Before I Kill You, Allow Me To Give You a Tour of My Secret Base and Explain My Entire Evil Plot in Detail.
By Xagnor, Arch-Villain

Oh, bravo, excellent attempt at capturing me, my old friend. But as you can see I was prepared. You walked right into my trap, and now you are caught in a cage that not even you can escape. Shortly, I will take you to the Death Chamber, prepared especially for you, and as you scream in agony, I shall look on, cackling at your painful demise. But before I kill you, please allow me to give you a tour of my secret base and explain my entire evil plot in detail. Please follow me.

Watch your step getting into the elevator. This place was built in a hurry and secret installations aren't cheap, so corners had to be cut. I'm sure this place wouldn't pass any safety code. Ah, here we are in my control room, where hundreds of my soul-less minions toil away at their control panels. None of the buttons do anything of course, except these three, which have fingerprint detectors installed and can only by operated by my hand. This button will hack the stock market's computer system and cause the stock for MegaCorp. to soar.

You see, it was I who caused the MegaCorp. stock scandal because I knew it would distract you by thinking I had ties to that useless company. And while you were busy infiltrating them, I used this second button to plant fake evidence of illegal activities into their computer systems, so you would have no choice but to arrest their CEO. It was a shame he tried to escape and you had to kill him. I would have liked to kill my former partner in crime myself. Yes, it was he and I who were behind the plot to steal all the wine from France and dump it into the water tower in Wyville, Wisconsin, and from their it would have spread to all the world, had you not stopped us. With everyone drunk from French wine, we were going to take over the world, in the ensuing chaos. You see you have already ruined one of my plots. I won't let it happen again. After that failed plot, my former partner blamed me for your interference and left to create MegaCorp. From then on he blocked my every attempt at world domination. But with your help, he has now been eliminated and no longer poses a threat.

This third button, you ask? Oh that's just the self-destruct button. I'm not sure why it's there, really. The contractor said it was part of some super-villain-secret-base regulation or something. Oh well, only my hand can activate it and that isn't going to happen.

So where was I? Oh yes, with my former partner gone, and you sufficiently side-tracked, I was then free to send out my fleet of flying saucers to steal the world's supply of sheep. I knew that once the flying saucers were involved, the Bureau of Extra-Terrestrial Invasions would take over the case and you would just be their puppet in their dead-end investigations. With you unable to really look into the issue you would never be able to connect the missing sheep with the raids at the Arm and Hammer baking soda factory and the Wesson Vinegar factory.

These here? Oh this is my desctructo-ray, this is my highly-explosive thermo-nuclear Krelvin device, and this is the coffee machine. Care for some? Maybe some tea? Earl Grey? Just one moment. Here you are. Enjoy.

So on with the tour. Now that I have all the sheep in the world and a lifetime supply of baking soda and vinegar, I shall create an army of exploding sheep which I shall unleash upon the world! None shall escape their wrath!

And on your right is the troop barracks, next to the armory. If you will look to your left, you will see the hangar and vehicle bay. And coming up here is one of my favorite attractions: my luxury bathroom, complete with gold plated toilet seat. Oh yes, go right on in. I know tea will do that to you.

Out so soon? You should have taken your time, because the next stop is YOUR DOOM! Muwahahahaha! And now, my friend, please step in to the Death Chamber and prepare to die a most painful death! I shall be watching from my luxury box seats. But before we seal you in, I must say, goodbye my friend, and would you care for a complementary T-shirt? It has the official "Xagnor's Secret Base" logo on the front and the catchy phrase "I was brutally killed in the Death Chamber and all I got was this stupid T-shirt". Yes, I thought it was quite funny too. Now guards! Seal him in!

Ah, yes I shall watch with utmost glee at your bloody slaughter. And now, I shall throw the switch, activating the Death Grinders!

What's that? He's used the complementary T-shirt to jam the gears of the grinder! And now he's using the staple from the tea bag to pick the lock of the chamber! He can't do that! Guards stop him! No, you fools, shoot him! He's coming this way! ARGH! You cut off my hand! With my own gold-plated Gilette Mach-3 razor. You must have stolen it from my bathroom! What are you doing with my severed hand? No don't push that button! You've activated the self-destruct mechanism! You fool! Nooooooo!