*Mentally counts* 17... 18... 19... 20!

A-ha! Twenty posts since my last Space Pirates post. Time to bore you again!

So after a year, I figured enough time had passed and it was time to re-visit Episode I and go through the long process of editing. So far I've finished editing the first chapter, which you can read here.

My first thought when I went back to read it was I couldn't believe you people actually liked it. Some of the writing is just awful. Terrible grammar, excessive wordiness, boring descriptions in the middle of action, excessive use of the passive voice. I mean, come on, people. Where are your standards?

Anyways, here's a highlight of some of the changes.

Firstly, the prologue is gone. While I liked how it gave an overview and timeframe for the story, there was nothing in it that was essential information that wasn't conveyed better within the scope of the novel, and it served as a terrible opening hook.

One thing I've learned is that while the passive voice is something that can be used to great effect, it doesn't work in action. Action scene sentences need to be short, to the point, and exciting. Also, (this is something my instructor emphasizes) a story is more interesting if we're hearing it from a particular person's perspective. "The tree fell and crashed to the ground" is not as exciting as "Bob's heart raced when he heard the crack of the wood. He dove for cover, narrowly avoiding being crushed by the tree that fell and crashed to the ground." Keeping that in mind, here's how it was and is:

As it was	As it is
“Cannons loaded and at the ready, if you please” he barked at the gunnery officer, as he instinctively braced himself. Before he could get a response, the fluyt rocked violently as an explosion was heard through the ship.	“Cannons loaded and at the ready, if you please” he barked at the gunnery mate, while instinctively bracing himself. Before he could get a response, the fluyt rocked violently and he heard an explosion through the ship.

Another problem I have is repeating the same words over and over.

As it was

As it is

The fluyt rocked violently as an explosion was heard through the ship.... Again, a bang rocked the fluyt, but this time it was their own cannons firing a broadside at where the pirate ship had been, just moments earlier. The cluster of wrecked ships among which the pirates had been hiding was rocked by explosion as their area of effect shells detonated at the preordained distance, but it did them no good as the pirate vessel narrowly outran the explosion.

The shells detonated at the preordained distance and the cluster of wrecked ships among which the pirates had been hiding was obliterated by the explosion, but it did no good. The pirate vessel narrowly outran the blast.

In that example, "rocked" and "explosion" were both used three times in one paragraph. I trimmed out one usage of each. Not that rocking out to explosions isn't cool or anything.

A non-grammatical change that I'm making is the general feel of the writing. When I first started, it was much more Star Trek-y in feel. I later decided it should feel more 18th century than 22nd century, so I changed some of the terminology. Sensors, engines, reactor, etc. became Crow's Eyes, sails, furnace. Hence the change from "gunnery officer" (originally "security officer" in the very first draft) to "gunnery mate".

However, when I began writing it, I was still planning that they'd have faster-than-light travel. (I scrapped that partly because, as I was writing the pirate attack scene, I couldn't figure out why the fluyt wouldn't just jump to lightspeed. Or how you would even have piracy if any ship could just jump away from an attack.) As such, some of the technology in the first chapter seems more 22nd cetury than I'd like. References to auto-loading cannons, targeting computers, etc. were scrapped in favor of gunnery crews, like a wooden sailing vessel would have.

As it was

As it is

“Track them and fire, single turret only,” the captain ordered. His fluyt had four cannon turrets, two port and two starboard. Amongst the four the ship could defend itself from an attack in any direction, its strong points being in the plane of fore, aft, top and bottom, where all four turrets could aim. This pirate was carefully staying off to one side, prompting the captain to fire one turret at a time, so that the other turret that covered that firing arc might be ready should a good shot present itself. The captain counted down, waiting for the auto-loader to finish, while the targeting computer tracked the pirate vessel and computed its speed, trajectory, and looked for patterns in the evasive maneuvers to try to predict where the target would be, and aimed the turrets accordingly, taking into account the time it would take for the shell to reach the target and applying the proper deflection. The massive turrets slowly moved and, when the loading mechanism completed, another muffled bang could be heard through the hull as the cannon fired.

“Track them and fire, spaced firing sequence,” the captain ordered. He began counting down, waiting for the gunnery crews to reload. Looking back through the viewport, he saw a bright flash from the pirate vessel. He only had a moment to prepare himself before his fluyt rocked a second time.  “Where be me guns, Mr. Cobb,” the captain demanded of his gunnery mate.  “Loaded and ready,” the officer replied. The captain heard the muffled bang of the first gun, followed several seconds later by the second, as the gunnery crew fired each cannon in turn.  The pirate vessel bobbed and weaved, attempting to put some distance between themselves and their prey. Every few seconds the fluyt would send another volley at them, preventing them from flying straight enough to get off a good shot.  The captain felt his fluyt rock with each volley and, watching the bright streak of the tracers, he noted the shells getting progressively closer to their target, the gunnery crew improving their aim with each shot. The pirate's maneuvers became more erratic, as their pilot desperately tried to avoid the incoming projectiles. He watched one shell leave the barrel and, visually tracing its path, thought they might have a hit. But just before it hit the pirate vessel, their enemy ducked behind an asteroid, and the shell impacted harmlessly into the rock.

That example is also an example of another of my problems. As a friend pontied out, I tend to write like an engineer. Breaking from an exciting action sequence to describe, in detail, the armaments of the fluyt and the fire arcs each one covers does not help the pacing. Another example:

As it was

As it is

This time the captain saw more clearly what he was up against. The pirate vessels main broadside cannons looked to be smaller, only 105-millimeter, which would have some trouble penetrating the fluyt’s thick armor. But their turret appeared to be a linear induction cannon, more commonly known as a rail gun. Instead of using an explosive charge to launch the shell, it used the magnetic field created by a sudden discharge of electricity to provide velocity. This cannon had a far higher muzzle velocity, but was limited by projectile caliber. However, when used in conjunction with a larger caliber conventional gun, it could be deadly. The linear induction cannon would punch a small hole in the armor while the larger conventional cannons would make that small hole a lot bigger.

Now he was at a disadvantage; he had no guns ready to fire, and the pirate had all of his. He tightened his grip and braced himself. The pirate ship came streaking towards them, putting the asteroid to their rudder and the fluyt to their bow. They were momentarily obscured by the flash of light and cloud of smoke that emerged from the gun deck in the bow of the ship as the pirate fired with everything she had, before breaking to her starboard.   The fluyt bucked and creaked, twisting under the explosive force. Alarms started blaring, and the lights on the bridge went out, for just a moment, before the red emergency lighting came alive.

On that same note, and on that of changing the feel to be that of "the age of sail in space", ships are getting re-armed. The fluyt is now an eight-gun ship (instead of four) and Redemtrix will be either a ten- or twelve-gun corvette (not sure yet; up from six guns). Also, originally the cannons were described as 105mm (nicknamed the "one-aught-fives"), to model those in the AC-130. They are being upgraded to 155mm (after the M198 howitzer) and will be referred to as the much more age-of-sail-sounding "hundred pounders" (the M-107 shell that's fired by the M198 howitzer does, in fact, weigh about 100 lbs.).

Another change is that I'm trying to be clearer about motion and action. Someone commented of the original draft that it was unclear how people were moving in zero-gravity (also, all references to that are being changed to the more scientifically-accurate micro-gravity). Part of the reason is because it was unclear in my own mind how people were moving around. As I edit and re-write, I'm trying to form a better picture of the movement, and trying to keep in mind whether or not their is gravity in that scene, and how much.

As it was	As it is
The captain moved back to his chair and rang the engine room on the intercom. “What be the damage?” he asked the engineer.	The captain pushed off from the Crow's Eyes station and floated to a panel in the middle of the bridge. Arresting his momentum, he lifted a handset from its cradle and rang the engine room. “What be the damage?” he asked the engine mate.

A concern that came from some of my classmates is that the appearance of the charaters is not really clear. Regina is the only character who is described in detail in the narrative. All other descriptions were—literally—added as an afterthought. I'm trying to work them in a little better, and when the characters make their appearance.

Lastly, I'm reviewing all names, to be changed, possibly (save Jack and Regina). This came about when I realized that Jack and John sound very much alike. John has since been renamed the much more ethnic-sounding "Yosef" (after Joseph Mkasa, another of the Ugandan Martyrs). I'm pretty sure Elijah will be renamed "Damian" ( :) ) to make it a little less obvious who the real-life person he's based on is. Steve is keeping his name, but might be referred to as "Steven", Zack should get a name change, but I honestly can't think of anything that has quite the geeky sound as Zack. David and Gregory will be renamed, but I have no idea to what, yet.

As it was	As it is
"Well, that's one way," Elijah had commented to Jack, as they both removed their gas masks. So there Jack stood, after what had to be one of the strangest boarding operations. "You almost done there, John?" Jack had to yell, as John had moved to the aft of the cargo hold, chasing down a couple crew who didn't want to become whatever it was they thought space pirates did to them.	"Well, that's one way," Damian had commented to Jack, as they both removed their gas masks.  Jack ran a hand through his jet-black hair, flattening it. He stroked his goatee, reflecting on what had to be one of the strangest boarding operations he had ever pulled. "You almost done there, Yosef?"