Florida Woman Denied Civil Rights.
By Cari Burud, F.U. News correspondant.

In a vicious battle that emblazoned the court as “mean,” “unfair,” and “lacking in understanding,” a Florida woman’s very identity has been legally shot down. Cari Burud, a bay area professional, brought suit against her state of residence last week, claiming that the Department of Motor Vehicles would not feature a suitable photo on her driver’s license.

The great “stress, embarrassment, insult, and injury of this injustice,” she argued, posed a threat to her “mental and emotional well-being,” disrupting her “inner karma.” Ms. Burud, a horizontally challenged, one-eyed, hair-lipped, middle-aged woman, declared that all photos of herself were unacceptable, and insisted on featuring a seductive shot of actress Jennifer Lopez on her license instead. When asked why this actress in particular, Ms. Burud retorted that “this is how I see myself, inside and out.” She noted further: “It is utterly reprehensible that society today urges its members to be whatever they want to be, while simultaneously refusing to recognize who they have chosen to become.”

The court’s refusal to acknowledge her “true identity” has been marked by Burud as “an outrage tantamount to identity theft.” However, the court is considering a compromise: if Burud loses 232 pounds, acquires an eye, dyes her hair black, and suddenly becomes 15 years younger, she may place a photo of Catherine Zeta-Jones on her license. Ms. Zeta-Jones’ representatives were unavailable for comment on the subject.