So Sorry, But You Can't Graduate Until You Take A Pointless Elective.
By Wilfred Belinsky, Dean of Students, California State University of Fullerton
Dear Student,
In preperation for our commencement ceremonies next month, we have been reviewing our students' transcripts to ensure that each and every one has fulfilled CSUF's rigorous academic program and have become well-rounded, educated citizens able to use the critical thinking skills required by today's society. After all, CSUF cannot allow one student to graduate without having met its important qualifications, as this would reflect poorly on CSUF's reputation as a serious institution of higher learning.
I regret to inform you that while reviewing your academic transcript, it has come to our attention that you are short of the requirements by one class. Apparently, a class that you had taken at your previous school did not transfer towards your academic requirement here in Fullerton, despite the fact that we told you it had.
Unfortunately, this means that you will not be receiving your Bachelor's degree at the end of the Spring 2005 semester as planned. I do have good news, however. The class you are lacking is from the "pointless electives" category and you will be able to make up the difference during the summer semester. Cal State Fullerton offers a wide array of pointless and trivial electives that you can use to satisfy your requirements. I suggest picking up a course catalog for the summer semester. Inside, you will find many idiotic courses to choose from that will develop your mind and help you to become a better citizen.
One class I might suggest is our special topics health class "Alcohol Intervention". Over the course of the 4-week mini session, you will learn all about different alcoholic drinks, how to mix them, and their effects on the human body. You will also learn how to recognize the signs of alcoholism in a friend and how to treat someone who is in danger of dying from alcohol poisoning.
I see that you are a History major. Then perhaps you would enjoy HST 335: "History of Rock and Roll". This is a popular History elective, enjoyed by young and old alike. You will be taken from the earliest days of Rock and Roll all the way through the '80s hair metal to the current style of inoffensive pop/rock. Extra credit is awarded for listening to the radio outside of class.
If you're looking for something outside of your major, to broaden your horizons, might I suggest Surfing 218: "Surf Board Styles and Riding Techniques"? This is another class that is popular with our California youth culture. In the course you will be instructed about different styles of surfboards, their origins, and how they are ridden. The midterm project is to spend a day surfing at the beach.
In addition to these fine classes, you will find many other equally pointless electives, such as ENG 191: "Classic Automobiles", House and Home 412: "Underwater Basket Weaving", and Sociology 380: "Women's Studies".
I hope you will not be frustrated about your inability to graduate and instead look on this as an opporunity to further your education. You must understand that we cannot make exceptions to our graduation requirements. Imagine the loss of reputation Cal State Fullerton would receive if word got out that it was graduating students who had not completely met the requirements for time-wasting and ultimately trivial classes. Employers around the country would cease to accept CSUF's degrees, knowing that students had not taken their quota of mind-numbing and degrading courses. This is unacceptable.
I close by offering you good luck on your next semester, not that you will need it. The pointless electives require the brain power of a cockroach to pass, so you should have no trouble at all.
Sincerely,
Wilfred Belinsky
Dean of Students
California State University, Fullerton
Okay, a little bit of explanation. My cow-orker's fiancé was set to graduate from Cal State Fullerton this Spring, but a month before finals, they sprung it on him that he was two classes short (colleges always wait until the last minute to let you know). So anyways, he's taking classes this summer to make up the difference, so what's he taking? History of Rock and Roll and Alcohol Intervention. Wow. Such a good thing CSUF is keeping him around so he can take such quality courses. Heaven forbid he graduate without finishing off his education about the history of rock and roll. He might not be well-educated enough to be a productive member of society or get a good job in the workforce.
ReplyDeleteAs my other cow-orker says, a college is a business just like anyone else, so they keep you around as long as they can so they can get as much of your money as possible.
The Surfing course is a jab at some Ivy league school (don't remember which) that's offering a Surfing minor.
This also happened to some friends at FUS. They reached the end of the semester, were weeks away from graduating, and the University told them they couldn't, though friends and family had booked travel and lodging plans to attend the ceremonies. When one understandably angry student confronted her advisor, she was essentially told, "You should have checked your course history to make certain that you had all of the necessary requirements for graduation."
ReplyDeleteI understand her point, but isn't that the purpose of having an advisor?
Indeed I had this same problem at FUS. It was one of those situations where there were several 400 level classes with pre-requisites such that I could only take them my senior year. Additionally because of the small school they were only offered once every other year. I carefully checked that all of my classes would be available that semester, which indeed they were. However when the final schedule came out (the one that actually lists the days, times, and rooms of each class) I found that two classes that were required for graduation were both scheduled at 10am Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays in classrooms right next to each other.
ReplyDeleteDr. Dombrowski was my adviser at the time. I cornered him in his office during office hours and asked him how we could fix this.
His initial answer wasn't helpful (no, I will not wait and take the class when it's next offered... these classes are only offered every other year!).
I basically parked myself in his office until he agreed to approve a switch to another class. As this move needed the approval of the department head and the dean, I offered to walk with him to track both parties down and get those signatures.
By the end of the day (I think it took 2 or 3 hours to find everyone, and explain that, no, it wasn't my fault for not planning well - they had scheduled then classes on top of each other, and no, it wasn't feasible to take the class next time it was offered, etc.) I had probably used any favors I had left with the department. Actually come to think of it Dr. Coleman and the Dean were fairly understanding... the Dean's secretary was another matter though.
But I did graduate on time though.