 1014 comes on three slices of rye."

"Um, I think I only want two slices. I'll go with the Vostro 3300."

"Ok, we have several different configurations of the Vostro 3300. Do you want the 'essential', 'enhanced', or 'ship fast' configuration?"

"Ship fast?"

"Yeah, we pre-build the most popular sandwiches so that we have them available and ready to go when you order."

"That sounds good. What's on it?"

"It comes with mustard, mayo, lettuce, tomato, and onions."

"Can I get it without the onions?"

"Not in the Vostro line. There's a similar Latitude sandwich—the E4310—that comes without the onions, but it's $200 more expensive."

"Um... I think I'll just pick the onions off myself then, thanks."

"Great. So you wanted the Vostro 3300 fast ship with ham on rye. American cheese OK?"

"Can I get it with swiss?"

"Not with the ship fast option. If you go with the enhanced configuration option, you can choose from five different cheeses and three different meats, but it'll take two weeks to make your sandwich."

"TWO WEEKS?!?!"

"Yeah, it's a non-standard build, so it takes our factory a little extra time. But for an extra $100, we can express ship it, and you'll get it in 7 business days."

"You know what? Forget it. I'll have an apple for lunch."

This is basically the experience I have every time I try to build a work computer with Dell, and I dare you to figure out their system. I went through it twice recently—once when configuring my new laptop and another time when configuring a new desktop for my co-worker.

See, for my home computer, I just by the parts I want, throw them into a case, and call it a day. But Dell doesn't allow you to buy computers that way. Instead, they have five different lines of eight different models of
ten different configurations of computers, and it's next to impossible to determine what's in each configuration and what options you have until you've drilled all the way to the bottom level and started configuring it.

The first thing they ask you is if you want a home, small or medium, public sector, or large enterprise computer. They then offer you several different lines, each of which is described by meaningless buzz words that tell me nothing about the computer. You pick a line and are presented with several different models. The model number seems to correspond loosely to the screen size, but are indecipherable apart from that. For instance, the Vostro line of laptops have model numbers 1015, 1014, V13, V130, 3500, 3400, 3700, and 3300 (that's the order they're listed on the website). One of the numbers in the model name corresponds to the screen size. So for instance, the 1015 and 3500 both have 15.6" screens (see? The 5 in the model number?). The V13, V130, and 3300 all have 13.3" screens. But I dare you to determine from the model number alone which is better or has options for faster components or more memory.

So you pick a model and are presented with several different configurations, each of which can be further customized. Certain models also have a "fast ship" configuration that will ship in two business days instead of ten, but woe unto you if the fast ship configuration has one option you don't want. So I pick a certain configuration and start from there, only to find out that there's no option for 64-bit Windows, despite the fact that the computer offers 4GB of RAM (essentially, wasting a quarter gigabyte since 32-bit OSes can only address 3.25GB). So I go back out and pick another Vostro laptop model, and configure it with basically the same options. It has a 64-bit OS option, but is inexplicably $200 more, despite the fact the Microsoft doesn't charge differently for 32- vs. 64-bit OSes. Same processor, memory, HD size, and peripherals. Whatever, I'm not paying for it.

For curiousity, I also compare it against a Latitude and an Inspiron. The Inspiron doesn't have one of the options I like, and the Latitude is inexplicably $300 more expensive for the same options. It's at this point that I want to rip my hair out and see the Dell executives die in a fire. All I want is a small laptop, Intel Core iX processor, 4GB of memory or greater, 500GB hard drive, with Windows 7 64-bit. But any given line-model-configuration option will only have half those options and its impossible to tell which ones will until you've selected from about four hundred different possible builds. And heaven help you should you want to price compare. "How much extra would it be for a configuration with 6GB instead of 4GB memory?"