Point/Counter-Point

Point: I Love This Game!
By Fred Hicks, video game player

Hey, have I shown you this new game I got? It's called "Max Payne", and it totally rocks. This is the main character here. Basically you run around and shoot things, like a lot of other games, but this game has a few Matrix-inspired twists. Watch me take out this room full of bad guys....

See, Max has this sort of "heightened awareness" so time slows down for him when he's in the thick of the action. He can still aim normally, so he's super accurate, and he can also see the bullets wizzing by his head. Here's his coolest move: you can dive sideways while shooting. It really helps you avoid the bad guys' gun fire. Isn't that awesome?

Oh, shoot, I didn't see that guy behind me. Yeah, it shows Max in slow motion whenever he's killed. But that's no problem I can just reload my last saved game. I really don't mind dying a lot. It just gives me a chance to play these awesome fights over.

What weapons do I get? Oh, the usual bunch, pistols, shotguns, assault rifles, grenades. Oh, and this baseball bat. I got it from some gangster who was beating Max with it. That's why it's red. It's stained from Max's blood. You also have the lead pipe, which is basically like the crowbar from Half-Life. You can use it to break boxes, which sometimes have goodies in them. Oh shoot, I totally did not see him coming.

Oh, this is a cutscene. They're presented in this sort of "graphic novel" style. Yeah, this games got a lot of plot, so these breaks are pretty frequent. Sometimes I skip 'em so I can get back in the action faster.

Oh, yeah, back to the weapons. One cool thing is you can equip two pistols at the same time, sort of like the Matrix. Watch me gun down this guy with the Ingrams. Man those guns fire fast. That was almost 100 bullets right there. Yeah, I did get a little hurt in that fight. No problem, that's why we've got painkillers. It's like the health kits in other games, but you can take them with you and use them whenever you want. Pretty convenient, actually.

Oh, shoot! Did you see that helicopter? That's awesome! Aw, I'm trapped in this elevator. I wonder if I can shoot it down? Doesn't look like it. Oh, there's another elevator down there I can jump to. Oh, crap I totally blew that jump. No problem, it'll give me another chance to take down the helicopter. Lemme try my Grenade Launcher this time. Oh man! I didn't see that the window was still standing. Yeah, you don't want to set off a grenade too close to you, but that does give you chance to admire the game's awesome explosions. Anyways, I could chat about this game for hours, but I wanna get back to playing. Talking distracts me.

Counter-Point: I Hate This Game.
By Max Payne, video game character

My name is Max Payne. I had a beautiful wife, a wonderful baby girl, and a house in Jersey. It all went downhill from there. Not like I didn't see it coming, though. My name, after all, is "Max Payne", and in a video game, that's never a good thing. Junkies tripped up on a designer drug called "Valkyr" broke into my house and killed my wife and daughter. But things didn't get really bad until my every move was put into the hands of this clown at the other end of the controller.

When you're staring down the barrel of a gun, time slows down. Not like this fan-boy would be helped out by that fact. Time probably slows down for him whenever he eats another bacon cheeseburger. Probably his heart about to explode. Oh, yeah, sure genius, just make me dive sideways right into the concrete wall. Have you ever jumped head first into a wall. Well, I'll tell you: it hurts. Even in slow motion.

Hey, look out fatso, there's a guy about to- *groan*. Yes, death hurts even in slow motion, too. What? Not here again? Didn't you quicksave since here you fat oaf? Man, now I've gotta kill these same guys all over again. What is this, the fifth time I've plugged him? Maybe he'll stay dead this time. And maybe pigs will learn to fly.

Lemme introduce you to a dear friend of mine who's very close to my heart. Just a little up and to the left, actually. This is my 9mm beretta- hey! What's with the baseball bat. *Groan* my head hurts everytime I have to look at it. I can still feel the welts from when Frankie "The Bat" Niagra renacted his favorite scenes from "Captain Baseballbat-boy" on my cranium. Oh, yeah, the lead pipe. That's a useful weapon. It'll be great for taking out this guy who's coming at me with a sawed-off shotgun. On second thought, how about a little Desert Eagle action? Hello? Crap.

Ah, the cutscenes. My only escape from this freak's supreme lack of talent. Figures he'd cut it short.

Finally, the Ingrams. When you absolutely have to kill every last mobster in the room. Accept no substitute. Yeah feel free to start firing. Any day now. He's not going to kill himself. Oh, why fire now? You're on a roll. Just a half-second more and you'd be loading the saved game again. Oh, yeah great. Painkillers. I hear other video game stars actually get health kits that actually heal their wounds. Not me. I just get doped up to the point where I can't feel the bullets lodged in my spleen anymore. Maybe if I take enough of them, I'll get an addiction, too. Gordon Freeman doesn't know how lucky he is.

Hey, buddy look out. That vulcan isn't go to make me any prettier. There's an elevator down- Oh, yeah, shoot at it with a Beretta. That'll work. Maybe if you tried jumping- no, dammit, not that far. Yeah, I've always loved bungee jumping down elevator shafts without a cord. *Groan*.

Not the helicopter again. Hey, buddy, look out for the bullet-proof glass wall. No, not the grenade-. *Groan*. "Awesome explosions?" I wouldn't call being caught in a 1200 degree flame "awesome".

Oh, yeah, like you were so much better when you weren't distracted. Why can't you just do me a favor and go back to playing Super Mario Sunshine?